Signs He Doesn't Want to Be Your Boyfriend
I would like to say that I give fairly good dating advice. To this day, I have no recollection of ever having told someone the true intention of a guy, through his actions, that wasn't true or about to come true. The only problem with giving the destitute and hopeless advice is that they never take it, no matter how much you know what you're talking about. They always insist on learning the hard way.
Let's just say you can't bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. Whatever trick is in the book, I've done it. Ladies, be forwarned: avoid me. I may wow your mothers and charm your socks off, but behind these boyish, innocent good looks lies a Jude Law who will sleep with the paperboy when you're not looking.
So while I am an excellent advice-giver, I'm also an excellent listener who asks many questions. You, of course, want to talk, but not really listen, so I will exhaust every question in the book to give you a sense of peace and then deliver a truly meaningful, catered answered that will fall on deaf ears.
For those deaf ears, here is some reading for your blind eyes. Here are just a few ways you should know that a guy just isn't into you and will probably NEVER be your boyfriend.
1. He never calls before 2am – and when he does, it’s mostly in the form of creative text messages like: “Wut r u doing?”
2. You only hang out Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday.
3. You have never met any of his friends.
4. He says really nasty things to you in the heat of the moment…. like REALLY nasty (but knowing your type, you probably go with it).
5. You have never gone out to a nice dinner with him, much less "Jack in the Box".
6. Conversation is light, loose, and fun, because he really doesn’t care.
7. He says he’s broke… a lot.
8. He constantly forgets if you have a sibling or where you’re from.
9. His phone never rings while he’s with you, but little do you now that it’s on silent to keep his other girls from blowing his cover.
10. He doesn’t return your calls on weekends.
11. He wears a hat and a hoodie if you ever have to go anywhere in public... and he mostly opts to wait in the car.
12. You cuddle and talk and he continues to fondle you so that he can keep himself from falling asleep from boredom.
13. He only compliments you on your looks or sexual practices.
And finally…. this should be a dead giveaway, but some women just don’t get the hint...
14. He always talks about how he loves his freedom and it’s great that you’re so easygoing.
Well ladies, don’t set yourself up for punishment. I know this will not be enough to sway you, because you’ll have a bagful of excuses. Stop me if this sounds familiar:
"But you haven’t seen the way he looks at me..."
"He tells me things that he doesn’t share with other people."
"But we have SOOO much fun together."
"He’s just not ready to settle down yet."
"He has trust issues."
"His last girlfriend cheated on him."
"He had a really difficult childhood."
"Jail was tough on him."
"He’ll find a job one day."
"He lives with his parents."
Alas, I am a good friend. So, I will listen to your stories. I won’t offer solutions, I’ll just nod my head in sympathy and imagine that I am hanging myself from the ceiling fan or I’ll imagine outrageous things I could randomly shout out in a tourettes-like manner.
The Sympathetic Silicon Valley Bachelor