Top 10 Things to Eat and Do in Silicon Valley that May Kill You

So my buddy, Wes, just sent me this list from 7x7 called, The Big Eat SF: 100 Things to Try Before You Die. First of all, he was sad that he had only tried 17 items on the list. Second of all, it's the most pretentious little list in the world. (For the record, I have only tried two.) Here is a common man's list of 10 in Silicon Valley:

1. Barbacoa Burrito at Chipotle
2. Boss Burger at Foster's Freeze (I worked here for like 10 years, it's bomb - trust me)
3. Beef Noodle Soup at A&J
4. Chicken Cordon Bleu at Arby's (in case you want to impress your date with some French)
5. McRib Sandwich at McDonald's (boneless!)
6. Taco Delight at Taco Bravo
7. Italian Chicken Sandwich at Burger King (order to go and eat with a box of red wine - nothing quite like it)
8. Bruschetta Chicken Ciabatta at Jack in a Box (box of white wine here)
9. Pho at Pho Little Saigon (I'm sure it's not the best, but as you can tell by this list, my taste buds are not that discriminating)
10. Super Gyro at Yiassoo (I love feta cheese! Just not with any kind of vegetables!)

Now for the top 10 places to use the bathroom following a meal..... Just kidding (but not really). You can email me for that list.

Ok, now for the Top 10 Things To Do in Silicon Valley (that may cause you to put a gun to your head). Notice that I did not say fun or even amusing:

1. Santana Row! - The cure-all for all of Silicon Valley's ails. It's where I take everyone to show them that San Jose has culture and aesthetic beauty. BUT, I make sure they have 3 shots in them so that their vision is a little impaired and their reasoning skills are off.

2. The Parking Lot at Santana Row - This is where I will pre-drink so that I don't have to pay $10 a drink to get my buzz on looking at a 3 or a 4 (see Rule of 13). The drinking helps to bump them up to a 5 or a 6.

3. Winchester Mystery House perfectly situated right across from none other than... Santana Row! - I have actually never done the Winchester Mystery House, home of the late widower of the maker of the Winchester rifle. You will find many other locals have also not taken in this wonder of the world. Here's quick summary: lady goes crazy, keeps building onto her house, doors that lead nowhere, rooms that don't make sense. Sounds like it would be worth $31 doesn't it?

4. Paramount's Great America - This place was fun for me when I was 12. I would have my mom drop me off and then I'd stare fools down. (Don't forget, these were the dangerous times of gangster rap in Silicon Valley). If that didn't work, it was on to the stiff-shoulder-I-refuse-to-move-out-of-the-way-of-this-straight-line-path. But of course, I would only do this to 8 year olds.

5. Raging Waters - My friend, Seth, once got season passes at the age of 27. I went with him a few times along with some other late 20-somethingers. We would wait in line behind 10 year old kids. Parents looked at us oddly as we sprinted down the sidewalk to get back in line.

6. Castle Rock State Park - Sometimes they say, 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone' - that's not the case with Silicon Valley, I've left before. If it weren't for my family and job, I'd never come back. Well.... with that said, Castle Rock is actually up the Santa Cruz Mountains, but you can see all of Silicon Valley from this huge rock. I only went illegally at night, but it's awesome and kind of scary. If you go at night, just make a left at hwy 35 and look for some other shady cars parked along the road. You'll have to hike like a mile though.

7. Watch TV at Home - This is where you watch programming where people are living and doing thing in places FAR more interesting than Silicon Valley. If you squint just enough, you can pretend it's you on that screen. I like to do this with Anthony Bourdain and with 3 Sheets.

8. Listen to the Radio - Just start flipping the stations and see if you can guess the song that comes on. Drink every time you get the song right!

9. Cruise Facebook - Much like watching TV, this is where you look at everyone's pictures to see what a great time they had the previous weekend while you were at Great America. When you get bored, start searching for hot members of the opposite sex and wish that their profile was open so that you could see more than just their profile pic.

10. Sleep - This is my favorite activity in Silicon Valley. I do it a lot. The more you sleep, the less you're awake!

For a list of the bars and nightspots to hit up, check out my previous post on where to go in what area. But once again, I highly recommend sleeping.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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3 comments :

  1. Hilarious... and you keep trying to make me move down to Cupertino because...? You make the South Bay sound so exciting!

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  2. Because you seem to be such a fan of Chipotle, I am obligated to tell you that a Chipotle chicken bowl once made me ill for a day. Granted, it was only one day. Not like the three days I was sick from my (admittedly expired) Trader Joe's BBQ Chicken Salad. But still ... beware!

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  3. Well, Miss Liermann, if you paid attention to my post, I only order BARBACOA BURRITO with black beans, rice, sour cream, cheese, medium salsa and a little bit of hot.... I like to live dangerously!

    I've drunken expired milk one week late, but I wasn't sick for 3 days. Sorry to hear about your unfortunate eating situations. The key is putting awful stuff in your stomach for an extended period of time, that way your stomach is immune to expired products.

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