A Bachelor's Favorite Movie Quotes

I like movies. I like it a lot! I love the fact that no matter what is going on in your world, you can lose yourself in a movie theatre and forget about your woes for a couple of hours. That's magic.... like specially baked brownies.

As many of you may well know, I'm working on a screenplay. Hopefully, one day one of my quotes will fill the halls of fraternity hallways, whore houses, kindergarten playgrounds, and drunken schpeel everywhere!

For now, here are some of my favorite movie quotes (answers below):

A. "A lot of people go to college for 7 years."

B. "Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogly was?"

C. "Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means "a whale's vagina."

D. "I'm so cold!"

E. "I am job.... I am job."

F. "I hear my mom coming, I gotta go."

G. "Maaaaaaa.... MEATLOAF.... NOWWWWWW!"

Okay, that's all I can think of now. My brain hurts. I'll add more in the comments section when I darn well feel like it!!!

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Answers: A. Tommy Callahan - Tommy Boy, B. Derek Zoolander - Zoolander, C. Ron Burgundy - Anchorman, D. Rose - Titanic, E. Mrs. Doubtfire - Mrs. Doubtfire, F. Ray - Jerry Maguire, G. Chaz Rienhold - Wedding Crashers

Things You'll Find in a Bachelor's Refrigerator

Check out my friend Kayoko's blog at http://www.umamimart.com/. This blog post I wrote will be featured on her "Fridgin Out" section tomorrow:

I'm not sure what the protocol or style of this "Fridgin Out" section is supposed to be like..... buuuutttt..... I'm gonna go with my gut on this one. Saddle up, partner!

My friend, Kayoko, has been asking me to write a food blog for quite sometime. She's a traffic-driving genius, as you may well know. I also am not sure if I've actually heard her voice in like 11 years, but this Saturday we're hangin out! Yayers! We're going to go to a Lunar Banquet and eat Peking Duck until we smell like duck for the next 3 days!

Anyway, here's a picture of my fridge. It keeps things cold. You can put six packs of be... soda in here... (who can guess what movie?!?!).

Here are my fridge doors open. I never do this because I know I will be disappointed with the options.


Much more interesting are the trash cans next to the fridge, but we'll get around to that. Let's start with the freezer, because I don't want to move all these pictures around. This is a picture of part of my sister's wedding cake. The wedding was in August 08. I think I was supposed to bring it to the wedding. Now I'll just keep it here until my wedding.... oh, probably in like August of 2012. Yum! Can't wait!

This is a bottle of Tequila. I only get handles.... well, most of the time. They're the best bargains, plus I have lots of space in my freezer. I normally have a handle of vodka in there too, but I drink it so quickly. I wish they made Popov's Vodka by the Keg-full! I'd move out all those annoying drawers and shelves in my fridge.

That's a 3 year old pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, behind my economy size tequila I use to drink out of when I'm showering. I'd pull out the ice cream and show it to you, but I don't like going back that far in my freezer. It's cold and I have dry knuckles. Thus, it sits.

Let's move onto the lower 48 (thanks S. Palin!), where I house all my goodies. This is the door. It is squeaky proof.

I don't drink sodas, but my Dad gave me a whole bunch. I think he stole them from somewhere. I'm glad they're Pepsi, because I like going with the underdog. Burger King, Circuit City, Burt and Loni, Mia and Woody.... you name it! We're going to be together forever!

I tried to make a chocolate martini once, I bought the dark Creme De Cacao. It was supposed to be the lighter colored one. Fellas, you should invest in the lighter colored one and mix it with vodka. Women love it and it's stronger than a mofo - heh, heh, heh....... Did I do enough "heh, heh's" to get the point across? If not, heh, heh, heh, heh.......

Miracle whip! Ain't nothin wrong with that!

Uh-oh. It expires today! Schnikes! I'm ALWAYS too ambitious when it comes to Miracle Whip.

Oyster sauce is yummy. I wish I knew what to do with it. I brought it from my mom's and used it once.

Country Crock was on sale or else I would've gone with the "I can't believe it's not butter." Fabio was amazing in those commercials..... and a real dreamboat.

