A Bachelor's Favorite TV Shows... and Life Lessons Learned

While I don't watch too much television, preferring naps anywhere from 1 to 14 hours over planning my schedule around a weekly show, I have arcane taste in television shows that may give you a little bit of insight into my distinct and future Nobel-Prize-winning-mind. My taste in television shows is oddly more discriminating than my taste in food and women (no offense Jack in a Box).

While I haven't regularly watched many TV series, the ones that I have have taught me all that I need to know in life. My parents only taught me how to wash and fold clothes, vacuum, mow the lawn, dust, and accept verbal and physical punishment. Heck, without Launchpad McQuack, I'd probably be laying in a gutter somewhere, singing hymns from Marilyn Manson.

Below are the list of television shows I've watched and how they've influenced my life:

Dungeons & Dragons -


Then: I was a young child with a not-yet-developed mind and I loved this show, although I can only recall something with a shield and fire-breathing animals. I also didn't get a chance to watch it much, since I was usually sleeping until noon. (Some things never change!)

Today?: I'm a grown-up with a not-yet-developed mind, and I often wake up with a fire-breathing animal I met the night before. D&D taught me that bypassing sleep may be rewarding sometimes, but not most of the time.


G.I. Joe -


Then: This is one of my ALL-TIME FAVORITE shows. I learned the beauty of male camaraderie and how my evil sister was like the Baroness. And I also learned how to say, "Cobra-la-la-la-la-la!!!!" And how it was important to know things before battle. Like whether people had weapons, or were bigger, stronger, and/or blacker than you.

Today: I now know that knowing IS half the battle. And trying to know the other half really hurts your brain, so don't even try.

(Plus, I will name my kids Shipwreck, Snake Eyes, and Storm Shadow - regardless of sex.)


Ducktales -


Then: Launchpad McQuack was such a silly little duck. When he turned into Gizmo Duck, it was like when Steven Urkel turned into Stafon. Smooth.... Anyhow, Ducktales was full of adventure, intrigue, and possibilities. I mean, how can anyone swim through gold coins?!?! That sh*t had to hurt.

Today: I learned that swimming through dollar bills is a lot easier, since I had no gold coins to try out. Of course, I could only muster up $3.73... but it felt GOOD!


MacGyver -


Then: I mean, c'mon! What boy didn't want to work the magic that MacGyver did? It must've taken him countless years to hone all that skill. With his dexterous fingers, and his quick-thinking mind... how did he ever get locks so golden brown and finely managed with that perfect combination of mouse and hairspray? I'll never know.

Today: I still wait for that perfect day where every piece of hair falls in place in a layered way that would make Ellen Degeneres blush. It's then when I'll look at myself in the mirror and say: "eat your heart out, MacGyver."


Charles in Charge -


Then: I only love this show for the opening song. Charles in Charge, of our days, and our lives....

Today: "Charles in Charge, of our days, and our lives...."


Out of This World -


Then: Oh man, how great would it have been to freeze time and sneak into the girl's locker room? Not only that, I would've used my power for good - like maybe 80 points, 20 rebounds, 20 blocks, and ZERO assists a game.

Today: I realize that freezing time doesn't work - like that one time when a punch was coming right at my face. Don't worry though, my nose cushioned the impact.


Quantum Leap -


Then: I often think about what it's like to live other people's lives. Particularly from when I wake up, to, oh, say when I go to sleep. Sam was helping the world, one person at a time.

Today: Like Sam, I have to live for the moment or else I may be trapped in a woman's body forever.


Married with Children -


Then: Who knew that making fun of yourself, family, neighbors, and dire predicaments could be so much fun?!??! And what's this with sticking your hands down the front of your pants?...... WHOA BUNDY!

Today: Like Al Bundy, I often re-live my glory high school days when I once had 4 points and 4 rebounds in one game against Saratoga High School. Although I am not married, Al taught me that life can't truly ever get as bad as his.


Fresh Prince of Bel-Air -


Then: I wish I had a can of spray paint to spray my arm pits and that I was black.

Today: I wish I had a can of spray paint to spray my arm pits and that I was black.


Lost -


Then: Sawyer taught me what it meant to be a real, rugged man. Jack taught me to drink alcohol like an alcoholic. Hurley taught me what it's like to be annoying and a talentless actor. And all the cast taught me to be riddled with guilt and a complex history.

Today: I'm a split-personality pyschopath who lives on a Fantasy Island in my mind and I would prefer you call me Freckles.


