How To Tell When You're Cock-Blocking


Please accept my apologies for the crude language. I prefer using the word "penis" as to "cock", but when something is commonly and universally known under that moniker, the SVB must conform - at least on this one. Well, now that I've managed to stay classy and have safe-guarded myself from judgement - cock blockers commonly come in the form of large and/or unnattractive women and idiotic and/or unnattractive male friends.

Let's start with female cock-blockers. These women typically are not getting any play, thus they don't want anyone else to have any fun. They will make their presence known by crossing their arms and giving unfiltered scornful looks at said friend who is trying to meet new people. Male, (me), will try and win over large friend with offers of late night Jack in the Box and warm smiles that say, "I have taken part in Big Brothers/Big Sisters and have donated to relief efforts across the globe and I will totally still respect your friend in the morning." Sadly, these cock-blockers are probably right in not allowing their friends to go home with an Ed Hardy-wearing douchebag (not me).

Now let's move onto male cock-blockers. I despise the guys who don't know you and do this on purpose, but some guys just don't have any game. I will tell you one of the biggest cock-blocking moments of my life later in this post, thus forcing you to read on, but also so I can identify male cock-blockers for you first. Male cock-blockers try to eliminate you from the mix so that they can move in on said woman. Male cock-blockers can sometimes also just be naive. They linger too long when it's obvious the ratio has suddenly turned to 2 guys/1 girl, or they say something that will totally ruin your game. I once had a coworker who said to a girl I was talking to, "hey, did you tell her you live with your Mom yet?" Granted, he did this on purpose and it was funny, and I had in fact been living back at home for a short time, but you get the point.

So here are some tips on avoiding being that cock-blocker:

1. GET A LIFE!

2. Don't hate the guy - hate your lack of game.

3. If for some reason a girl goes home with your buddy and you are crashing at your buddy's house or in the same hotel room, at some point, leave the room! Say something like: "I gotta take this call. I'll be back in 2 hours." Or, "I gotta go work on my doctoral thesis, and I do this best, drunk and at 3am. I shall now retire to my room for the night and put in my ear plugs. Feel free to talk 'loudly'."

4. If you know you're not going to get any and a buddy has a very good shot - say things that will help him out. "My friend would never tell you this, but he cried during The Notebook." (Actually, that may or may not help.) Or, "My friend is humble, but you should know that he has many leather-bound books, and his place smells of rich mahogany."

5. If someone has trumped you, who cares? Respect the game. There are plenty of women in the sea! Well, not in Man Jose, but that is another story that my psychiatrist hears often.

On that last point, I will now tell you my top cock-blocking story ever. This happened one New Year's Eve and nearly ruined my night. I had met these 3 beautiful gals, who one of them was most definitely going to start a beautiful relationship with me. We met this other couple and the couple had an Australian guy with them who could not compare to my powerful physique and striking features. The guy is interested in the gal I had just met. I am not the least bit threatened. We all party it up and then decide to hop to another bar nearby. I question whether we can get in considering it's 11:15pm and the line is alway ridiculously long there. The women give me this look of, "have you seen the way we look?" And I quickly shut up. As we get to the bar, the line is ridiculous and sure enough, the women do their talking to the bouncer and gets our group in. Like any gentleman, I always let everyone go before me and everyone begins to file inside one at a time. The Australian is the next to last guy to go in and the bouncer asks him: "where does this group end?"

Australian: "It ends with me."

Me: "No, I'm with this group."

Australian: "No he's not."

And then he walks into the club. The bouncer re-locks the velvet rope. I am completely shell-shocked and then immediately furious. The bouncer tells me I have to get in the line that stretches around the block. I begin to try and think out of my fury, and decide to offer the bouncer $40 so that I can go in and sock this Australian in his face. The bouncer does not accept my bribe. I consider upping the offer to $60, but I think how silly that is to pay, just to immediately get dragged back out by the bouncers - on New Year's Eve, nonetheless. Finally, I decide not to let the biggest cock-blocker I have ever met ruin my night. I go to another bar and end up kissing an ugly gal on New Year's. This story still bothers me. I hope to one day see this guy on the streets.

Anyhow, don't cock-block, live your life, be happy drunks, and you'll live a lot longer! Well... at least until you're 31.

Sincerely,
Kevin
The SVB

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3 comments :

  1. That was without a doubt the best cock-blocking story I've ever heard. You have raised the bar once again. If we ever run into that Aussie bastard together I will gladly help you stomp a mud-whole in his ass...and then shake his hand for haviing some excellent game!

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  2. ouch!
    what a f*ing bastard-o.
    maybe he didn't get any....
    guess he didn't want to play fair. you know "may the best man win"

    although, i do hate to point out that neither girl came back looking for you...most girls keep track of the ones they like. fyi.

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  3. @Bill - I will see you in Austin in March, and we will cock-block the heck out of everyone!

    @anonymous - I hate you

    ReplyDelete

 
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