Debunking the Myths of "Binge Drinking"

In the course of my life, I've developed quite a reputation. Loves to sleep. Loves to drink. Repeat. The end. I want people to know that I'm much deeper than that. I'm also an advocate for those two causes. I recently read an article (surprisingly, not written by me) and sounded out just enough words to understand the basis of the story. Apparently in the United States, hold your breath.... 1 in 4 teens and young adults binge drink! What the eff!?!?! What that tells me is that 3 out of 4 teens and young adults in this country need to work harder!!!!

According to the USA Today Article, "binge drinking is defined as having four or more drinks for women, and five or more drinks for men, over a couple of hours."

I feel like Harry in Dumb and Dumber when he gives the guy double for the $500 a plate charity owl dinner, "in case (he) wants seconds." I'm drinking 10 or more a night to make up for someone's shortcomings, but I can't drink it all! (I've tried.) There is also a much larger issue here - and let Dr. Leu break down the science for you. (Just seeing "Dr." in front of my name makes me laugh. I don't even know what "Dr." stands for!) The problem here is that binge drinking occurs because we have ridiculous, arcane rules about what times bars/pubs/clubs close in the United States.

As someone who has traveled to many, many cities around the world - and subsequently "binged" my way to blackout city and woken up on strange park benches - I can tell you that raising the time when bars can close to 'whenever' will significantly reduce binge drinking. Us, Americans, only binge drink because we have such a short amount of time to get wasted, build up courage to hit on girls, strike out repeatedly, get more wasted, and then, of course, black out on park benches. Only in the United States do young folk feel the need to take shots. But can you really blame them? You go to a club at 11pm and your last call is at 1:30am!!?! That is like... I don't have a calculator, but that's like 2 hours to get your drink on. Ridiculous.

In other countries, kids get wasted at 12 years old and by the time they're 21, they've got 3 kids, 6 weeks vacation, and 2 mistresses. That, my friend, is living the dream. But the trouble is, they've got 9 years head start on us! They have no need to binge drink in other countries when bars don't close and they've got no need to take shots. Well, law enforcement and the Tea Party will tell you that unregulated drinking hours will lead to a spike in crime and recklessness. I beg to differ. When casinos were being open on Indian reservations all around, we didn't plunder all of our money away like they said we would - I only allot 85% of my money for gambling. And when they said marijuana would act as a gateway drug to harder stimulants, we didn't indulge in cocaine or heroin - we researched it first and then gradually and responsibly worked it into our daytime work schedule. And when they told us homosexuality would lead to the dissolution of our family values, they didn't realize that I already didn't have any. Booyeah!

Drinkers in other countries are classier than we are. They have no need to act like a total idiot, because alcohol is no big deal. For us, it's like Christmas every time a PBR is cracked open. We still have the checks and balances of a job (for some people) and an employer to keep us in check. Those employers will surely regulate employees who come in wearing stunner shades to hide the bags under their eyes. Society will regulate itself... and, ironically, isn't this the ideal of a free market economy? No, seriously. Is it? I don't read very often.

Unregulated drinking hours will help the economy in that we will spend more in the service industries. Considering the lack of willpower that a drink or two will have, we'll easily plop down money for that late night Asian massage in Chinatown that we've been holding back on "because of the economy." And you know that those massage parlors pay ALL their taxes!

But, I do have to say one pro of having 2 hours to drink is that we, Americans, are efficient overseas. We get straight to business. It's like clockwork. Hit on girl immediately. Maybe strike out. Hit on new girl as soon as previous girl turns her head. Go to bathroom. Hit on girl standing in line. Use bathroom. Text as many girls while using the bathroom. Maybe wash hands. Say hi to every girl you pass on the way out. It never fails. Guys in other countries take their time and they suffer for it when Americans come in and clean up. We're fast - like a G6. (I feel cooler for having worked that in.) Sometimes in bed, I'm fast like a G6. But that is probably not a good thing.

Anyhow, we have two options here: unregulate drinking hours and you will see less binge drinking and a flourishing of society, or, we peer pressure the crap out of those 3 of 4 non-bingers to start acting like a man! (or woman!) and drink harder and faster. We're Americans, we don't settle for second best of anything!!! If need be, we steal talent, like Giselle from Brazil and the lawnmower from the U.K. That's right, b*tch.

Cheers,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Share this:

1 comment :

  1. Believe me, opening hours make no difference to binge drinking you only drink longer and by the time you are drunk, you can do more ridicolous things than you would do normally.

    A reader from Europe

    ReplyDelete

 
Copyright © Silicon Valley Bachelor . Designed by OddThemes | Distributed By Gooyaabi Templates