Why Quality Women Aren't Out Past Midnight

Women are like a fine glass of Safeway Select Cola – best taken in early before all the good bubbles are gone. If you’ve ever been to a nice restaurant/bar/lounge around 9 to 9:30pm, you’ll know what I’m talking about. But there’s the beauty in it, most guys don’t. Most of the time, these restaurant/lounges are filled with groups of women on their “girls night” dinners or before they go out. Unlike guys, who don’t want to eat too close to a night of obliteration – lest they have to buy more drinks for themselves – girls don’t mind remembering their night and enjoying the company of their counterpart genders.

Let’s face it – only the club rats, c*ck teases, and skanks close the bars down.

All the girls you want to eventually end up with are out early and calling it a night by midnight. They’re far too hot to stay out all night being molested by drunken douchebags. So, when us guys get together for pre-drinking at 11pm and get to the bars/clubs by midnight, we may have won the battle of courage, but we’ve lost the battle of quality.

Hey, I’m guilty as charged. I like to watch every last Friday sporting event until the final minute and then re-watch every highlight on the post-game show as they break down each play and exhaust every highlight from every single angle – just in case I missed something - then get ready. After blow-drying my hair for an hour, I will commence to pre-drinking until teetering on the edge of blackout city. That way, when I get to the bar, I will only need to inhale a little bit of someone else’s vodka from their breath before becoming belligerent. I save loads of cash this way and my conversation skills are pristine.

Here is an example of my game upon entering a bar at midnight:


ME: Hey!!! What are you doing here?!?!

Woman (who is a 5, but with Beer Goggles is a 9): Uhhh, do I know you?

ME: What’d you say?

5: Have we met?

ME: Is that alcohol in that cup?

5: This is a bar.

ME: Can I have some?



Before she has a chance to answer, I start drinking out of the mixing straw while the drink is in her hand.


5: Ewww, you’re going to owe me a new drink for that.

ME: What?!!? Whoa! Slow down! I just met you and you want to meet for drinks? Let’s get to know each other first. What do you do?

5: I work at Google.

ME: WTF! I use that company! Do you know Jim Floyd?

5: No.

ME: Where did you go to school?

5: Arizona State.

ME: WTF! Do you know Ashley Sanders?

5: No.

ME: Wow, we have so much in common! Let’s blow this joint. I got a car nearby… it has automatic windows and a radio and a backseat. You’ll like it.



That’s when I’m pulled away by my friends, because the 5 has a guy friend who has an arm band bicep tattoo and will squash me. Of course, I still think I had great success and will curse my friends all night for ruining a sure thing for me. Anyhow, you get my drift.

Us guys, we pre-party like legends just to save a few bucks so that we can get the newest Scarface poster that comes out. Because nothing goes better next to a poster of a marijuana leaf than Al Pacino with a machine gun in his hand. This tells ladies that we are environmentally conscious and ambitious. So guys, do yourself a favor – pre-party’s at 8pm, bars by 9. Less douchebags, means girls are more receptive because they haven’t been fending them off all night. If we’re lucky, we’ll be the first douchebags these quality women reject each night!

If 40 is the new 30, then 9pm is the new 10pm, and no means yes, and 16 means 18… and it’s ALL good times. ALL.

Good night and good luck. I gotta pre-party right now for this Friday. Peace!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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1 comment :

  1. Really Kevin. Really? So in a nutshell, you're letting all the douche's out on a little secret... Us women have been enjoying our nights of de-doucheries. And now you've caught on to our innocent nights of gossip, caddiness and laughs... I say keep drinking at home til 12. No really. Really. Unless we want to play the GAME, now we know when to find you!

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