I use that Country Crock to make grilled ham and cheese! It's yummy. Although sometimes it gives me the runs.

These are my two bottles of Margarita Mix that I have leftover from my Superbowl party from last year. They've been in there for a long time.

I can't find an expiration date, yet I'm still afraid to drink it. I figure I'll offer it to guests when they come over.

Here's my bread. I buy whole wheat. 100% that is. No kidding around for me. I don't go with those 97% wheat bread mixes - you never know what that last 3% could consist of: ground up chicken guts, tire shavings from the freeway, cardboard boxes, soylent green..... who knows? I just don't want to chance it.

This sucks. The bread expired 23 days ago. Shoot! I will leave it in the fridge in case I'm really drunk one night and decide to chance it.

Here's one beer hidden in the back of my fridge. I leave it back there so that if I ever feel like a beer, I can rummage around my fridge and then find it in the back. It will be that much better because I had to dig for that last beer waayyyyy in the back............. I am often bored.

I like milk. I like it a lOt. Sometimes I want to use it on cereal, but I never get up before noon. My cereal box is even older than my ice cream.

This saddens me as well. It is 19 days overdue. I am going to put it back in the fridge, because I don't want to take the chance of smelling it when I pour it out. I have to get myself ready for something like that. I'll wait until next week.

Well, that's the lower 48. Here are the coupons on my fridge - they're probably expired too - and some cute kids, and friends I don't care for, and the happy holiday picture from my college roommate.

Time to move onto the good stuff! Remember that trash can I was telling you about? I spend more time there than opening the fridge.

BaJa Fresh. Remember in the Sopranos when he calls it BaJa with a hard J? Oh, that was funny. Hmmm, there's still chips in here. I'm going to eat them.

El Pollo Loco. That means Chicken Crazy! I like my Mexican food. Hmmm, there's still salsa in this bag. I will use it for the chips in the BaJa Fresh bag! Great success!

Ohhh, what can you say about Chipotle? It is heaven on earth massage parlor for me. I try to save two bites at the end of each burrito so I can eat it before I go to bed.

I know what you're thinking. That's like every Mexican fast food place that exists!!! What's next? Taco Bell?! Del Taco?! La Salsa!?!? No, no, no.... that's next week.

See! I can represent America too! 5. 5. 5 dollar footloong.... I go with the meatball. Ummm, that's a good meatball.

Finally, to seal the deal amongst any cautious female, I bust out my frozen rose. I, too, have a sensitive side. As they're pondering this interesting development, I ask for it back and throw it in the freezer. I then take a shot of tequila, unbutton my top two buttons.... unbutton my jeans, make sure that my gold cross chain is facing the right direction, and make my way back into the living room for a little sensual seduction....

The next pictures of me and my blow-up doll, Molly, are for my eyes only..... The SVB doesn't kiss and tell..... Molly's kinky, but she would have my neck for it.

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Valentine's Day Weekend in Vegas: A Remembrance

There's a big difference between partying in Vegas in your 20s and partying in your 30s. Mainly, I remember things. What a bummer. I can totally handle my alcohol now and that SUCKS! For instance, here's a list of things I remember, but wish I hadn't:

• I remember vomiting in my mouth just a little.
• I remember the $16 drinks.
• I remember the feeling of my legs being tired from dancing.
• I remember thinking, "man, I hope this club closes soon so I can go home and sleep."
• I remember how women just weren't that good looking.
• And I remember hanging on a ledge from my hotel window.

Oh how sad. I long for the days when it was all just a blur and I'd wake up naked next to a fat girl, a hairy man, and a stuffed pink elephant. Well.... times change - just like the hotspots of Vegas. Everything there has a limited shelf life, so take my review of Tao Nightclub and XS with a grain of salt. Chances are, if you come across this post in 2 months, this assessment will no longer matter much. Since the subject will be irrelevant, I'll try and be somewhat entertaining in my review.

