Sexual Healing and The Family Guy


I’m sick. It sucks. My eyeballs, eardrums and head hurt, but it wasn’t until I was watching I Want to Be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader 4 that I knew something was really wrong. There was no longer that familiar tingle during all the trying workout and dance scenes that that Darth Vader of a dance instructor puts those poor women through. Not even a quick member tug (so aptly described in my doctor’s office visit here) could jolt my manhood back to life. These are trying times in a man’s life. That tingle is quite important.

For a few days there was pain much greater to worry about, but it’s something that stays with you… lingering. “Will it be like this forever!?!?” “Maybe sex isn’t that important.” “Well, now, maybe I can get to know the true me.” “I always did have a certain fondness towards Martha Stewart.” Alas, my sick libido worries were just temporary.

As I hunkered down for a 3 hour marathon of The Family Guy, who knew that I would get that sexual healing back? Have I ever told you how The Family Guy is THE funniest show I have ever, EVER seen in my life? I was a late convert too. I only started watching it this year. I laugh heartily at least once a show and I normally only chuckle, at best, towards preconceived entertainment. But, I’ve had some of my best experiences going into something with low expectations: prostitution (as a client and a career), child trafficking (also as a client and a career), and guerilla warfare in Sudan (career only). Team America and Kung Fu Hustle were two other low expectation experiences, and I was ROLLING. I highly recommend. Anyhow, back to my loins.


During hour 3 of The Family Guy, Peter brings home Jesus Christ, who just happened to be working at a record store. To prove it to the family, Jesus Christ changes everyone’s dinner to an ice cream sundae. Then Peter whispers into Jesus’ ear for a wish, and Lois’ boobs grow immensely, knocking over her sundae on the table. I had a nice delirious laugh over this. Then I paused for a moment and realized… I’M BACK!

Who knew a cartoon would be my salvation? I don’t know why that fox of a woman would be with such a dim-witted dumbleton of a guy like Peter. He’s so insensitive to her needs. So next time you need a little sexual healing, watch a little Family Guy. If that doesn't work, put on some silk boxers and start doing jumping jacks.


Sincerely,
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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