Entourage -


Then: Growing up with no friends and Ducktales, I always wanted true bro-friendship like the ones these actors portray in a fake world. Each character has a strength that compliments the group; brains (E), looks (Vinny), mouth (Ari), wit (Drama), and slave (Turtle).

Today: I have almost 500 friends (on Facebook) and no shortage of confidence and/or friends. Did I already say friends? Because my friends are calling me now to go hit golf balls from their backyard overlooking Los Angeles. Afterwards I may get a handjob from Jamie-Lynn Sigler. I don't know yet, I don't know if we'll have enough time... I am in NO way lonely and single and pathetic.

----

I probably won't be watching too many television shows from here on out - too much to do.... In the meantime, I'll be hanging out in my Dungeon, playing with my G.I. Joe's, telling them Ducktales about a guy named MacGyver who left Charles in Charge, who was Out of This World, when he took a Quantum Leap into being Married with Children, performed by the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, who got Lost, but found his Entourage.

I am so cool.

Who wouldn't want Charles to be in charge, of our days and our night? Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights, and I sing, I want, I want Charles in charge of meeeeee!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Avoid Tourist Trap Bars and Nightclubs? Think again!

Let’s face it; some women want to score just as much as guys do. The difference is that women can step outside their front door on their worst day and get it. Us guys? We need all the help we can get. I’ve already told you Community College is a good place to start, but for those of us who don’t want to take the time to sit through a boring remedial English class, there’s another option: tourist hotspots. In particular, a tourist book’s bar and club recommendations.


Think about it - it’s a goldmine. Whereas, in local hotspots you meet the same stuck-up gals who come fully-attached with, (pardon the language), c*ck-blocking girlfriends and the possibility of knowing various people in the room through 3 degrees of separation, in tourist spots, the only thing people come attached with is the desire to have, not a good time, but a GREAT time. They also come without the limitations of having to stay sober to drive home, thus the increased likelihood that they’d make the mistake of going home with you. Take it from me: I have been that mistake many, many times.


In Silicon Valley, we happen to live just a stone’s throw away from the hideous mutants that live in Cupertino, San Jose, Sunnyvale, Mountain View, and Palo Alto, to the less hideous mutants of San Francisco. San Francisco, as you may well know, is what “other” non-mutants call a tourist destination. While San Francisco women and men are not much to travel far and wide to, us on the outlying areas should take full-advantage of the tourists in San Francisco... but we don’t.

A quick look at tourist books like Frommers or Lonely Planet San Francisco will tell you that we should go to The Matrix, 1015 Fulsom, Ruby Skye, and The Bubble Lounge in San Francisco. These are places that most locals would never be caught dead in. And therein lies the beauty in going to those places... Ehhh? Know what I’m talkin’ bout? Okay, idiots. The mutants of Silicon Valley won’t be there! At least the dumb mutants who don’t read this blog.

So take advantage of my wealth of knowledge and if Lonely Planet makes a book for your city, don’t shy away from the whack places they name as the bar or club to go to. Go to them for the best available chances to score – especially when it comes to San Francisco.

Go my little pups of engineers and computer programmers. Step away from that computer, crack open those blinds and see what awaits you in that scary world not named Warcraft. Follow the white rabbit, Neo. You may just see me wearing my velvet shirt, Euro-tight leather pants, and leading the Macarena.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Perpetual Bachelorhood: George Clooney and Me

A lot of people ask me what I’ll do with this blog after I stop being a bachelor. I normally say I’ll ghost write , feature contributors, recycle old memories, and interview famous bachelors. But why can’t I just be a bachelor forever? George Clooney seems to be just fine. Why can’t I be George Clooney? Well... minus the private island, boat, worldwide celebrity status, money, and good looks, but other than that, I could totally be George Clooney. Well... also minus the facial hair, salt & pepper locks, charm, and super model arm candy, but other than that, I’m a dead ringer.


In actuality, I'm just protecting the sanctity of marriage. If current trends continue, over 40% of marriages will end up in divorce. Now I believe if you get married, you should stay married.... no matter how much that guy gets fat, farts, stops listening to you, stops grooming himself, watches the same SportsCenter highlights at the start of every hour, and generally stops forming complete sentences in exchange for grunts. Because of my strong religious beliefs, I am doing society a favor by delaying marriage - possibly delaying it forever!

Just look at this chart below. At the very least, your odds are better the later you get married:

Age at marriage for those who divorce in the United States

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Age/ Women/ Men
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Under 20 years old/ 27.6%/ 11.7%
20 to 24 years old/ 36.6%/ 38.8%
25 to 29 years old/ 16.4%/ 22.3%
30 to 34 years old/ 8.5%/ 11.6%
35 to 39 years old/ 5.1%/ 6.5%

--------------------------------------------------

There's a whole bunch of other fine statistic here, but I stopped reading when I noticed there were a lot of big words and the numbers went higher than 10. BUT, I cut the best parts out and you can also see that your first marriage has a higher chance of survival, than your second and third. Essentially meaning, your first shot is your best shot.

- 41 percent of first marriages end in divorce.
- 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.
- 73 percent of third marriages end in divorce.

I surely don't believe this - *cough-Larry King-Elizabeth Taylor-and that old guy in Miami with the 30 year old wife *end cough*. I have told you many, many times before - I am a romantic. A romantic who desperately wants to romanticize many, many women. Haha, ok, just kidding. I want to be James Garner reading to his old wife in The Notebook. (Although, James Marsden seemed to be a real good catch too.) I want to be Tom Cruise needing the love of Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire to be complete. I want to be Ewan McGregor serenading Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. I want to be Ben Affleck in Gigli.


But it seems Hollywood and society has painted a much rosier picture on marriage than reality proves. I don't want to end up a divorced statistic. When I get married, I want to be married forever. Thus, George Clooney and I will carry on the torch that Warren Beatty left behind when he married Annette Bening. As a favor to George, he can have the 8s, 9s, and 10s, and I will take the 5s and below. And as a favor to you, this blog will continue. You mark my words, society will NOT force me into a wrong decision on love and marriage. They may mislead me into thinking I'll be ok after eating 2 Chili Cheese Dogs for $2 at Wienerschnitzel, but they will NEVER force an impulse buy down the wedding aisle.

"They may take our women, but they'll never take the SVB blog and our freedom!" - (Or something like that) as quoted by Mel Gibson in Braveheart.

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Signs He Doesn't Want to Be Your Boyfriend

I would like to say that I give fairly good dating advice. To this day, I have no recollection of ever having told someone the true intention of a guy, through his actions, that wasn't true or about to come true. The only problem with giving the destitute and hopeless advice is that they never take it, no matter how much you know what you're talking about. They always insist on learning the hard way.

Let's just say you can't bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. Whatever trick is in the book, I've done it. Ladies, be forwarned: avoid me. I may wow your mothers and charm your socks off, but behind these boyish, innocent good looks lies a Jude Law who will sleep with the paperboy when you're not looking.

So while I am an excellent advice-giver, I'm also an excellent listener who asks many questions. You, of course, want to talk, but not really listen, so I will exhaust every question in the book to give you a sense of peace and then deliver a truly meaningful, catered answered that will fall on deaf ears.

For those deaf ears, here is some reading for your blind eyes. Here are just a few ways you should know that a guy just isn't into you and will probably NEVER be your boyfriend.

1. He never calls before 2am – and when he does, it’s mostly in the form of creative text messages like: “Wut r u doing?”

2. You only hang out Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday.

3. You have never met any of his friends.

4. He says really nasty things to you in the heat of the moment…. like REALLY nasty (but knowing your type, you probably go with it).

5. You have never gone out to a nice dinner with him, much less "Jack in a Box".

6. Conversation is light, loose, and fun, because he really doesn’t care.

7. He says he’s broke… a lot.

8. He constantly forgets if you have a sibling or where you’re from.

9. His phone never rings while he’s with you, but little do you now that it’s on silent to keep his other girls from blowing his cover.

10. He doesn’t return your calls on weekends.

11. He wears a hat and a hoodie if you ever have to go anywhere in public... and he mostly opts to wait in the car.

12. You cuddle and talk and he continues to fondle you so that he can keep himself from falling asleep from boredom.

13. He only compliments you on your looks or sexual practices.

And finally…. this should be a dead giveaway, but some women just don’t get the hint...

14. He always talks about how he loves his freedom and it’s great that you’re so easygoing.

Well ladies, don’t set yourself up for punishment. I know this will not be enough to sway you, because you’ll have a bagful of excuses. Stop me if this sounds familiar:

"But you haven’t seen the way he looks at me..."

"He tells me things that he doesn’t share with other people."

"But we have SOOO much fun together."

"He’s just not ready to settle down yet."

"He has trust issues."

"His last girlfriend cheated on him."

"He had a really difficult childhood."

"Jail was tough on him."

"He’ll find a job one day."

"He lives with his parents."

Alas, I am a good friend. So, I will listen to your stories. I won’t offer solutions, I’ll just nod my head in sympathy and imagine that I am hanging myself from the ceiling fan or I’ll imagine outrageous things I could randomly shout out in a tourettes-like manner.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Sympathetic Silicon Valley Bachelor