What 7 Days of Sobriety Did To Me...

Now that I am a professional gigolo, I have much time on my hands to try many, many new things. What?!?! The economy is bad right now – business will pick up soon… There’s a lot of competition on Craigslist these days, so LAY OFF!!! My most recent experiment didn’t have anything to do with climbing in trees with a pair of binoculars outside of the Santa Clara University female locker room (after 6 months, you get tired of that sort of thing), this one was far more dangerous and risky – I attempted to not drink alcohol for 7 days. Yes, S-E-V-E-N. Exclamation point!

I feel sick just thinking about it.

After 2 months of ridiculous alcohol consumption, where I maybe took 4 days off, I figured this was the least I could do to reassure my liver that it’ll see brighter days. You must realize that this is no easy task for me. I’m the type of person who sees someone on TV drinking an alcoholic drink and I immediately pour myself one so that I can be part of the festivities. Over the last 7 days, I also came to realize that Facebook is also a curse. People LOOOOOVE to post pictures of the beer or cocktail they are about to consume. This, too, is also compelling to me. While most people probably scroll through their feed, bypassing pics of people’s booze, I, on the other hand, click on all these pictures and then enlarge the pic and stare at it on my phone. I then casually look around and then unzip my pants… and then head to my sock drawer…

The rest is a private love story that only those who answer my Craigslist ad might find out more.

Well, now I bet you’re wondering what it was like to be without alcohol for 7 days. Only about 97 hours of it was hell, the rest was actually quite odd. Heck, on Friday while people are going out pre-partying, I was at the local park running wind sprints. People actually asked me what I was training for. I ignored the question and ran off, in fear that they might see that I was about to vomit everywhere. When it comes down to it, when you’re not drunk for 5-6 hours of your awake time, you really have a lot more time and energy. I was just… bored.

As for my thoughts, I no longer had to worry about whether I went streaking the night before in my green hat or whether it was a drunken dream. I started to notice things during the week, like stop signs, and that hanging out outside of the local high schools is kind of weird. Without booze, I also found out that half of my friends are really boring and the other half are douchebags. It’s okay anyhow, since the douchey half will be seniors this year, so I’ll only see them when they ditch class and we meet up outside of 7-Eleven and I buy them cigarettes.

After awhile, you kind of just want to keep the streak going. For instance, everyday when I went to the gym, I opened the glove compartment and I saw my flask, filled with Maker’s Mark Whiskey (made from the best stuff on earth!), next to my workout gloves. The first few days, my hands would tremble as I resisted instinctively reaching for my flask. The last few days, I looked at it and laughed. I OWN YOU, flask! Which, of course, I literally do, but who cares? As I have more time to think lucid thoughts, I have been wondering whether the heat from the car will do anything to my flask. Like, you know how water bottles and basketballs get all overinflated? Yes, these are the things I think hours and hours about while sober.

So, in conclusion, the life of sobriety is a crock of sh*t. I was bored out of my mind and running wind sprints 4 days in row, for Pete’s sake! Not to mention, my high school friends sure didn’t like the new “sober” me. And popularity is what I live for, so the experiment is OVER. O-V-E-R.

I’m back!!!!


Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Find me on Craigslist. I need work. My listing is the one titled, “Soft-spoken, Un-opinionated, Gullible Simpleton – Likes Laying on Stomach and Humming to Himself.”

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1 comment :

  1. Good to have you back on track ;)

    Keep up the good work!

    ReplyDelete

 
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