South American Overkill: Announcing My Retirement from Partying

That's it. I'm done partying, folks. I'd like to announce my retirement from 'balls to the wall' partying. There is only so much my body and leftover brain cells can take. Instead, I'd like to now transition into classy, sophisticated partying - more evening cocktails in long-stemmed glassware, and wine and cheese parties, where we laugh politely at each other's cliched jokes. No more of this 9 or 10 drink nights where you see 1/3 of a bottle of hard liquor left and you think to yourself, "better finish it up, lest it goes bad by morning!" What? You guys don't do that? No more waking up next to some dude.... err, chick (hot ones of course) and hating yourself for being so irresistible.

Well, enough of me announcing my retirement. Boo-freakin-hoo. So what I got drunk 15 or 17 nights and now I feel like there's nothing left to accomplish? It's time to move onto other pursuits - like Jordan did when he retired and attempted baseball. I am going to try basket-weaving and maybe collect stickers like I did when I was a kid. Anyway, thank you all for asking me to write about my exploits in Argentina and Brazil on SVB. I'm sorry, I'm just not funny anymore. I'm retired.

I'll write expanded summaries over the next week, but here are the highlights, thoughts, and funny moments from my excursion:

- At one point I wanted to take the bus somewhere and my travel mate, Chris, says: "Buses are for poor people. Now let's go get a taxi." I laughed profusely at this and quoted it often on my trip.

- Canadians speak really good English.

- I made Chris listen to country music when we pre-partied before going out. One time James Blunt came on, and I happily sang "you're beautiful....." with my glass of Fernet and Coke. I think Chris really enjoyed this.

- My sheets in our apartment in Buenos Aires had this huge rainbow. The pillows had their own rainbows. I am not gay..... but I'd wake up bi-curious.

- Sometimes I would walk around and think 'people must think I'm a movie star.' Other times, I think they just wanted to mug me.

- I punched an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day - first fight I've been in since losing to Stephanie Smith in 5th grade. I'm ready for that rematch, Stephanie! I ain't a kid no more!!!!

- There is no March Madness in Brazil.

- People like to make out heavily at clubs - gays and straights. I don't know about you, but I love hot guy-on-guy action.

- Ronaldo is fat. He stands around and if he has no chance, which is often, he doesn't even try.

- Brazilians have really nice butts. The girls aren't bad either.

- I've made 4 semi-gay remarks in this blog post. I am not gay - I swear.

- Nobody in Argentina needs a boob job.

- Women in South America wear so much less makeup than women in the U.S. - it's refreshing, which also means there won't be a "surprise" moment after that morning shower.

- There is no need for shots when the clubs don't close.

- I once pulled out my Enrique spanish words as pick-up lines: "Te Quiero, amor mi o, bailamos! Let the rhythm take you over, bailamos...." I ran over the english words quickly and heavily-accented in hopes she wouldn't notice.

Welp, that's my trip in a nutshell. I will break down each city (Buenos Aires, Rio De Janeiro, and Sao Paulo) in future posts so that a traveler might actually find some of the information useful.

Peace out, dogs!

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Sleepless Nights in Latin America

On the 10th day there was an epic battle between my mind, body, and soul. My mind and body were ganging up on my soul in an attempt to get me to stop drinking. My soul won. On the 11th day, my mind and body punished me severely. I woke up in hot sweat yesterday and it had nothing to do with that reoccuring Fabio dream of mine. I was coughing profusely and bleeding out of my nose, but then I thought, 'oh, the coughing will be good - it'll help my abs look better when I go to the beach!'

See! Silver lining in everything!

I'm a little sad today, my partner in crime left to go back to the states, so I'll be going 'balls to the wall' by myself. But I have to tell you, you can talk to any tourist and they'll be your friend for the duration. We met some really cool Canadian gals, partied with some American dudes a few nights ago, kicked it with some Swedes and Nordes last night, and tonight I will maybe talk to a Brazilian!!!! I sure hope not - they scare me.

I have to say, my Spanish is excellent now. I prefer to use it even in Brazil, where the language is Portuguese and they understand English better. I just say everything in Spanish - it's fun. I'm like Baxter, a miniature Buddha, covered in hair. Now I'm going to eat a whole wheel of cheese.

I'm going to go home and nap now for 5 hours, wake up by midnight, and party until the morning. I like how one night I came home drunk and attempted to read my Gabriel Garcia Marquez book at 6am. I could barely make out the words before finally putting the book down. I then laughed at how ridiculous I was and continued to laugh myself to sleep. I enjoy my own company. A lot. Lot. Lot. Lot. Lot. Friendship is way overrated.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Brazilian gals like to wear G-Strings to the beach, no matter what size they are. This is not a good thing.

The Emancipation of MeMe

Well, off to embark on the annual exploration of new cultures, customs, beaches, women, alcohol, and depending on how much alcohol, maybe some transvestites too. This year, I'll be off to see Argentina and Brazil, but I'll also be out to push my limits just a little further.

Lately, I've been in a rut. 3 years I've spent in Cupertino now. My life is routine and that doesn't sit well with me. There was a time when all I wanted was to own a home, get married, have kids, and be ridiculously good-looking. Now I must settle for just 1 of 4. My parents are pushing hard for me to buy a house, but I think I would kill myself if I had to live in the South Bay forever.

I actually thought I had figured myself out at 28, but turns out I was wrong. I'm confused about what I want. That's not a bad thing - I've always tried to grow my mind by taking on new challenges and experimenting outside of my comfort zone. I'd actually prefer not to have a comfort zone - it's what keeps you from seizing what is new and untested.

At 30, I've experienced a lot and seen a lot. I've seen a lot of death and I am at peace with it. That doesn't mean I'm not afraid of it, nor does it mean I embrace it, but it is a reality that I've always been keenly aware of. I don't know what this means.

Damn this screenplay for turning my life inside out. It has truly been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life and a breathtaking challenge. I don't know if it's the cause or the cure of my current woes, or whether I even have woes to begin with. All I know is that I'll sit and enjoy the company of many strangers on this trip and learn about their customs and traditions and be filled with the energy of their lives.....

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Who knows? Maybe I'll learn a thing or two about myself along the way.

What a Cool Bachelor Does in His Spare Time

I'll admit it - I'm tired of writing posts to entertain you. Sure, I see the precipitous drop in traffic lately as I focus on myself. And you know what? It really bothers my ego. So what that I'm not writing as many posts as I used to? Go back and read my same posts over and over again, laughing yourself to sleep. Why not? I do it.

Over on the right hand side of this blog are some of my favorites. I drink wine and read them on Friday and Saturday nights. Then I commend myself for a job well done! I turn off the lights, put on a little Willie Nelson, and turn the thermostat up so I can wear as little amount of clothing as possible - the rest of what I do is available on my web cam for as little as $9.95 a year. I know, it's cheap. It's a tough economy, my friends. President Obama's speech really inspired me to give back to the greater good.

In related news, I sold you all out! I put advertisements on my blog! And one company (not naming any names), paid me to put a link on my site (can you find it?). Who woulda thought that I could make money on this meaningless jibberish? I am going to take that $5 a year and move to Tahiti. But I promise I will not sell you out any further. The integrity of my audience is important to me. That's why if you help me transfer $12 million dollars from South Africa to the U.S., I will pay you $1 million. You see, brother dignitary, I recently came into a large inheritance that is stuck in legal wranglings. It is my wish to donate the remaining $11 million to fight polio and research the common cold. Email me your bank account info and I will make you the beneficiary to withdraw my money. I have never met you, but I trust you with this $12 million dollars.

Finally, the reason behind my lack of postings.... my screenplay is at the finish line. The third draft is almost done, but I still have like 20 pages to trim. It's sad. It's like trying to figure out what limb to cut off. Which finger is least important? I'd go with the ring finger. I'd probably also cut off my middle toe, my left ear, both kneecaps, and if need be, my left arm. See how hard it is?!?! I killed a character yesterday! KILLED!!!! These are characters and scenes I've nurtured and developed. I've grown to love them. AND NOW I'M KILLING THEM!!!!!

INT. CUPERTINO HOUSE - NIGHT

Rain falls angry against the windowsill. KEVIN LEU, 30, rugged, handsome, devastatingly charming, works tirelessly to complete his life's work. He sits with a glass of wine fit for a hobo, wearing nothing but a pair of silk boxers. His muscles are defined even as he sits hunched over the computer screen. He talks to his split personality.

KEVIN LEU

Daaammmnnn! I am good. Who taught me to write this way?

KEVIN

No one. You are God.

KEVIN LEU

Oh, stop it. Silly....

KEVIN
No, I'm serious. You constantly amaze me.

KEVIN LEU

You're too kind.

KEVIN

Thank goodness we choose to have no friends. No one can keep up with such dizzying intellectual conversation.

KEVIN LEU

This is true.

KEVIN

I like having you all to myself.

KEVIN LEU

What are you waiting for? Let's do this!

Wild sex scene.

The End

Roll Credits

Written by Kevin Leu