First of all, I have to send out my sincerest gratitute towards Maggie Feldman for "hookin it up" at Tao Nightclub at the Venetian. No pretension, no line, no hassle - a rarity in Vegas. It definitely gave me a newfound level of respect from my friends - some of whom even bothered to remember my name that evening! It's Kevin, btw.

- Friend: "Hey man, that was awesome. What did you say your name was?"

- Me: "Umm, Kevin..... we were college roommates."

- Friend: "Oh..... yeah. I totally remember that. Alright, John, talk to you later!"

- Me: (yelling out to already walking away friend) "I gained like 3 pounds since then - it's throwing everyone off. I'll see you back at the room!"

While Tao was aesthetically and architecturally beautiful, the clientele was subpar, at best. I think this might have something to do with hot girls probably having boyfriends or guys clamoring to take them out on a romantic Valentine's Day dinner and evening. What I don't understand is why a woman wouldn't want to trade that in for a hot one night stand at a Vegas nightclub? Women!!! I just don't get them.

Well, anyway, the setup was done in an Asian fusion style - which is all the rage right now. The best part of the evening was the two women who had rose petals covering up their nipples as they danced sensually with each other in the bathtub located in the middle of the club. After about 2 hours of nonstop watching, I turned to see what else was going on in the club.

After about 20 seconds, I turned back to the bathtub dancing ladies and proceeded to watch until 5am. I stood as close to the velvet ropes as possible. I think one of them made eye contact with me. It was a successful night.

The next night we went to XS at Encore - the new tower of the Wynn Casino. XS just opened on New Year's and I have to say it was BEAUTIFUL. I was reading that it was one of the most expensive nightclubs ever built. At $100 million, I don't know what that buys you in nightclub dollars, but it'd only be like 10 drinks sold before you've recouped your money. The drinks were an outlandish $16, but it only hurts because I don't normally remember stuff like that. The pool that the club opened out to was also BEAUTIFUL. I was in awe. I liked the open, clean, bright set-up. It was fresh and vibrant. And I was old and stale.

The clientele was a definite upgrade, but still lacking from most weekends I've been in Vegas. Maybe most people work on President's Day, but not college students. If you ever want to meet college chicks, go to Vegas on a 3 day weekend when most people have to work. Me!?!? I don't like college girls: young, freaky, vibrant, dresses made from a handkerchief, promiscuous following one Alabama Slammer, no questions...... What a buzzkill.

I had to follow-up such a horrendous night at The Palm's where McDonald's is located. I ate one Big Mac and one Quarter Pounder with cheese. It was goooooood. But it came up a little bit when I was gagging later on that night. That was not as gooooood.

In summary, go to McDonald's early to avoid the lines.... and don't forget to wear rose petals over your nipples. Tell em, Kevin sent you.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Rest in peace my favorite clubs of yesteryear: Rum Jungle, Rain, Body English, Pure....

Man Jose - It's Official

As if we needed any confirmation, it's official - San Jose officially equals Man Jose. The Census Bureau recently released it's numbers showing that there are 117 men for every 100 women in San Jose amongst the ages of 20 to 44 years old (thanks NBC Bay Area). The first thing that struck me was that the number didn't sound right. Now my math is the equivalent of a low level 5th grader, but if there were only 17 more males than females I'd be a happy camper.

Sure, there may be only 17 more, but I would say with all seriousness, that for every 100 guys that go out in San Jose, only 25 girls are doing the same. Of those 25 girls, 2 are probably good looking. The rest are made up of divorcees with 3 kids, fanatical fast-food lovers that don't work out and think they're J-Lo, unemployed, undocumented immigrants, and 17 year olds with fake ids.

To give you context, the U.S. ratio is 97 males to 100 females. Take a look at the chart below (I do my research when it comes to serious matters like these) - the more green it is, the more men there are:

Now I like my green in the form of money, trees, grass, and Kool-Aid, but Men is where I draw the line! For you women, that doesn't necessarily mean good news for you. Remember, this is Silicon Valley, home of the engineers, programmers, and undocumented aliens..... at the very least, you'll find a very hard worker, but quite possibly a socially inept one. If they would only build a marketing or PR firm out here - then we could even this ratio out. Those places are like gold mines!

FYI: It doesn't get any better on the outskirts of Man Jose. Mountain View has 125 males to 100 females! I blame this on Google... Hire some more females for Pete's sake! If you truly want your employees to be happy, free food, oil changes, haircuts, workout facilities, stock options, and transportation will only cut it for so long. Who wants that stuff anyway? You have a civic duty to your community or else I will boycott one of your products! Well, not gmail... I like that one. Google maps is pretty good too. And well, I'm using Blogger right now. And that search engine is money.... Hmmm.... well, I will hold my breath for 15 seconds! And if I ever meet your employees, like Charlotte, I will tell them: "I curse the day you were born!"

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Thanks Annmarie, for sending me this news tip!

Things I've Gotten For Free with My Mouth.. and a Little Charm!

We all enjoy getting the occasional hook up and "hooking up," but it all starts with the gift of gab. That, to go along with my looks, makes me an impressive 0 for 2, but.... I have my moments. Most of the time when they happen I've drunken copious amounts of alcohol and don't remember half the night, so I can't take full credit, but I have some nice little scores....

First of all, pulling the "reporter" card back in the day was like shooting fish in a barrel. Now that I'm no longer on television, believe it or not, this lame-duck blog is still getting me a taste of the high-life! Today, I pulled off a front of the line score at Tao Nightclub for this weekend in Vegas, thus triggering this recollection of self-aggrandizing moments. You can take notes if you want to:

1. VIP Treatment at Tao Nightclub - We might as well start with this one. This is my oldest trick in the book and it's worked countless times in Vegas. You can do this many different ways, but the more humble you are, the more successful you can be. In the past, if I hadn't called ahead of time, than I would just tell the bouncer in line: "Hey Bro, it's cool if you can't - I totally understand, but I'm a journalist visiting from out of town (casually flash the press pass). I'll still pay, but I'd love just skip this line. It's just me and my friends."

9.9 out of 10 times, we roll right in. On that .1 time? You get a look from the bouncer of unwavering un-amusement and a flat, "so!?!" That's when you quickly walk away to hide the tears forming around your embarrassed, reddened face.

2. Usher's Super Bowl Party in Detroit - While I was a reporter in Columbus, I pulled this one out of my butt by calling ahead to the event that was roughly $200 a head to get in. Gave the same line about being a reporter, (I'm careful to make no mention that I'm actually doing a story) and voila! Me and 2,000 of Usher's closest friends mixing it up. There were actually 5 velvet ropes to get past to get to the final area of Usher's entourage. I made it past 4 of them and about 20 feet from Usher before giving up and yelling out: "Hey Ursher, you got the voice to make my booty go *smack (clap hands here)." As the bouncers had me by each one of my limbs carrying me out, I thought to myself, "that Ursher sure is a lot dreamier in person. Yeah!"

3. Two Speeding Tickets and One Driving Too Slow Ticket - Yes, yes, I know that last ticket sounds silly, but I was going like 15 miles an hour on a 55mph lane. It was late and I had dramatically killed a family of possums. I can still see their sweet little eyes. Two big possums, followed by 3 small little ones walking in a line across the road. It was disturbing, so I quickly pulled up my pants with one hand on the wheel (What? I like to drive with my pants down), and then pulled over for the officer who proceeded to ask me about that hot female anchor I work with.

4. A Bottle of Han Vodka - This Asian "silky smooth, rice-infused" vodka is seriously the bomb! I was at a dressy event where they were giving away free cocktails made from Han Vodka. Needless to say, I spent the whole night two feet from the Han table. Even if it hadn't been free, it was the smoothest, best after-tasting vodka I have EVER had. And I've had a lot of the best.... Popov's, Safeway Select, Wal-Mart White Label - you name it. After 18 straight shots, I slurred to the distributor/pourer that I was going to write a blog post on this vodka, which he then, surprisingly, handed me an ENTIRE bottle to take home. I then told him that I wanted to marry him and I would not take "no" for an answer. 33 "no's" later, I walked around proudly schmoozing with people, reeking of vodka, holding a bottle of vodka in my hand.

5. An Adjustment in Cost From a Tailor in Thailand! - Okay. Paid for two awesome custom-made suits in Thailand and was told they would cost $550. Of course, there, they have to charge in baht, which is their currency, but they pitch it in American dollars - I then get back and find my credit card bill to be about $70 more. I email them and they say they can't do anything, it's my credit card company's exchange rate. As a last-ditch effort, I write them an email back and tell them I write this blog and that all 3 of my readers will boycott Thailand and your little suit-making operation. Instantaneously the tone changes in the response and the apology is to my snobbish liking..... and of course my account is credited.

6. A lifetime of 3s and 4s - This is where I need no introduction. No occupations. No brain cells. 20/200 vision. Just me and the 10 before my eyes. Have you ever seen Shallow Hal? Where Jack Black sees every unnattractive girl as smoking hot when they're not? I'm Hal at the bar at about, say.... 2am..... okay, okay, who am I kidding? 11pm.

Well there you go! If you need more info on how to accomplish these feats, we can meet up and you can buy me a drink or introduce me to a single (preferably female) Chipotle employee. That would be the ultimate hook up! Just think: if I can accomplish all this, you too can write a blog and live like a Playboy King!

Good luck,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. That's the infamous Margaret commenter at the top. She's never given me anything for free.

Smell Like a Woman's Vagina Today!

My coworker showed me this site today, (female coworker I might add) that bottles up the smell of a woman's vagina. You have to check out the site, it's so classy, it's like you're buying a rolex or something. I wonder which woman's vagina they bottled up, because let's just say, it can be hit or miss!

The perfume, or odeur, or whatever they're calling it, is called Vulva.

On another note, they should bottle up the odor of a man and call it, Repulsion. Mix a little bit of ball sweat, underarm odor, and make sure that they use a guy who's been having a little bit of cinnamon in his coffee (thanks Menendez Brothers) for the final touch and voila!

On the website for Repulsion, I will put two bottles next to my naked body in well-placed areas.... covering my nipples.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

To All the Girls I've Loved Before....

....who've traveled in and out, my door. I dedicate this... post to you. My sister and I had a hearty laugh this weekend as we watched Julio Iglesias and Willie Nelson's duet of "To All The Girls I've Loved Before." Or as Julio (Enrique's dad) would say it, "To all de guhls I've loved befow." The real kicker is Julio's artistic hand movements, which are like poetry in motion! How could a girl NOT melt after watching his hands aflutter?

The reason we watched this video, (several times to be exact) was to introduce my mother to the wonders of YouTube. Now that she's mastered email, I thought it was time to move on. Fortunately for me, our bonding took place watching the videos of her youth, which featured Rod Stewart, Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton (Islands in the Stream - Classic btw), Tina Turner, Elvis, and The Beatles amongst others. But by far, my mom's favorite was Julio and Willie.


I love the song, but it's funny when you watch the video. Take a look at Willie's outfit compared to Julio's tuxedo and don't forget to notice the unnecessary stomach pat that Julio gives to Willie, mid-song! I also liked how they sang into each other's eyes - so touching.



On another personal note, Heroes is on tonight! Sometimes I feel like Gabriel Sylar sucking everyone's unique powers from them. That's how I feel with all the girls I've loved before. No, seriously. I have learned a tremendous amount from the women I have dated and have always relished dating women with diverse interests. After I've sucked them dry of their interests and perspectives I move on - much like Gabriel Sylar. Me and him should be together.... eating popsicles and McRibs with one armed draped over each other's shoulders.

In conclusion, the good thing for the women I've loved before is that they've moved onto much better things. I watched Shopgirl this weekend with Claire Danes and Steve Martin (don't ask, it was on TV), and the last line was particularly poignant for my life:

"How is it possible - he thinks - to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance... so that when she was gone, he would not miss her. Only then did he realise how wanting part of her... and not all of her... had hurt them both... and how he cannot justify his actions, except that... well... it was life."

For anyone I may have hurt in the past, I wish you the best in pursuits that life has to offer. If it makes a difference, I apologize for my conflictions.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor