Thursday, November 27, 2008

The Anti Anti-Thanksgiving

I think it is very dangerous to be too anti. My cousin said something to me today that made me extremely sad. He didn't really want to come to Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's house, and neither did another cousin. They just didn't have that much fun and they didn't want to be around certain people. I can see their point, but I also completely LOVE Thanksgiving. Let me try and talk some sin to those who are opposed to these family gatherings.....

I'll admit - my normal life is draped in sin. Thanksgiving serves as one of the most pure times of my life. At no point do I yearn for an alcoholic beverage, lust after the opposite sex, or have any desire to reek mayhem. I spent many years away from my family and didn't have the option of coming home for the Holidays. It's true when they say: sometimes you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.

I'm sooo thankful for my family and friends, and the opportunities that have been afforded to me by their love and support. Please - enjoy everything that life has to offer. Some things might not be your bread and butter, but I promise you, you'll enjoy life the more you embrace situations outside of your comfort zone. So ladies, when I'm trying to shove my tongue down your throat..... just go with it..... Physically, you may want to vomit, and you may wake up with a few lip sores, but gosh darnit, saying "Yes" will feel exhilarating!

Happy Thanksgiving.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Why a Recession Doesn't Scare Me

My friend sent me a text the other day, saying: 'Congratulations, your naivete in financial matters really saved your life.' After I looked up the word 'naivete,' I happily laid in bed thinking about how I never invested in 401K or bought a house. Instead, I invested heavily in alcohol. Consumption that is. It's all in my belly..... or was, mostly, until redistribution at 5am on various mornings. Not to be insensitive to other people's predicaments, but I always felt a step behind as my college friends were buying houses, cars, and getting their 401K matched by their employers. Now I can say - Boo YEAH!!!!

Hording money in CDs and Savings Accounts wasn't so stupid afterall, huh!?! It was actually a well-crafted strategy of pretend naivete. (Did I use that right?) Anyway, I just never really trusted putting my money into an "open market" with highs and lows. I'm blue collar - I don't like to think anything comes for free. I always meant to buy a house in every TV market I was in, but thank goodness I didn't. Can you imagine? I could be a home-owner in Pocatello, Idaho, or Redding, California, or better yet, Columbus, Ohio.

One thing that's helped me horde cash? I still live like I did when I was making $18,500 a year in my first job in Pocatello (albeit, with the occasional $300 bar tab on weekends). My mom was also giving me a $200 a month allowance on top of that - bless her sweet heart! Unlike a lot of Americans, I never lived above by means. I never bought something with money I didn't have. Credit cards only built up credit - they were paid off each month. If you can't pay them off each month, you might as well cut them up. The interest rate will kill you.

I also think that housing prices coming down is a GREAT thing. People were just getting out-priced by these ridiculous home costs. Hopefully they'll continue to drop, so that working class people can actually afford the homes once again - live the American dream of owning property! And once that happens, prices will start to stabilize and go up again from increased competition. Shame on all the people who bought numerous properties to make a profit - driving prices up in the process. Those guys can eat it for all I care - and they most likely can afford it as well.

So take some financial advice from the SVB - go eat at your parents house, pre-drink before the clubs like a mofo, and horde cash underneath your mattress. Remember to lay in it occasionally to make yourself feel like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal. And whenever you hear anyone coming, get paranoid and start hyperventillating and saying: 'NOTHING.... I'M DOING NOTTHHINNG. GO AWAY. I HAVE A GUN!!!!' When you're 80, single, and have lots of cash, you'll thank me.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Why Upper Echelon Men, Like Myself, Choose Independent, Picky Women

I met this woman recently who told me: "I wish I had been less-picky in my life, I would've been much happier." After she told me this, I thought: "This is my lucky day! I'm IN!!!" Outside, I disagreed with her. I told her that discrimination is one of our best assets - it leads us to better, more refined selections, especially in a mate. She adamantly disagreed. She was 35 and single.

Rather than try and take advantage of the situation and make out with her, I decided to press on with my point. One of my pet peeves is women who can go from 2 year relationships to 2 year relationships. Be a little more discriminating for Pete's sake! I once dated this girl who had gone out with 4 separate guys for over 2 years each! I thought to myself: while she's beautiful and intelligent, with a great career, her lack of pickiness was an utter turn-off. This was a woman who's life was heavily characterized by her past relationships. She needed a man to be in her life at all times. And in my eyes, any man. (I mean, she chose me, for the love of God!)

In this day and age, the sexiest thing to me is a strong, independent woman, who doesn't NEED me in her life, but WANTS me in her life. I've written before about the 3 Things a Woman Shouldn't Do in a Relationship, but the 3 things I'd like to see? Independence, which breeds strength and character; Confidence, which brings with it attitude and sexiness; and Curiosity, which brings forth the thirst for knowledge, then opinions, then pickiness.

If I'm with someone, I'd like to know that the pickiest girl in the world chose me, not someone who's happy with whomever crosses their path next. That's why you'll never see me with anyone for longer than 3 - 4 months. If she's made it past that point, there's a good chance she may be the one. I'm still crossing my fingers. I, for sure, won't need 2 years to figure it out.

So people: please stay picky and maybe we can drive this divorce rate down. We may get married a little later in life, but we'll know that that person, survived several years of dating discrimination, to become "the one." In the meantime, let's take advantage of the less-picky and use them as a warm body for a few months until the next best thing comes along!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The As*hole Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Listen to NE-YO's "Miss Independent" for reference.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

My 100th Post! - I Love You, My Pervert Readers


Hello Everyone,

I'm writing to tell you that I've been super busy lately, you know... going to "high society" Yves Saint Laurent events in the city, getting my company in The New York Times, and generating a over 5 million views for a client on Youtube - pretty standard stuff. Anyway, I miss writing to you all and reading the funny comments you leave me. And no, you cannot date my mother Margaret. Mostly, I miss rereading my funny writing over and over. Other people's writing is just plain boring!

Oh, btw, this is my 100th Blog Post. I feel like I should not waste this posting on a silly 2:30am-at-work-delirium-rant.

I'll make it up to you, my lovely 3,500 readers a month, who mostly are reading my 'easy women' post. Perverts..... I love it!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Three Sheets: Best TV Show for Drunk Travelers on Earth

...... that is, if you like drinking, traveling, and social customs - which I do. Actually, drinking and traveling happen to be on my Top 5 list of favorites. It goes something like this:
  1. Women
  2. Beaches
  3. Drinking
  4. Eating
  5. Traveling

Honorable Mention: Sleeping, Basketball, Karaoke, Dressing up in Women's Clothing.

Anyway, I watched this show on the MOJO HD network at my buddy's house, because he has MOJO (not personally, but networkally), and I went home and quickly realized I do not. I haven't watched an episode since, but just found out you can watch episodes on hulu. It's the bestest show in the WORLD!!! No joke.

Essentially, this guy Zane, goes to different countries all over the world, learns the drinking habits, drinks of choice, drinking customs, social mores, shows how the local booze is made, history of it, gets drunk, tells you how bad his hangover is the next day, and then only uses local remedies and customs to see if their hangover cures work. It's a REALLY good show and informative as well. Just watch a show, I promise you won't be disappointed. Here's the preview below:



So for the 999 out of 1,000 that don't have the MOJO Network, I strongly recommend you go to hulu to watch!

Peace out!
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Monday, November 10, 2008

Had I Given in to "The Man"......

I once had an opportunity to intern for "The Man Show" with Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel. I had met Adam Carolla at a party in Santa Barbara while I was a student at UC San Diego and promptly asked him for an internship. He put me in touch with 'his guy' - and I was in. Trouble is, I decided to take an internship with a local news station in San Diego instead. As you may well know, Adam Carolla went on to Loveline and a mega contract with Free FM and Jimmy Kimmel has his own late-night talk show on ABC (and of course, he's F*cking Ben Affleck).

If I had to pick one decision in my life that may have altered my entire future - that would be it. It's not that I look back and regret it, it's just that every once in awhile I think about the contacts I would've made, the career that would've been different, and more importantly, the boobs I would've seen while on "The Man Show." It's then that I want to shoot myself. Painfully. Starting with the small toe, and working my way up through the kneecap, and then my ears, and so on, and so forth. But really, I don't think about it all that often....

Instead, I went on to a journalism career that helped define who I was, and am, as a person. It was a decision that brought with it: independence, adversity, and strength. No other experience could've given me such character, especially for someone who'd been 'handicapped' by overprotective parents. Becoming a reporter, and staying a reporter, was one of the most challenging, lonely, and earnest endeavors anyone can go through to get a job.

I saw so much about the human character in the stories I reported on, from death to hope, that will always outweigh a lifetime's worth of bouncing boobies on "The Man Show" (it's a slim margin of victory, but still...). As I outline the rewrites for the 2nd draft of my screenplay, I think about how much my former experiences help in being able to draw on inspiration, emotion, humor, and context. Interviewing and talking to hundreds of real people about real situations in the heartlands of America is something that, I think, far outweighs the superficial and pretentious shortcomings a Los Angeles career would have had on me.

Will I one day make it as a screenwriter? Maybe. Would it have been easier if I had taken that internship with The Man Show? Maybe. Would my screenplay have been any good if I had stayed in Southern California? Probably not. My overwhelming dream at that time was not screenwriting, it was journalism, that and seeing my beautiful face on the television screen for thousands to admire and enjoy. And no one admired it more than myself. (Just kidding... but not really).

I encourage everyone to take the road that will fulfill your passions - even if it is the road less traveled. And even if you don't accomplish exactly what you wanted to, it's the extension of yourself that builds your character for years to come. I accomplished one dream of being a television journalist, but I have many more dreams to go. Those dreams that have been met, have strengthened my resolve and only made my others, more attainable.

(Cue cheesy patriotic music)

As the economy faces the prospect of a growing population with less and less jobs, it's time for Americans to take advantage of the opportunities afforded to us. We need to take chances over the next months and years and fulfill the dreams we still have. This is the best way to help the soul recover, and quite possibly, our economy.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Don't ever be afraid to tell "The Man" to shove it - the power of our dreams can always forge another path for us.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Best Vegas Picture Ever

So, technically I'm writing this post to showcase my buddy's amazing and inspiring rap video called "Yes We Can," that splices together his well-written lyrics and flow with the speeches of Senator Barack Obama, but I thought I would deviate from the plan just a little. Let it be known that the image you're about to see is not pretty. It was taken in Vegas by me at some point in the early morning hours after stumbling off the couch in search of a bathroom. In my drunken state of delirium, I thought to myself, "oh, one of my friends got lucky. Let me see who it is....." Little did I know, it would be two of my more macho friends.

This is my favorite picture of all time. I couldn't stop giggling - yes giggling - as I kept quiet so that I could snap numerous pictures, which kept me giggling even as I was sitting on the throne, drunk and still foggy from the night before.

The next day, they swear nothing happened. Sure - we believe you. To their credit, they both have VERY attractive girlfriends. I also hear they're voting No on Proposition 8. A possible breakup coming in the future????

Anyway, here's my buddy's sick-*ss video. It's quite macho, but we all know that he has a "soft" side. Aghh hahahahaa.....




Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor