Top 10 Things to Eat and Do in Silicon Valley that May Kill You

So my buddy, Wes, just sent me this list from 7x7 called, The Big Eat SF: 100 Things to Try Before You Die. First of all, he was sad that he had only tried 17 items on the list. Second of all, it's the most pretentious little list in the world. (For the record, I have only tried two.) Here is a common man's list of 10 in Silicon Valley:

1. Barbacoa Burrito at Chipotle
2. Boss Burger at Foster's Freeze (I worked here for like 10 years, it's bomb - trust me)
3. Beef Noodle Soup at A&J
4. Chicken Cordon Bleu at Arby's (in case you want to impress your date with some French)
5. McRib Sandwich at McDonald's (boneless!)
6. Taco Delight at Taco Bravo
7. Italian Chicken Sandwich at Burger King (order to go and eat with a box of red wine - nothing quite like it)
8. Bruschetta Chicken Ciabatta at Jack in a Box (box of white wine here)
9. Pho at Pho Little Saigon (I'm sure it's not the best, but as you can tell by this list, my taste buds are not that discriminating)
10. Super Gyro at Yiassoo (I love feta cheese! Just not with any kind of vegetables!)

Now for the top 10 places to use the bathroom following a meal..... Just kidding (but not really). You can email me for that list.

Ok, now for the Top 10 Things To Do in Silicon Valley (that may cause you to put a gun to your head). Notice that I did not say fun or even amusing:

1. Santana Row! - The cure-all for all of Silicon Valley's ails. It's where I take everyone to show them that San Jose has culture and aesthetic beauty. BUT, I make sure they have 3 shots in them so that their vision is a little impaired and their reasoning skills are off.

2. The Parking Lot at Santana Row - This is where I will pre-drink so that I don't have to pay $10 a drink to get my buzz on looking at a 3 or a 4 (see Rule of 13). The drinking helps to bump them up to a 5 or a 6.

3. Winchester Mystery House perfectly situated right across from none other than... Santana Row! - I have actually never done the Winchester Mystery House, home of the late widower of the maker of the Winchester rifle. You will find many other locals have also not taken in this wonder of the world. Here's quick summary: lady goes crazy, keeps building onto her house, doors that lead nowhere, rooms that don't make sense. Sounds like it would be worth $31 doesn't it?

4. Paramount's Great America - This place was fun for me when I was 12. I would have my mom drop me off and then I'd stare fools down. (Don't forget, these were the dangerous times of gangster rap in Silicon Valley). If that didn't work, it was on to the stiff-shoulder-I-refuse-to-move-out-of-the-way-of-this-straight-line-path. But of course, I would only do this to 8 year olds.

5. Raging Waters - My friend, Seth, once got season passes at the age of 27. I went with him a few times along with some other late 20-somethingers. We would wait in line behind 10 year old kids. Parents looked at us oddly as we sprinted down the sidewalk to get back in line.

6. Castle Rock State Park - Sometimes they say, 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone' - that's not the case with Silicon Valley, I've left before. If it weren't for my family and job, I'd never come back. Well.... with that said, Castle Rock is actually up the Santa Cruz Mountains, but you can see all of Silicon Valley from this huge rock. I only went illegally at night, but it's awesome and kind of scary. If you go at night, just make a left at hwy 35 and look for some other shady cars parked along the road. You'll have to hike like a mile though.

7. Watch TV at Home - This is where you watch programming where people are living and doing thing in places FAR more interesting than Silicon Valley. If you squint just enough, you can pretend it's you on that screen. I like to do this with Anthony Bourdain and with 3 Sheets.

8. Listen to the Radio - Just start flipping the stations and see if you can guess the song that comes on. Drink every time you get the song right!

9. Cruise Facebook - Much like watching TV, this is where you look at everyone's pictures to see what a great time they had the previous weekend while you were at Great America. When you get bored, start searching for hot members of the opposite sex and wish that their profile was open so that you could see more than just their profile pic.

10. Sleep - This is my favorite activity in Silicon Valley. I do it a lot. The more you sleep, the less you're awake!

For a list of the bars and nightspots to hit up, check out my previous post on where to go in what area. But once again, I highly recommend sleeping.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Turn Your Head and Cough: Undressing For a Man

It's always a peculiar situation when you get naked in front of a man (not that I do it that often - I swear). Well... I went in for my physical the other day, (now that I'm 30, might as well do these old -man-type things), and I didn't realize that I would have to get naked. So after the nurse tells me to disrobe and leaves the room, I'm in the middle of pulling off my pants and underwear together in one full swoop when the doctor (male) knocks on the door and just enters. As I interupt with, "hold on," I realize how futile that request is, as it is an inevitability that he will see me naked. He ignores the request anyway and walks in as I quickly put on the plastic shorts they give you, knowing that it will not stay on for long.

First of all, there's a huge difference between disrobing for a guy and a girl. With Dr. B (as I'll refer to him), I felt all shy and weird as he talked to me. Almost as if I didn't want to be a part of this "courtship." What does he take me for?!? Some kind of floozy?! He can just shoot the breeze with me and then tell me to drop my pants and I'll do it? I DON'T THINK SO! I disrobe because I feel like it!

So as he's talking to me, and I give short one-word answers, I catch myself thinking: "should I give my 'member' a quick tug so that it gets maximum lengthage?" With girls, the quick 'member' tug is commonly employed, but why the heck are thoughts of impressing this male doctor on my mind? Ultimately, I decide not to sneak in a quick tug, but then as he's holding the stepchildren, I think to myself: "maybe I should've trimmed the hedges." WHAT?!?! Then I start thinking, should I be looking at him or should I look up? I end up looking down at him and then think that normally when there's a head situated there and I'm looking down, something else is going on. I want to laugh at my own internal thought, but I decide to stay mature.

When it was all said and done, I felt much more comfortable with Dr. B as we chatted. It's like that feeling after sex when you can let down your guard because the objective has been achieved. He already saw the best of me, so why not carry on with pillow-talk? At this point, he tells me that he'll see me in a year. WTF!??! I AM a floozy. I try and tell him that it's cool, we can keep things casual, maybe meet up every once in awhile, but he ignores me and tells me essentially that he's just not a "one penis-type-of-guy" and that I have to talk to his assistant to see him again.

Men! Sheesh! I gave that man the best minute of my life. As I swallowed my pride and walked out of the building, I glared at every male patient in the waiting room, thinking: "he'll use you too!"

Oh well, I'm a whore. See you next year!!!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Obama's First Day in Office? Dixie Chicks Back on Country Radio!

One of the most "shameful" things for me as a country music fan is the way the country community treated the Dixie Chicks following their infamous (we're) "ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas." Since that comment in 2003, the hate for the Dixie Chicks spread from Texas and throughout, as they were banished from country radio, fans held CD burning parties, and the group even received death threats. Other country artists even told them to just 'shut up and sing.'

The root of the problem is that Texans are a brash, proud people (I can't speak for the rest of country music fans). So while I am proud that a fellow Texan ascended to the most powerful position in the nation, I am ashamed of the decisions he ultimately made while in office. If only the Dixie Chicks were as eloquent in speech as I was... oh wait, those Chicks did win a few Grammy Awards for songs of the year.

You can imagine my surprise this morning on the way to work when I heard the Dixie Chick's "Not Ready to Make Nice" on one of my country stations - first time in almost 6 years, and it was a welcome feeling that maybe we are ready for change.

Welcome back Chicks, and welcome back America:



Sincerely,
Kevin
Silicon Valley Bachelor

The Reverse Bachelor Party: Welcoming Back a Bachelor After 7 Years

For the past 8 years or so, I've been to my fair share of bachelor parties - the logical transition into your late 20s and (gasp!) early 30s. But for the first time, it is with bittersweet trepidation that I must welcome back a fallen comrade. As the best man in my friend's wedding just a few years back, I want to slap that bee-auch that he married, but apparently the marriage is ending amicably. Now I must turn my attention toward getting my friend some action! Things have changed in the 7 years he's been with his lady-wench, so much so, that my friend (he'll remain anonymous) was alarmed by the preference of texting over actual phone conversations, asking me, "is this how things are these days?" Sadly, yes.

While texting is tedious, it has also become an important aspect of flirting and is arguably the best thing to ever happen for late night "booty calls." No longer do you have to call someone, and awkwardly shoot the breeze at 2:30 am (after Jack in the Box of course), if they pick up, and then transition into "come over, let's watch a movie." Code words for, come over and we'll put the movie in before I make my move, reeking of vodka and Jack in the Box taco sauce. Now you can just send out 20 text messages and see which lucky lady responds for that exhilarating 3 minutes of pleasure!

To help my friend with ending his 7 year drought and to get him some "action," I have compiled a list of changes to be aware of from the peak of his post-21 bachelorhood days in 1999 to 2000, to the "games" of today. I have not thought out ahead of time how many there will be in this list, but for now, we'll call it the "Top __":

- 1. Texting: See above. Rather than call and leave a message on someone's answering machine and hope they call you back, you can now send a late night text that "it was nice meeting you, looking forward to talking some more" later on that night without being creepy or overzealous. If she texts back? Great success! You can move into the late night, "What are you doing?" texts at a later time.

