How To Tell If You're a Douchebag

The word 'douchebag' gets thrown around with increasing regularity in our vernacular, particularly under people's breath when I enter a room. Since I'm not shy about my words, let me tell you what a 'douche bag' literally means. Well, it's the thing that females use to clean that female part that is sometimes used for the birds and the bees. (Feel free to quote me in scientific journals.)

In a non-literal way, society uses douchebag to describe a male who might also encompass the characteristics of a jerk, an a*shole, a d*ckhead, or a CEO. Allow me to give you a visual presentation on what a douchebag physically might look like.

You might be a douchebag if you...


... have an Arm Band Tattoo - Somewhere in 1995, this was a novelty, until every aspiring WWE fan decided his biceps were getting to douchebag proportions, thus requiring an arm band tattoo.

You might be a douchebag if you...


... wear an Ed Hardy shirt - TMZ.com once called Christian Audigier, "the designer for the douchebags of the world." Case in point: Jon Gosselin wears them. (Not that I go to TMZ.com or know who Jon Gosselin is... but you deserve better Kate!)

You might be a douchebag if you...


... pop your collar - Something I have NEVER been guilty of....


much.

You might be a douchebag if you...


... wear a wife-beater to the club - And not just any wife-beater, but one that doubles as a brassiere.

You might be a douchebag if you...


... don't smile in pics, preferring to pucker up instead - There are also a number of other things I could point out in this pic, including the fake tans, outrageous hair, opened shirts to reveal a hairless chest (nothing wrong with that), and long dangling chains.

You might be a douchebag if you...


... wear your hat sideways - Notice other signs of doucheyness? (Anyone? Anyone? Bueller, Bueller.... Aforementioned puckered lips. Sheesh!)

You might be a douchebag if you...


... own a raised truck with big wheels - This situation is exacerbated commonly with a pair of brass balls that hang from the bumper, decals of a naked woman and/or a decal of Calvin urinating on something a democrat might like.

You might be a douchebag if you...


... you take a shirtless pic of yourself in the mirror - ... and of course use it as your social network profile picture. I mean, c'mon, and the Kobe Bryant sleeve phone cover? I guess it must be that rapist wit that he has.

And the number one way you can tell if you're a douchebag? You're the Silicon Valley Bachelor.


Those glasses were cool in what? 1985? when Back to the Future came out? Hey, and news flash: You're in a club - it's already dark. And push down that ridiculous hair. What a loser.

Anyway, motherf*cker, there are many other un-visual signs of a douchebag, including the f*ckin overuse of curse words and sh*t like that. Douchebags are also largely homophobic and will liberally throw out words like "gay" and "f*ggot" to describe people and things they don't like.

Don't be an ignorant douchebag. Be an educated, respectable douchebag - like myself.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

First National Cougar Convention in Palo Alto! What is a Cougar!??!

In Silicon Valley there are few reasons to rejoice when you’re a bachelor, but come tomorrow night, we will be prey. Besides hanging out in the Castro, this is one of the few times where we’ll have the luxury of just mingling amongst our male friends sipping cosmos and rejecting those we please and welcoming those we deem fit (err... not that I do that in the Castro). The reason we can pretend we’re a woman in Man Jose? Cougar Con, baby! And it’s taking place in Palo Alto. It’ll be like eating in a free buffet line that serves everything, but you’re only mildly hungry.


If you've never been with a cougar, they are quite aggressive, unafraid of buying you a drink, and they speak their mind - a dirty mind, at that. What's not to love? It's like bagging a woman, without all the headache, chivalry, expenditures, follow-up phone calls, and did I mention headache? While there's been much reporting about how a cougar is just in it for some young, hot ass (that's me, of course... well, the "ass" part) and that they're confident, I have found cougars to be much more vulnerable beneath their facade.

These are women who have probably come out of a relationship where their men left them for younger, hotter women. Their egos are bruised. Many of them have not dated for some time, so they're unsure of themselves as a single woman. Fortunately, they have money to spend from the divorce, and years of partying to catch up on. They desperately want to fit in and will probably go home with a douchebag like yourself.

If you do happen to get lucky with a cougar, treat them with respect. They won't stay a cougar for long, because, let's face it, partying every night with 20 somethings and mixing it up until the early morning hours gets to be tiring. Eventually they'll want to settle down again and join a productive society. What this productive society is? I don't know. I've heard of it, but I assume it's something like working 40 hours a week, joining the PTA and YMCA, voting, and/or paying taxes. I'm not sure if you have to do one to do the other, but it sounds complicated.

Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend the National Cougar Convention tomorrow night at Trader Vic's and Dinah's Garden Hotel. You can read more about it here and you can read about this journalist's experiences going to a cougar event put on by the Society of Single Professionals. I can tell you now, there will probably be way more guys than girls, no matter what you've read. Census figures have us (in certain Silicon Valley areas) as 125 guys to every 100 unnattractive females. (I added the "unnattractive" part.)


