The iPhone App from Hell

After much clamoring and unprecedented demand, I’m pleased to announce the release of the Silicon Valley Bachelor iPhone App. This app will allow you to keep track of my blog and all my latest Twitter posts – that way, no matter what’s going on in your life – from unemployment, spousal abuse, famine – you’ll always be able to see what’s going on with me. Like if I’m going #2, you’re going to want to know that, because I’ll Tweet every detail.

Examples:

- Going potty. This feels good. (2:12pm)

- This started off awesome, but now I wish it would end. (2:37pm)

- I was hoping for a clean cut-off, but doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. Where are the wet naps in this mofo!?! (2:54pm)

See how exhilarating my Tweets are? Who doesn’t want to follow my every move?!?!


The app was created by these ex-Google folks, who now run a company called MotherApp. It seems most of them were with Google in 2000, so you know they’re filthy rich. This means that this new company is either really good because these guys are so smart and have no need for money, or they’re just really bored. Anyhow, they reached out to me to create this app for my blog and here I am promoting it. Genius! My 7 readers will be thrilled! They told me they were going to name it, "The Alan Parsons Project".


Right now it’s just for iPhone, but it would’ve been nice to have it for non-iPhones last week while I was in Vegas, that way I could’ve tracked my own whereabouts from 11pm to 2am. There has to be an alibi out there somewhere... Let me know how the app works, because iPhone is for losers. Nokia 5190 for life!

Sincerely,
The SVB

P.S. The App is free, why not give it a whirl? At least leave an awesome review on the iTunes store about how you can't live without the SVB - download it here.

7 Things a Bachelor Can Learn from Twilight: New Moon

Yeah I went and watched Twilight: New Moon, so what? Not for the lady meeting prospects, heck, not everything revolves around meeting women - this experience was more about learning about how to get in their pants. So with good intentions, I eagerly set to work on taking notes during seven straight previews of upcoming romantic movies, all of which had to do with a complex guy, who would break down from his tough exterior at some point and then there would be a kissing scene somewhere on the beach in the rain. What I got from this was that I should make sure to take a woman to the beach when it's raining.

As the movie got started, I settled down for the long haul and unbuttoned my pants. What?!?! I just ate. Here are the tips for you to score a woman - the Twilight way!

Tip #1 - You should start doing lots of pushups now, because when your reckless love interest splits her head open because she prefers to go from boring to death in .5 seconds, you'll need to casually take off your only shirt and give it to her to wipe her blood. In everyday situations, just wait for her to get teary-eyed or a runny nose and no matter the environment, pull off your shirt to reveal your buff chest and you'll show you're chivalrous at the same time.

Tip #2 - Read Romeo and Juliet and memorize just one passage of it. When bringing a girl over, pop the movie in (preferably the Leo DiCaprio version) and pause it right before the passage. Say you have to go to the bathroom and when you come back, she'll be like: "oh, you paused it at the best part." That's when you look at the paused scene, (as if you didn't remember it), look away and recite the coming verse in a perfect monotone. Then stoically hide anguish behind your pale skin and mysterious eyes.

Tip #3 - Always threaten your love interest with the possibility of death, because the intrigue of not knowing when it might happen is exhilarating for her. If she doesn't fear you, you're doing something wrong.

Tip #4 - Run and walk in slow motion if at all possible. That way when she sees you for the first time, she has plenty of time to check you out.

Tip #5 - When a girl thinks about future possibilities with you, she thinks about you and her running through the forest together and lying in a bed of flowers. Take several pictures of yourself laying in a bed of flowers and looking at the sky - thinking. Make sure it's a wide-angle lense so that she can see the empty spot next to you. Leave this picture around your house so she can find it.

Tip #6 - Tell her you'd never let her down. Then let her down almost immediately.

Tip #7 - Be willing to give your life for that loved one and actually come close to doing it. At that last moment as you're walking to the cliff, walk extra, EXTRA slow, because let's face it, you don't really want to die. If your toes are over the ledge and she still hasn't arrived to save you, just stop. Keep finding other ways to die slowly until she comes. Leave notes as to your whereabouts.

When she says it was always you, it's time to exhale. Well, I'm off to try my hand at love - the Twilight way - I recommend you do the same. I mean, the 3rd biggest box office opening in history can't be wrong. And neither can me.

Sincerely,
Kevin
The Silicon Valley Bachelor