Drunk Text Booty Calls!

While time, wisdom, and Jack in the Box has quelled my thirst for the drunken booty call text, there are still many a nights where I look at my phone longingly and scroll through the list of women from years past. It used to be systematic: Go to a club, hit on women, strike out (errr, I mean, reject women), get kicked out, wait outside in the cold, swallow sadness, and then text every single romantic interest I have ever had since 5th grade. Now, I just look at my phone and know that I am too good for this. I mean, I'm already disappointed, why end a girl's night in disappointment as well?!!? Although, for at least two minutes, it's AWESOME! Plus, I like to sprawl out on my bed alone all drunken and naked like a giddy, muddied pig!

Anyway, my coworker and desk neighbor, Irit, sent me this site called http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/ and it brought back some of the good old days - back when I was king of the text, and lord of the Jumbo Jack! Now I watch The Notebook and Twilight when I have nothing better to do. So, on this site people text in funny and/or disturbing texts they have received or left. Here are some of my favorites:

(562): glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore

(415): I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.

(401): my mouth tastes like poor choices

(870): do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
(1-870): well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
(870): what chic?

Haha, good times! Sigh* I remember my first all-male threesome! Talk about awkward! My texts in my heyday were pretty basic. Things like: "Sex. Now." or "I just heard a song that reminds me of you. Let's have sex." or "Hey, Barry Bonds is at the plate. I want you."

Check out the site if you haven't. Another good and similar site is http://www.fmylife.com/. They may not all be real, but they're short, funny, creative condensed messages in this world of 140 characters or less. My blog might cease to exist in another year. Too many words! It's kind of like when they say the MTV generation has a limited attention span because of the commercial, cut-aways, etc. that keep our minds programmed at certain time constraints.

Oh well. If that happens, I got 140 characters for you: F you! No, I mean that literally. Let's have sex.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Don't Sign Up for Twitter! And a Tribute to My Flippy Floppies!

Ok, ok, so I said I would be posting more following the conclusion of my screenplay (still waiting). Well guess what? I lied b*tches! Just kidding, I don't use that kind of language, you little effers. But I have been doing something you might've heard about..... it's called LIFE. I've been living it with my flippy floppies. And I'm not about to Tweet all my thoughts on Twitter at every interval of my life. Folks, if there's something I can ask you to not do, it's join Twitter. Live your stupid, inconsequential life and then die. (I mean that in a nice way.)

Twitter, in case you're wondering, is like your Facebook status, only it's open to the world and it's just constant status and thoughts. You can't even stalk someone's pictures and/or right click the ones with hot chicks in bikinis and save them to your computer in a folder titled "private"! I mean c'mon, that's just ridiculous. Twitter should only be used by people with a following: Celebrities, Politicians, Business Owners, the Menendez Brothers, Aunt Jemima - not Joe Blow.

I already get so annoyed reading the posts and status of people I barely know on Facebook: "I just got home from work." "Going to bed now." "It is hot." I have hidden all these people from my feed for their lack of creativity and for their need to post something so mundane. I prefer witty and/or clever observations, celebratory moments, and intellectual dilemas, like: "Boobs or Ass?" Or "I heart boobs." Or "What if I just turned the wheel and drive into oncoming traffic?"


Anyway, while I've NOT been Twittering, I've been on a boat, motherf*ckers! (It's okay if you don't spell the word out.) My friend Margaret invited me and 39 other of her closest friends. I'm ranked #7, I think. We proceeded to drink and my toes loved the fresh air! And let's just say I had my way with a mermaid...... if you know what I mean....

So go out and live your life, don't join Twitter, and post more bikini pics on your Facebook page - I'll be ...... I mean, you'll be glad you did.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. You can follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/kevinleu

The Bruno Movie Trailer: Sacha Baron Cohen and Borat are Back!

While I would like to see Baron Cohen record enough material for a stable of movies to guard again his success, 3 years after Borat, here comes Bruno! If you never watched HBO's Da Ali G Show, Bruno was one of the characters Baron Cohen developed along with Borat and Ali G. Bruno was a flamboyant, gay fashion correspondent from Austria.

Just like Borat, Bruno secured interviews with some of the fashion industry's titans and went to some of the most homophobic areas and settings of the U.S., including a gun show in Alabama and spring break in Florida.

Some of his zingers?

- getting two college guys to wrestle with him on the beach wearing very little

- asking a University of Alabama football player whether he can date his teammates during the season

- flirting with a very masculine gun owner

- having his fashion interview subjects contradict themselves and sit in uncomfortable positions during interviews

These description don't do the reactions justice. Watch Da Ali G show on DVD!


While Bruno's hair has changed for the movie, and some of the interviews and situations seem a little manufactured, I'm sure the responses he elicits are still honest depictions. Check out the movie trailer below:


In case the studio disables the video, you can click here to go to the Bruno site and see the preview.

While Borat taught us a little about the social shortcomings and mores of our society, hopefully Bruno can show us through socially awkward situations and laughter how limited we are in our treatment of gays and lesbians. I'm sure it'll be a subtle message, but an important one. It'll be interesting to see how receptive an American audience is to seeing a gay man make people uncomfortable as opposed to a Kazakhstani reporter.

