Las Vegas Survival Guide: Life Lessons I Learned in Vegas

For a time in college, people thought my middle name was ‘Vegas’ – Kevin Vegas Leu. That’s how synonymous I was to Sin City. (Although, for a time, people also thought my middle name was ‘Douchebag,’ but that’s another story.) Going to college in San Diego, a short 4 hour drive to Las Vegas, I always found a reason to take a little road trip: whether it be female issues (that time of month), or receiving my tuition check, or when finals were coming up and everyone was studying but me. Nothing could make me happier than some BJs! That’s Black Jack for the layman – not to be confused with BlowJobs, although both leave you deflated and wanting more.

In my lifetime, I would estimate I’ve been to Vegas 30 times, only 4 minutes of which I was sober. And in those many, many trips, I’ve learned some important lessons on love, life, money, alcoholic intake capacity, projectile vomiting, syphilis, herpes, and gonorrhea. In order to establish some street cred with you young tykes before I go into the rules of survival, let me give you a quick rundown of some of my lifetime Vegas highlights and lowlights.

- I once got kicked out of Pure Nightclub at Ceasar’s Las Vegas for peeing into a trash can in full view of other club patrons.

They give you a stamp so you can’t get back in. Since none of my friends knew I had been kicked out (or would’ve cared), and I had nothing else to do, I washed furiously in the bathroom until all the skin was almost removed from my hand. And... I got back in …… only to be kicked back out minutes later for falling off my chair.

- I once hopped into a go-go cage with a dancer at the top of Rio … only to be kicked out.

I swear that dancer wanted me. Don’t worry, I got his number later.


- I once played a $100 minimum table at The Playboy Club at the Palms with only $100 in my pocket, expecting to play only one hand.

I proceeded to win 10 straight hands with increasing bets and increasing Patron shots. I fell off my chair at some point and was kicked out... But not before I had $1500 in my pocket!

- I once told a stripper I didn’t want the lap dance my friend had bought me and I wanted to know more about her and her life aspirations.

Let’s just say ended the night with her real name and phone number.

- I once (actually twice), played anal ring toss – where a girl puts a stick in her you-know-what and you throw rings at the stick (bachelor party, don't ask).

I blacked out, and for some reason, my butt really hurt in the morning.


- I once cussed at a 6’10’ former NBA basketball player and asked him what the heck he was doing sitting at my table.

Then I went in the bathroom and threw up.

- I once believed that girls on the street at 5am who were talking dirty to me, did it because I had mad game.

I asked her, "what's up?" And she answered, she was "horny." Then I remembered prostitutes were legal in Las Vegas.

- I once woke up and found two of my heterosexual male friends spooning.

Still my favorite pic....


- I once had to go to the hospital at 6am to pick up my friend who had been ambulanced out of a club.

She has not been back to Vegas since.


Well, I could go on and on, but frankly, this is not a novel.

Here are the rules of survival that you must always, ALWAYS remember:

RULE #1 – Always go home with the first, semi-decent, willing girl you meet.

- I can’t tell you how many times guys I know regret not going home with that first girl because it was too early in the night, or they thought someone better would come along. Newsflash: the girls later in the night are there because they have cockblocking friends. I repeat: cockblocking. Also, if they are leftover, there’s a reason that no one else has tried to take them home. If your purpose in Vegas is to hookup, take the first willing girl home. (For me, I like to ride in the elevators and jump when they hit the top floor. It’s fun – you should try it.)

RULE #2 – Don’t get obliterated when you first get there.

- I know it’s tempting because everyone (annoyingly) counts down their trip to Vegas, starting at 30 days. Facebook trailer trash Status Update: “OMG! 29 days to Vegas. Can’t Wait!!!!!” When you get there, you’re so amped up, you get smashed before you even leave the room and you’re a sloppy, disgusting, slurring mess. Take your time. Unlike other places in the U.S. – Vegas doesn’t close. You have plenty of time. Plus, if you’re trying to take home a drunk, sloppy, disgusting, female mess, you’re going to need some of your senses to make your way home.


Everything else isn’t that serious. It’s Vegas! Here’s some do’s and don’t.

Do buy gallons of water for the hotel room.

Don’t wear that stupid Ed Hardy shirt (think about how stupid you looked in Cross Colors).

Do eat late night food to prevent the hangover (either 1.99 steak and eggs, Fatburger, In-N-Out, or McDonald’s at the Palms).

Don’t EVER buy a drink for a girl who asks you to.

Do talk to that girl in the elevator (what have you got to lose?).

Don’t wear black (every douchebag in the club is wearing black).

Don’t do drugs……. Haha, just kidding! Do them all!


End list.


I don’t have all the answers in life, but I know that Vegas has taught me that you always need a little bit of luck on your side. You make the most of the opportunities that are given to you and you regret all the moments you don’t seize.

Like the great Robin Williams said: Carpe Diem!

Sincerely,
Kevin Vegas (not Douchbag) Leu

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1 comment :

  1. I'll be in Vegas this weekend for #31! Flamingo and McDonald's here I come!

    If you're in town, this could be a rare chance to see the SVB in action!

    ReplyDelete

 
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