Things You'll Find in a Bachelor's Refrigerator

Check out my friend Kayoko's blog at http://www.umamimart.com/. This blog post I wrote will be featured on her "Fridgin Out" section tomorrow:

I'm not sure what the protocol or style of this "Fridgin Out" section is supposed to be like..... buuuutttt..... I'm gonna go with my gut on this one. Saddle up, partner!

My friend, Kayoko, has been asking me to write a food blog for quite sometime. She's a traffic-driving genius, as you may well know. I also am not sure if I've actually heard her voice in like 11 years, but this Saturday we're hangin out! Yayers! We're going to go to a Lunar Banquet and eat Peking Duck until we smell like duck for the next 3 days!

Anyway, here's a picture of my fridge. It keeps things cold. You can put six packs of be... soda in here... (who can guess what movie?!?!).

Here are my fridge doors open. I never do this because I know I will be disappointed with the options.


Much more interesting are the trash cans next to the fridge, but we'll get around to that. Let's start with the freezer, because I don't want to move all these pictures around. This is a picture of part of my sister's wedding cake. The wedding was in August 08. I think I was supposed to bring it to the wedding. Now I'll just keep it here until my wedding.... oh, probably in like August of 2012. Yum! Can't wait!
This is a bottle of Tequila. I only get handles.... well, most of the time. They're the best bargains, plus I have lots of space in my freezer. I normally have a handle of vodka in there too, but I drink it so quickly. I wish they made Popov's Vodka by the Keg-full! I'd move out all those annoying drawers and shelves in my fridge.

That's a 3 year old pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, behind my economy size tequila I use to drink out of when I'm showering. I'd pull out the ice cream and show it to you, but I don't like going back that far in my freezer. It's cold and I have dry knuckles. Thus, it sits.

Let's move onto the lower 48 (thanks S. Palin!), where I house all my goodies. This is the door. It is squeaky proof.
I don't drink sodas, but my Dad gave me a whole bunch. I think he stole them from somewhere. I'm glad they're Pepsi, because I like going with the underdog. Burger King, Circuit City, Burt and Loni, Mia and Woody.... you name it! We're going to be together forever!

I tried to make a chocolate martini once, I bought the dark Creme De Cacao. It was supposed to be the lighter colored one. Fellas, you should invest in the lighter colored one and mix it with vodka. Women love it and it's stronger than a mofo - heh, heh, heh....... Did I do enough "heh, heh's" to get the point across? If not, heh, heh, heh, heh.......

Miracle whip! Ain't nothin wrong with that!

Uh-oh. It expires today! Schnikes! I'm ALWAYS too ambitious when it comes to Miracle Whip.

Oyster sauce is yummy. I wish I knew what to do with it. I brought it from my mom's and used it once.

Country Crock was on sale or else I would've gone with the "I can't believe it's not butter." Fabio was amazing in those commercials..... and a real dreamboat.

I use that Country Crock to make grilled ham and cheese! It's yummy. Although sometimes it gives me the runs.

These are my two bottles of Margarita Mix that I have leftover from my Superbowl party from last year. They've been in there for a long time.

I can't find an expiration date, yet I'm still afraid to drink it. I figure I'll offer it to guests when they come over.

Here's my bread. I buy whole wheat. 100% that is. No kidding around for me. I don't go with those 97% wheat bread mixes - you never know what that last 3% could consist of: ground up chicken guts, tire shavings from the freeway, cardboard boxes, soylent green..... who knows? I just don't want to chance it.

This sucks. The bread expired 23 days ago. Shoot! I will leave it in the fridge in case I'm really drunk one night and decide to chance it.

Here's one beer hidden in the back of my fridge. I leave it back there so that if I ever feel like a beer, I can rummage around my fridge and then find it in the back. It will be that much better because I had to dig for that last beer waayyyyy in the back............. I am often bored.

I like milk. I like it a lOt. Sometimes I want to use it on cereal, but I never get up before noon. My cereal box is even older than my ice cream.
This saddens me as well. It is 19 days overdue. I am going to put it back in the fridge, because I don't want to take the chance of smelling it when I pour it out. I have to get myself ready for something like that. I'll wait until next week.
Well, that's the lower 48. Here are the coupons on my fridge - they're probably expired too - and some cute kids, and friends I don't care for, and the happy holiday picture from my college roommate.

Time to move onto the good stuff! Remember that trash can I was telling you about? I spend more time there than opening the fridge.

BaJa Fresh. Remember in the Sopranos when he calls it BaJa with a hard J? Oh, that was funny. Hmmm, there's still chips in here. I'm going to eat them.

El Pollo Loco. That means Chicken Crazy! I like my Mexican food. Hmmm, there's still salsa in this bag. I will use it for the chips in the BaJa Fresh bag! Great success!

Ohhh, what can you say about Chipotle? It is heaven on earth massage parlor for me. I try to save two bites at the end of each burrito so I can eat it before I go to bed.
I know what you're thinking. That's like every Mexican fast food place that exists!!! What's next? Taco Bell?! Del Taco?! La Salsa!?!? No, no, no.... that's next week.
See! I can represent America too! 5. 5. 5 dollar footloong.... I go with the meatball. Ummm, that's a good meatball.

Finally, to seal the deal amongst any cautious female, I bust out my frozen rose. I, too, have a sensitive side. As they're pondering this interesting development, I ask for it back and throw it in the freezer. I then take a shot of tequila, unbutton my top two buttons.... unbutton my jeans, make sure that my gold cross chain is facing the right direction, and make my way back into the living room for a little sensual seduction....

The next pictures of me and my blow-up doll, Molly, are for my eyes only..... The SVB doesn't kiss and tell..... Molly's kinky, but she would have my neck for it.
Sincerely,
Kevin L.

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6 comments :

  1. I have that same ham, cheese, bread combo! but i'm out of bread now. does oyster sauce make a good bread substitute? because i also have a bottle, maybe two of oyster sauce. I ambitiously buy condiments.

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  2. By far one of your funniest posts! I cannot believe you do not smoke weed, I thought for sure the person that wrote that was high as hell

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  3. Condiments? Or condoms? I buy 50 in bulk. I've had those same 50 for the last 10 years. They may be expired too, but it's ok - Molly is on the pill.

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  4. I thought surely a rubber lady would count as wearing a rubber? no?

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  5. Wow you must have a lot of time on your hands... only losers write blogs!

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  6. Tommy Boy?!?!?!? -right What do I win? ......bryce

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