I hear there are some really good moments in this movie, including a scene where Bruno gets Congressman Ron Paul into a bedroom with champagne and strawberries - hoping to make a sex tape. He also adopts a black baby and names him O.J. I would see the movie just for these two scenes.

Congratulations, Baron Cohen - for punking the American public again! We missed you.

Sincerely,
Kevin
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

The Best Singles Places in Buenos Aires, Argentina

While I don't condone such blasphemous behavior such as female exploitation, I am acutely aware that some of my most well-read blog posts are about "easy women," "places to hit on chicks," and "hot older ladies." To satisfy this majority thirst, I will now write about the best places to go to in Buenos Aires for some hot, funky, pirate loving. Of course, it should be noted that I spent my nights curled up reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez with a box of tissues, so these recommendations are a guess.

First of all, Buenos Aires is awesome. Imagine living in New York or San Francisco and going to the best restaurants in town, ordering a bottle of wine, cocktails, eating steak and never paying more than $50 for the meal. Next to Hong Kong, Buenos Aires is my next favorite city in the world, combining wonderful nightlife, great food, and beautiful women. But in terms of bang for the buck, BsAs is out of this world. If you ever want to retire to a place with all the amenities of what you're accustomed to in the United States, you can essentially triple your savings by moving to Argentina. The exchange rate is that good.

When drinking, you should drink Fernet and coke, which is what the locals drink. It tastes a little like licorice-flavored cough syrup, but it gets the job done! When in Rome..... Also, you should know that there is no rush to get drunk. Whereas in the U.S., we are perpetually in a rush, and last calls are at 1:30 am, most people don't even start heading out to the clubs in Buenos Aires until 1am. You can party all night and all morning with no worries about last call.

Now let's get you started with things you care about - like hitting on chicks. While a lot of these tour books like Frommers and Lonely Planet will tell you what nightspots to go to, they won't tell you what night of the week is good and what the clientele is like. This makes it particularly hard to navigate. I always recommend going to a tourist hotspot like an Irish Bar first where you know people will speak your language and you'll meet tourists on varying intervals of their trip. Cozy up to some hot english-speaking gal and chances are, they'll talk to you, because that's what tourists do - they talk to everyone. You can't be standoffish on an international vacation - you're a guest in someone else's country and with that comes a lot of humility. So saddle up partner, because everyone will let you in the door.

Now after saddling up to said woman, ask her how long she's been here, where's she from, blah blah blah - all the standards - then once her lips stop moving, you can stop dreaming about whether Sawyer should end up with Kate or Juliet and ask her where she recommends going on each given night of the week. These are valuable tips. Have her write it down on a napkin for you. This will make it easier for her write down her info later and possibly even the name of the hotel she's staying at, if you play your cards right! Most people club and bar hop, so ask her where to go on this very evening and then ask if she wants to go with you. If not, move on to a more inebriated-looking girl.

Here are some of my quick picks:

Where to Live?
Palermo. Keep in mind there are several subdivisions of Palermo, so if you want to save yourself cab fare and you want to stay where there's hip nightlife and restaurants, go for Palermo Soho and Palermo Hollywood. You can find great apartments in the area for as low as $200 a week!

Where to Eat?
Cabana Las Lilas. One of the most expensive restaurants in town (still not that bad with the American dollar) and the best steaks in the world. Order the Ojo De Bife and a bottle of Malbec - the Argentinean's own.

What to See?
The Women. While I would say they are not the most-beautiful women in the world, they have the highest concentration of above average women per square feet. Very rarely did I ever see someone that wasn't attractive - it was weird.

What to Do?
Relax. Sit outside at restaurants and cafes and just enjoy the company of those you're with. Don't rush. The bars won't close. It's great to experience this because we live in a culture that is so schedule-oriented and rushed. Don't forget to kiss girls on the cheek. It's custom!

Where to Go?
1. Unico. It's in the Palermo area and is filled with locals and tourists. Head there for a drink around midnight to 1 am. The clientele was great and it's a good place to start the night and get tips from other tourists (see above) on where to go. Depending on your luck with the ladies, you may not need to go very far!
2. Asia De Cuba. I went on a Wednesday and it's supposedly the place to be for the night. It didn't disappoint.
3. Mint. Mega club.
4. The Shamrock. This place is in all the tour books, so you're sure to meet tourists here - if that's your kick. Younger, and not as nice as Unico though.

What to Say?
Lo Siento. You gotta make some attempt to speak a country's language. It's more endearing to the opposite sex.
Lo Siento - Sorry (and you should say it a lot for all the words you don't know)
Como te llamas? - What is your name?
Me llamo - My name is...
Mucho gusto - Nice to meet you
Donde esta - Where is?
Por favor - Please
Gracias - Thank you
De nada - You're welcome (not that many people will have reason to give you thanks, but you never know)
Yo quiero - I want
Bano - Bathroom
Cuanto cuesta? - How much? (although, this really doesn't matter if you don't know the numbers)
Hablas ingles? - Speak english?
No hablo espanol - I don't speak spanish (you might as well throw in Lo Siento here!)
Comida - food
Cerveza - beer
Bailamos! - We dance!
Callate, quiero el sexo! - Shut up, I want sex! (This line you must do as if you were Enrique Iglesias. Put your finger over her moving lips and dramatically utter it! After you get slapped in the face, load up on a few more Fernet and cokes and call it a night!)

Well, those are the basics. If that fails, you could always head to Iceland for some "easy" action. And don't forget about my post, Best Singles Beaches in the World if you need a beach vacation.

Peace!
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

The Best of Andy Samberg - The Next Great Comic

SNL has turned out a number of hit comedians - some with limited timelines (i.e. Chris "You can never get enough Mango" Katan, Molly Shannon) and others with lasting power (i.e. Eddie Murphy, Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell and the list goes on and on) - but the next comedic gem has to be Andy Samberg. I love this guy. As I've said many many times before, I'm not gay, but I'd have sex with this man if he asked. He wouldn't even have to call the next day. (Of course, I'd like to be the pitcher, so I'd probably send a polite text message the next day.)

If you haven't seen some of the music videos/parodies from his comedy troupe Lonely Island, you are missing out. I've embedded the videos below, which include Dick in a Box, Jizz in My Pants, I'm on a Boat, and the newly released Like a Boss.









As a Bay Area product (Berkeley High), I gotta give the hometown kid some support. It's obvious his videos don't have enough attention on YouTube, so I really don't want to see him out of a job. What makes Samberg more impressive is that he mixes comedic timing with simple, yet lyrical genius. The production value and beats of some of his videos could stand alone without humor and still gain a following.

Versatility is the mark of a comedian with lasting power - that's why comedians that played off a certain, single type of humor (Katan, Shannon, Tim Meadows) were bound to be replaced and forgotten before long. Don't get me wrong, I love those three, but I wouldn't plop down money at a theatre to see their schtick movie after movie.

Some of the best, lasting comics have been musically-inclined to boot: Eddie Murphy, Adam Sandler, Jack Black, and you'll see Samberg up there before long. Recently, he was in Paul Rudd and Jason Segal's I Love You, Man. He played the gay brother of Paul Rudd. That's all I gotta say.

OK, I lied. I have more to say. This guy's 30 - just like me. Doing what he loves. So is Kobe Bryant and he's 30 too..... but I hate Kobe Bryant. Anyway, when Kobe retires and Samberg starts doing dramas, then I'll know I'm old. Until then, 30 is the new 20, right? Or is that just what old people say to make themselves feel better?

While I'm personally going through a lot of introspection now, I know for sure that I have never stopped adding layers and complexities to my persona. I admire folks who stick to a craft, enjoy themselves, and succeed. At the very least, we need to challenge ourselves and have an amazing time doing it, which I think is the real success. As I still wait patiently for those in Hollywood to get around to reading my screenplay (I've got a perfect part for Samberg), I've already decided that this is only just the beginning. I've got more in store, because it was fun to do.

I love laughter. I love passion. I love Samberg. And I love sex. So go out in the world, get some, and be the boss - just like Samberg.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

The Circle of Love

I'm BACK!!!! Now that my screenplay is in the hands of someone who can make stuff happen in Hollywood, I don't really have much to do in the evenings and weekends anymore. I can now write profusely about my life and dizzying collection of nonsensical thoughts that will have you demanding your time back.

First of all, this is a banner year in the love department: 6 people I know are getting married, including 2 ex-girlfriends, 5 friends are proposing, while 2 are getting divorced. It's the circle of love. As for me? I'm still the SVB, but would happily trade that in for the right woman. Either that or I'm going to be like Fonzie- hitting on women until I'm 50. And you know what happened to Fonzie, right? His show got canceled, because no one wants to see a 50 year old guy hitting on chicks. (I stole those lines from The Wedding Singer!) All I really want is for someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me, everything is going to be ok.

There's a strong likelihood that I will be a home-owner in the next week in the Man Jose area of California and that is in no way depressing. I've wanted to be a home-owner for a long time, but quickly lost all desire upon moving back to Cupertino 3 years ago. The good news is rather than being just a mile away from my parents, I would now be half a mile away! I'm sure I can expect more frequent calls from my mother as to why I didn't return her call from 10 minutes ago.

Finally, the last thought that has been tormenting me lately is, why the heck are sani-wraps so ill-equipped for the toilet seats they're supposed to cover? For such a technologically-advanced country, we can't get something like a plastic cover shaped correctly? It's like a starter kit for the toilet seat that only covers the areas where your cheeks don't sit. This gross inequality came to my attention in South America where I used the best sani-wraps in my lifetime. They cover like the entire seat, with only a slim, heart-shaped opening in the center. The heart shape makes you feel all good inside and you sit down with a smile! If I ever choose another venture besides journalism, PR, or screenwriting, I'm going with toilet seat sanitation wrap designer. Those jerks at Kimberly-Clark need a real wake-up call.

Sincerely,
Kevin
The Silicon Valley Bachelor