- 2. Facebook Stalking: No longer do you have to question your friends about whether the girl you hooked up with/ or got the digits to was hot. Too often, Mr. Beer Goggles has you thinking you met Rachel McAdams, when really it was more like Pauly Shore with lipstick. Now, you can look at all the best pictures she posted of herself and the ones she allowed her friends to tag her in. I'm fine with Pauly Shore, but if you're into the Rachel McAdams of the world, adding her on Facebook first is a good bet. Get that last name!

- 3. Dancing: No longer do guys come up for the dance-by freakings of gangster rap yesteryear, (or maybe they do, and I just drink too much now to notice it) today, you must engage, smile, exchange light-hearted witty banter, and then proceed to simulate sex on the dance floor. Just like it was back in the day, your odds of scoring go up by a factor of a gazillion IF you dance. Do it. People suck and they are not noticing you anyway. That intimate contact and touching of skins will let you know whether you've got a shot, or you should quickly cut your losses and move on. Remember, you only have 2.5 hours to work with on any given night.

- 4. Style: Now that we no longer live with our parents, it's important that your home have somewhat reasonable style. Back in college and those first years after, decorations consisted of a poster of that Michael Jordan free throw line dunk, a large glass bong on the coffee table, Playboys and Maxims in plain site underneath the glass coffee table, and empty beer cans that would remain in the same spot months at a time. Now, you must show these women that you are a man of class, elegance, and wit; throw a Gabriel Garcia Marquez book on the table, The Notebook DVD cover on the floor in plain view, and an abstract painting that you will never understand on the wall. You'll want to offer her a glass of wine, preferably white (women prefer white), and not those Coors Lights that you used to stock in your fridge next to that one container of mayonaise, a leftover burrito, and that one half-empty bottle of Gatorade.

- 5. Business Cards: Girls cut to the chase these days. They must be fed up with dating those McDonald's employees (I, myself, prefer Chipotle. That would be an awesome hookup!). While it still doesn't happen all that often, every once in awhile a girl will ask you for your business card. It's time to ask your boss for those business cards you never really had an interest in getting - it actually can help you out too. I've had times where I wasn't that interested in a girl and you throw them a card. If they call or email you first? You're golden to break that drought! Or you make crazy, repeated eye contact with a hot girl who is obviously on a date, it's those times where you don't have a window of opportunity that you can pass off a quick business card without getting in trouble.

- 6. Instant Messaging: I guess this can be clumped with texting, but IMing now is so money. First, you kill valuable time at work. Secondly, when you work so much, your mind gets into funny states of delirium. It's at these times that you can exchange witty thoughts with that girl you met last weekend. She is probably welcoming the relief of a few funny message exchanges from her busy day at work. For me, I just get fired up that someone I got the number to has a 9 to 5 job!

OK, it's getting late, I'm tired, and running out of steam. Finally, let me wrap it up this way. Welcome back to bachelorhood. I missed you. When all else fails, just go for Mark Grace's "slump buster" - trust me, 90% of the time, it works everytime!

Or try this line on a woman: "I'm Ron Burgundy?" While she's laughing or confused, grab her behind the neck and try and make out with her.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

A Post About Absolutely Nothing

OK, so it's been a little while since my last post - sorry, sorry. I know many of you turn to me for comedic relief. Reading my poor, pathetic life, somehow makes you feel better - I know. I too like to read my own stuff, laugh, and then wish that it was someone else's life. Alas, it is not. I must live it. That's why I drank a handle of vodka this weekend. I should be dead, but I live.

OK, if you couldn't tell, I have nothing to really write about today. I just know that I have gone 12 days without posting something and this is really hurting my Google Analytics. The "average time on site" by my readers has gone down all the way to 1:26. I'm also down to about 2,500 visitors a month, from a high of over 3,000. I miss those 500 people. If you hadn't noticed, I also put Google "Ads" on my page as a test. I am not allowed to encourage people to click on those ads, but I do get paid if people do :). So far, in like 2 months, I've made like $6. That works out to.... hold on, calculator time.... whoa, it's real dusty.... $36! If I can double that number, I will tell my employer to "shove it" and then invest the money in 72 lottery tickets!

In other news, my screenplay now has had 4 readers whom I trust and value their opinion. Either all of them are idiots, or they really think this screenplay has a shot at getting made. I am getting really excited about its prospects. I hope to finish the 2nd draft over the next few months, send it back to my screenplay professor (a former Hollywood studio script reader), find an agent, and hopefully let the studio bidding begin! Wish me luck. Let me know if you know Tom Cruise or anyone like that.


Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor