What Type of Girl Should I Date? The Many Hats of Love....

In my life, I’ve worn many different hats - literally and metaphorically. Name a style/genre and I’ve probably done it. I did the hat resting over the top of my gelled bangs, sideways baseball cap, French artist hat, trucker hat, and even, my favorite, the ten gallon cowboy hat. What this all means is ....I wanted to get into the pants of many different types of women in my life! (See styles below.)

I got all dressed up for my cousin's graduation in 8th grade.

Freshman year I wanted to show that I was a cultured gangsta.

Ladies love a guy who's great with kids, so junior year I hired these kids off the street...

"Where the heck am I? And why is this medical bracelet on my wrist?"

The fisherman hat gay years.

The 'I'll wear any hat to get in your pants' years.

And.... this look never really took off. I still don't get it....

Country music. A place where Asians feel at home.

As you can probably ascertain from the pictures above - I’m still a virgin. Heck, I couldn’t tell you what a boob felt like unless you believed it felt like a bag of sand. But no really, what does it feel like? Please leave comments below...

But, I’m thinking I’m going to break this streak soon, maybe go hatless in my next stint –frost the tips blonde a little. OK, I’m lying... I may have hooked up here and there. As many of my friends will tell you, I don’t discriminate on my styles of women: hip-hop, gangsta, church, choir, theatre, goth, punk, nerd, country, skinny, fat, mother, daughter, father (just once, and it was after watching Milk. What!??! I needed a shoulder to cry on. After drinking that box of wine, one thing led to another...), druggy, jock, butch, club, and the list goes on…..

Here is the definitive list on the pros and cons of the different styles of women to date and your chances to score:

Punk (think Pink, Courtney Love) – this is the type of girl who will shotgun a beer, has a fouler mouth than you do, will call you a pussy for not doing a flip when wakeboarding, and will burp like Shrek the Ogre. C’mon, we all know these girls. There’s one in every bunch of prissy females.

Pros: It’s like hanging with one of the boys.

Cons: It’s like hanging with one of the boys.

Pros: You’ll probably get to have sex with her on the first night.

Cons: She will literally kick your ass if you don’t last longer than 3 minutes. (Of course, I routinely go over 4….)

Pros: You don’t have to baby her.

Cons: She will kick your ass.

Pros: It’s beautiful when she lets down her guard to show you a little bit of vulnerability while in bed.

Cons: Then she will quickly kick your ass for witnessing it.

Hip-Hop (Jennifer Lopez, Rihanna) – this is the type of girl who will get done up for her man and expects to be treated like a queen in return. Not only does she expect it, she will burn your house down if it doesn’t happen (think Lisa “Left-Eye” Lopes – RIP). You will always be late because she’s spending hours putting on her makeup, but boy, when she does…. nice! Before you rejoice, just know that these women are also prone to arguments and drama. It’s part of their DNA.

Pros: Felatio is a given.

Cons: Felatio has to be given.

Pros: She knows the words to every hip-hop song on earth, including those annoying songs by Lady Gaga.

Cons: She can’t tell you the meaning to any of those songs she recites by heart.

Pros: She will let you do everything you’ve ever seen in a pornographic film.

Cons: Her brother is probably in jail, so you better ask nicely.

Pros: She’ll engage you mentally and verbally.

Cons: But her delivery will be at the top of her lungs and snarled.

Girl Next Door (Jennifer Love Hewitt, Carrie Underwood) – this is the type of girl who will bake your buddies a batch of cookies, grab you a beer, and clean. But they will also police your ass like no other. On the outside, they’ll be pretty darn cool, but once you settle down or have a baby, they’ll go all Kate Gosselin on you – nagging and dirty looks galore!

Pros: She will cook.

Cons: Nothing. What’s wrong with cooking?

Pros: She will grab you and your bros a beer.

Cons: She will cut you off at 2... in front of your friends.

Pros: She will be down, sexually.

Cons: But after a year, her lack of rhythm will make you lose interest and you will resort to getting fat and watching football all weekend long.

Pros: She will be a great mother.

Cons: You never said you wanted to be a father.

Alternative (Sheryl Crow, Maggie Gylenhaal) – this is a girl who will have a minimum of 3 piercings in her ear. She will only shave her legs twice a year – same goes for the other parts of her anatomy. She will dance when there is no beat, swaying like a flowered hippy-child to the treble.

Pros: She will find sex spiritual.

Cons: You will be like “WTF?!?! It’s just sex.”

Pros: She will force you to eat organic and healthy.

Cons: You will have nasty, unsolid poo.

Pros: She will have a diverse group of friends.

Cons: They will all hate you.

Pros: She’ll want to explore your thoughts and feelings.

Cons: She will discover that your thoughts consist of nothing more than sex, sports, beer, and dogs playing pool.


Welp, hope this helps out. In the meantime, don't limit yourself and enjoy some crazy, unique ass that you wouldn't normally subject yourself to. And if you're a lady, maybe consider a helmet-goggle-scarf-wearing guy every once in awhile. He'll be... I mean, you'll be glad you did!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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4 comments :

  1. reading this blog was better than preparing for an irs audit.
    rock on, brother leu.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey Kevin,

    Hilarious blog. Although my wife and mother would never approve, I couldn't stop laughing. Great stuff, keep it up.

    ReplyDelete
  3. thank you, i hat a good laugh ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. @genti - Thanks. If these hats don't work out, try some cornrows. It works for R. Kelly....

    ReplyDelete

 
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