How To Tell If You're a Douchebag

The word 'douchebag' gets thrown around with increasing regularity in our vernacular, particularly under people's breath when I enter a room. Since I'm not shy about my words, let me tell you what a 'douche bag' literally means. Well, it's the thing that females use to clean that female part that is sometimes used for the birds and the bees. (Feel free to quote me in scientific journals.)

In a non-literal way, society uses douchebag to describe a male who might also encompass the characteristics of a jerk, an a*shole, a d*ckhead, or a CEO. Allow me to give you a visual presentation on what a douchebag physically might look like.

You might be a douchebag if you...


... have an Arm Band Tattoo - Somewhere in 1995, this was a novelty, until every aspiring WWE fan decided his biceps were getting to douchebag proportions, thus requiring an arm band tattoo.

You might be a douchebag if you...


... wear an Ed Hardy shirt - TMZ.com once called Christian Audigier, "the designer for the douchebags of the world." Case in point: Jon Gosselin wears them. (Not that I go to TMZ.com or know who Jon Gosselin is... but you deserve better Kate!)

You might be a douchebag if you...


... pop your collar - Something I have NEVER been guilty of....


much.

You might be a douchebag if you...


... wear a wife-beater to the club - And not just any wife-beater, but one that doubles as a brassiere.

You might be a douchebag if you...


... don't smile in pics, preferring to pucker up instead - There are also a number of other things I could point out in this pic, including the fake tans, outrageous hair, opened shirts to reveal a hairless chest (nothing wrong with that), and long dangling chains.

You might be a douchebag if you...


... wear your hat sideways - Notice other signs of doucheyness? (Anyone? Anyone? Bueller, Bueller.... Aforementioned puckered lips. Sheesh!)

You might be a douchebag if you...


... own a raised truck with big wheels - This situation is exacerbated commonly with a pair of brass balls that hang from the bumper, decals of a naked woman and/or a decal of Calvin urinating on something a democrat might like.

You might be a douchebag if you...


... you take a shirtless pic of yourself in the mirror - ... and of course use it as your social network profile picture. I mean, c'mon, and the Kobe Bryant sleeve phone cover? I guess it must be that rapist wit that he has.

And the number one way you can tell if you're a douchebag? You're the Silicon Valley Bachelor.


Those glasses were cool in what? 1985? when Back to the Future came out? Hey, and news flash: You're in a club - it's already dark. And push down that ridiculous hair. What a loser.

Anyway, motherf*cker, there are many other un-visual signs of a douchebag, including the f*ckin overuse of curse words and sh*t like that. Douchebags are also largely homophobic and will liberally throw out words like "gay" and "f*ggot" to describe people and things they don't like.

Don't be an ignorant douchebag. Be an educated, respectable douchebag - like myself.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. For the female version of the douchebag - the douchette - click here to read.

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5 comments :

  1. Well, at least you're an educated, respectable douchebag. Cream of the crop, really!

    http://girl-smileyy.xanga.com/686993136/are-you-a-douchebag/

    ReplyDelete
  2. Nice post! I tried to find your version yesterday, but there's no search box on your blog!

    For the record, Emily Chu gave me the idea for this post. She is an expert on douchebags.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "a douchebag is a hygienic product and so i will take that as a compliment"

    ReplyDelete
  4. well what can I say... takes one to know one

    ReplyDelete
  5. now do juggalos

    ReplyDelete

 
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