Well, what is a cougar? I think of it as any woman who is at least 10 years older than you. Although, note to everyone: NEVER ask a woman's age. (Or ask how much they weigh, or if they are pregnant. I have done the latter twice, to very abysmal results.) Some people say the woman has to be over 40, but I'm all about an inclusive movement. 25 and 15? Why not? Well, besides the fact it would be illegal... how about 28 and 18? That's better! Cougar on!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Cougar Hunter

Love is Beautiful - Even a Bachelor Can See That

I came across one of the most heartfelt blog comments ever left on my blog this last weekend, right before I was heading off to Napa Valley for one of my dear friend's weddings. Perfect time for some sentimentality. It also happened to be on a blog post where I praise the virtues and lessons of Sex and the City over Entourage - not exactly a safe stand to take, coming from a "bachelor" blog.

He writes:

i stumbled upon this blog while at work and you know what i am really glad i read it, my girlfriend of a year is probably a 6 or so on the "richter scale" and often times i'm disctracted by the illusory beauty of the grass on the other side, but when i stop and think of our compatibility with one another, our shared experiences, and all the little acts of compassion and thoughtfulness she has shown me it amazes me that i have found someone so truly special. thank you kevin for reminding me that my girlfriend is "better than my dream girl because she is real"

Now, I may write a lot about the best places to find some action, tactics to score, late-night food, and run-ins with law enforcement (nothing was ever proven), but I'm truly a romantic at heart and this comment touched me. I may embrace bachelorhood a little too much. I may enjoy partying too much. I may hit on women with a little bit too much fervor. But no matter what I do in life, nothing can or could give me the same amount of joy as finding my soul mate.

Not sure what I mean? Check out what PURE joy looks like on the faces of my dear friends, Josh and Sarah, at their wedding this last weekend after being introduced:


Bachelorhood is fun, and I will always embrace it, but I will be cursed if I never get to experience love like theirs.

Consider yourselves lucky if you've found that special someone.

You can laugh at my antics, or live vicariously through me, but know that you are the one that I truly envy.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.

Partying in Vancouver: Through the Eyes of a Local

Well, my month of travels has only two weekends and three destinations left, thank goodness. I'm tired and I really think that my body has started to send me signals that enough is enough. Take for instance the projectile vomiting in Boston at 1pm in the afternoon. I laughed at first and thought, 'is this all you got?' It's going to take a lot more than puking up complete pieces of lobster and whiskey mixed with stomach acid to make me stop.

Two hours later - I wasn't laughing anymore.

I begged for it to stop as food was getting caught in the sink and making me puke more from the sight. Then I quickly turned to the toilet and puked more, which I realized I should have done from the beginning, since you can flush the puke right out of your life! As you can tell, I am not a barfer. Heck, I use words like 'barfer' - that should say something right there. Normally I just sleep the hangover off, but NOOOOO, not this time. Well, I'll tell you who had the last laugh. I promptly showered up and forced some more vodka down my stomach at the hotel bar. And I mean copious amounts! Make me puke up all that expensive food!??! I'll show you.

Mind vs. Body: 1 to 1 (although, if you count my whole life, the score is probably 8,947 to 3)

So the battle lines have been drawn, we meet again in Seattle tomorrow. But since I don't have much time to write with all this traveling, I have decided to post my friend Emily's quick synopsis of Vancouver (which I visited a few weeks ago) here. Vancouver will warrant another post later, (because I want to live there), but this will have to do for now. As a little bit of a preface, I asked Emily if there were any places that would be hard to get into, because it's nothing the SVB can't solve with an ahead of time phone call:

Me: Hey, this is the Silicon Valley Bachelor, I'll be in town this weekend and I need to check out your club for a post that I may write.

Club Manager: Who?

Me: This is a little embarassing. I'm kind of a big deal. Have you heard of the Silicon Valley Bachelor....

Club Manager: No.

Me: You infidel! Well, allow myself to ... err, introduce myself-

Club Manager: Click

Well, without anymore delay, here is my friend Emily's comments on Vancouver partying and night life. (My future post will have much more graphic detail.):

Hotspots that will be hard to get into ... hummm. Well, just to forewarn you, Vancouver isn't exactly happening like a Vegas ya know? I speak high of it, and it's one of the top places to live in the world, blah blah, but try to picture a cross between an SF and LA? With friendlier and less obese people. Way more Asians and virtually no Blacks. Lots of cheap sushi. And slutty women! It's like another version of Iceland! But honestly it'll lack on the "big city"feel, more of a laid back friendly place where we don't believe in guns and love hockey.

We lack on people. 2 million in the metro area, only 33 mil in the country. Crazy for one of the largest land masses in the world eh? But to spice things up, Vancouver's women to men ratio is I think 3:1. Or 5:1, something ridiculous. And the women are by far, hotter than the men. It's kinda strange. So odds are definitely in your favour!

With that being said, you'll have to tell me what's your kinda scene? Are you digging the hole-in-the-walls, peeps from all walks of life, or do you like the more upscale douchey-pop-collar and $10 drinks? I mean, I can do both. I'm just accommodating that way!

Can you tell I host travelers all the time? It's part of my paying-it-forward motto in life, I usually host about 1-2x a month. So I have a list of places/things for you to do, just let me know what you like! The Hyatt is absolutely gorgeous, it's only 2 blocks from my house actually. I live in the core of downtown. It's great for stumbling home after the bars. The party strip is on this street called Granville and unfortunately it's only packed on Fri/Sat. Thursday is a warm up if you're down for it ...

Vancouver's a lot like SF where you can really walk just about everywhere downtown. Stanley Park is like your Golden Gate park (it's designed by the same dude I believe), we have a couple of pretty bridges. The downtown is essentially like an island. There's Granville Island which is a 20 minute walk from d/t, it's gorgeous. Art galleries and farmer's markets. Chinatown, Gastown, Yaletown, Commercial Drive - kinda like Nob Hill, Mission, etc.

To avoid sounding like a complete Lonely Planet, I'll end it here! Let me know if you have any ?s.


Anyway, Emily was a great host, a champion piano player, and also a great blogger. I guess it takes one to know one!!!! Haha, get it? Meaning I'm great! Like Wilt Chamberlain great. Fred Astaire great. Tony Danza great. Al Bundy great. GREAT. Get it??

No????

F*cK you. I don't have to impress you.

Sincerely,
F*ck this. I'm not even going to sign off.

P.S. I have been watching a lot of The Family Guy lately. Stewie is my favorite character.

Doing Big Things: The People Who Make It Happen

I’ve written in the past about how proud and impressed I am with some of my friends. That continues to be the case as many of my friends find themselves mired under the same economic difficulties that befall the rest of the nation. I’m a true believer that we accomplish some of our most impressive feats under adversity. Take for instance the time I got let go from my first job and I promptly spent the next week playing Madden Football 12 hours a day and finishing in 3rd place against the computer! I, too, am impressed with that defining accomplishment. (I also slept 16 hours once too, but who's counting?)

The fact of the matter is, some people wait for things to happen, others, make things happen. Below are a list of my friends and the proactive efforts they’re taking to innovate and redefine in a time when complacency won’t do. It’s this drive that will lead us out of the recession and into a better tomorrow. Let’s face it – their passion and ambition is sexy. I want to do them all. (That's sexual intercourse, for the layman.) While some had their backs against the wall, most were just making things happen! Here are their ventures.

1. Toan Lam – GoInspireGo.com - a former KRON news reporter who got let go, started his site to tell the stories of people who inspire. Along with running his website full-time, Toan also teaches at two local universities, and writes freelance for the Huffington Post. How’s that for reinventing yourself and making things happen? Fitting for someone who runs a website built on inspiration.


2. Jeremy Lee – ThePicTV.com - also a former KRON news reporter, Jeremy is now living amongst creative individuals in a New York housing unit meant to foster the talents of writers and artists. His site takes advantage of his boundless energy, acting, and satirical skills as he interviews celebrities, athletes, entertainers, and even himself under several of his different personas, including Chico Fuentes and Kenji Miyamoto.


3. Margaret Timbrell – Bath Sense - currently a talented San Francisco artist, (whose work happens to hang in my living room, with which I use to seduce women), Margaret recently bought a soap shop to pour her creative and upbeat personality into. My fandom of Margaret is well-documented. I guess now I will have to use real soap when I shower, rather than Dial hand pump soap gel.


4. Kim Casibang – Education Advancement Online – Kim started her website to help people continue their education - a major initiative of President Obama, if I’m not mistaken. I guess it's not too late for me to learn to read good and do other things good too.


5. Ryan Osilla and Irit Epelbaum – SocialCurrent.org - Ryan and Irit are too very ambitious and driven people. While quite comfortable, and successful in their own right, they decided that wasn't enough. On top of their demanding full-time jobs, they started their website to help promote social change through a social community. By doing good deeds and finding other ventures to take part in, people can see what a difference they make and what a loser I am.


6. Ashley Gamble – Letter Kissed - My former college roommate is the sweetest gal you'll meet, so it's no surprise when she recently started a personalized stationary company. You can design invitations for births, graduations, and weddings. I guess I'll never be using this site. Here's to you "happy" people.


With 1 in 10 people unemployed in the United States, I find it pretty amazing that I only have like 1 out of 480 or so, close (source: Facebook) friends who are unemployed. You know who you are. Do something. In this world, we don't need an infusion of venture capital to make things happen. It's all within ourselves to make sh*t up as we go.

While I certainly don't wish for this to happen, if something did.... I have several ventures I would LOVE to take a chance on. Isn't that what makes life sexy? Don't wait for things to happen.

Sincerely,
Kevin
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. I truly LOVE all my friends.

A Eugoogly: The Loss of a Dear Friend...

This weekend was a very difficult one for me. I lost a truly valued member of my entourage. For the past 10 years, he was with me almost everywhere I went. A confidante, a guide, a resource, a sounding board, a portable porno looking machine, and sometimes.... even a lover. Yes, I am mourning the passing of my cell phone, but more importantly the memory chip (see: heart) that was located inside of my lil' buddy. On that chip were numbers accumulated from 10 years of philandering, idiocies, fast food restaurants, and even a friendship or two.

So many hours spent on that phone whispering sweet nothings. So many 2am calls, dialing numbers of girls that never answered. So many unexplained questions of missing women who asked me to delete their number from my phone and never call them again. So many calls from police detectives asking about the whereabouts of my being from 2am to 8am on Sunday mornings.... err, I mean.... uhhh, did you guys catch that traffic this morning?

Well, here is what I'll miss the most:

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - BROADWAY AVENUE - NIGHT

It's 2am, KEVIN, 30, lean, muscular chest and arms, with a tan that would make George Hamilton whimper, stumbles out of a seedy bar in desperate search of someone who might go home with him. All around him are women who find him devastatingly handsome, but are afraid to approach him. Instead, they give their numbers to douchebags wearing Ed Hardy shirts.
Kevin quickly goes down the list of random names in his phone. He starts with the "A's" and works his way down.

KEVIN
Hey... (quickly checks phone for name)... Amanda. It was great meeting you at (quick cough to conceal random place not remembered). I was just calling to see what you're up to? Maybe you might want to meet up for some coffee. Like... maybe, in like 10 minutes. I can be there in 2. Call me back if you get this message and tell me where you live again. OK, talk soon.

20 minutes later, Kevin is at the "H's".

KEVIN
(Cont.)

Hey.... (quickly checks phone for name) ... Heather. (Desperation is now showing in Kevin's voice.) It was great meeting you... at, oh, let's cut the bullsh*t. What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me getting together? Hit me with it! It took a lot of effort to call you, the least you can do is level with me. That was from Dumb and Dumber. I'm funny. You might realize that if you'd answered the phone!!!!! You stupid sonofab*$#!&. You're going to regret this for the rest of YOUR LIFFFEEE!!!!!..... Well, call me back if you want. I'll be around. No hard feelings.

20 more minutes later - Kevin is now at the "W's". There a few options left.

KEVIN
(Cont.)
Hey. You. Sex. Now. Call me.

5 minutes later - Kevin is at his last option and has moved from an aggressive tactic to a highly emotional one.

KEVIN
(Cont.)

You had me at hello. YOU.... HAD .... ME .... AT ..... HELLOOOOO. I love you. (Kevin is barely comprehensible through the tears.) My mother, she never loved me. And, and, and, I never learned to read..... Wahhhhhhhh, (hyperventilation), wahhhhhh.

And..... Scene.

I spared you from the part where I sit next to a homeless guy and we weep together over my sad life story. (Alibi! Anyone listening? Mr. SFPD detective....) Well, phone.... well, prospective booty calls.... well, fast food restaurants.... I'll miss you. We had some good times together. Like that one time when I dropped you into the urine and poop-filled toilet and you still worked! Oh man, that was so much fun! Or the other time when I dropped you into a urine and poop-filled toilet! Man, you rocked my world.


Have fun with your new owner. May they please never post any of the pictures or videos on that phone. Let's just say my sex tape would not compete with Pam and Tommy Lee or Paris Hilton and that one guy, although I think I'd give Verne Troyer and Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) a run for their money.



Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Phoneless Bachelor

I left my phone in New York City

This is Sister SVB. Brother SVB returned from a trip to "visit me" in New York today.







Number of days Brother SVB was in New York City: 4

Time I saw him the daylight: 1 hour

Items left: 1 cel phone charger, 1 cel phone, 1 neck pillow, 4 fried chicken fingers

Number of my friends who had to share the living room with him at night: 1

Number of times said friend told Brother SVB "I hate you": 1

Number of times Brother SVB told friend, "I hate you": 2

Number of times Brother SVB threatened to punch friend in face: 2

Number of actual punches: 0

Average hour of Brother SVB's return: 4 am

Average hour Brother SVB arose from slumber: 4 pm

Number of blindingly white shoes worn sans socks: 2

Number of minutes Brother SVB takes to inflate aerobed: 30

Number of minutes average orangutan takes to inflate aerobed: 3

If Brother SVB is reading this, please call your sister.