The SVB interviews Bill Ford Jr.

The great thing about being 'freelance' is that you really only need to do like one gig. The word 'freelance' make no allusion towards being plural. So even though I've done only one reporting gig since leaving "professional" journalism in 2006, I can technically tell people I'm a freelance reporter!

But in terms of 'professionalism,' my reporting skills on this blog are quite impeccable and my journalistic integrity - top notch. I remain rather unbiased and unopinionated as I only report the facts. So to see the best reporter that the world has ever seen, check out the video below of me 'freelancing' the crap out of the National Automobile Dealer's Association (NADA) Convention.

For the best parts of the video - skip to 1:12, 2:59, and 4:30. I had asked them to only show my reaction during my interview of Bill Ford, Jr., but apparently Ford is the Chairman of some motor company and his great-grandfather invented a car called the Model T. (My sources tell me it didn't even have power door locks!!! Good luck with that!) So anyway, you get to see a lot more him than you do of me in this thinly veiled informercial disguised as journalism. Errr, did I say that out loud? Apparently I'm not looking to ever work again.




Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. If you watched that video in its entirety, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. This video is neither funny, or entertaining - not even for the SVB or Bill Ford Jr.

Carne Asada Fries in San Francisco and Beyond!

As many of you may know, I'm a champion of many many causes - world hunger, human rights, 11th grade literacy, the McRib Sandwich to be sold year round, and of course, Carne Asada Fries for all. If only everyone could congregate around Carne Asada Fries, there would be world peace. I've written before about this San Diego treat (here, and here) that has so far struggled to gain prominence outside of Southern California. Here's a link on Yelp that has a cult following from many San Diego transplants, asking where there are Carne Asada Fries in the Bay Area.

Try reading this Wikipedia page as well. It's no joke.

Well, because of that Yelp link, I was able to find a place on Fillmore and Geary called Fillmore Mexican Grill that serves my special treat. Here I am below pictured with my baby.

I had the owner take the picture for me as I was too busy whispering sweet nothings to my little Carne. He seemed genuinely ill-prepared to handle my enthusiasm and my out-of-breath ramblings of how I had searched long and far for a place in NorCal that served Carne Asada Fries.

Me: ".....and then (heavy breathing)... I drove around the block 4 times .... (more heavy breathing) before I saw that this must be the place (panting). I ran here, but forgot my camera, so I went back and got it (catching my breath) and then ran back."

Fillmore Mexican Grill owner: Blank stare

Me: "You-see-I-went-to-college-at-UCSD-andatecarneasadafriesallthetime....... (sucking in air). AndtherewasthisonetimewhereIcalledataxiinSanDiegoat3amandwentandgotcarneasadafries..... (out of breath). It was worth it.....

Filmore Mexican Grill owner: Blank stare

Me: "You're my best friend. I'll have the Carne Asada Fries - Super Size Please!"

Once the dish came, about 10 minutes later, I didn't want to tear into it just yet. It was just too pretty. The owner, and he was right, said that he bought the wrong fries for the Carne Asada Fries. They were the fat ones you get with like steaks or restaurant burgers. It kind of gave the meal too much of a gringo potato taste. The fries were also not drowned in cheese, and the Carne Asada was cut a little too thin. I had to ask for sour cream, because there was none on it. On the other hand, the guacamole was fresh and the little morsels of Carne Asada were pretty tasty. They just need to be cut a little bigger so that your fork can actually sink into them as opposed to inbetween the bristles.

All in all, they were not even half of what it's like in San Diego. Afterall, competition breeds excellence and there's plenty of it in San Diego. Don't get me wrong, I'll still go back to this place because it's the only one I've found in the city, but let's just hope that we can find it some competition. Maybe one day when I have kids and grandkids, I'll tell them stories about how 'when I grew up, we didn't have Carne Asada Fries on every block.....' They'll of course, roll their eyes and I'll go back to rocking in my chair before thinking better of it and then pulling off my belt and yelling, 'YOU INCONSIDERATE LITTLE JERKS!!!! And then wail on their behinds, sobbing as I recall memories of Carne Asada Fries Abstinence.

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Cupertino High School 50th Anniversary Reunion: Smells Like Teen Spirit

This weekend is my high school's 50th birthday and there are celebrations and famous alumni that will all be in attendance. People like Papa Doo Run Run and....... and .... I think that's it. Kurt Rambis went to our school in the 70s, but there have been no sightings of him since.

One thing is for sure: the Class of 1997 will probably represent the least. Let me explain. I went to school at a time when it became uncool to like anything to do with school and spirit. A few years prior to the start of high school for my class, Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit did irreparable damage to the psyche of high school students. No longer was it cool to have teen spirit, cheer at Pepper Rally's, or show any outward signs of emotion. We had to act like we were on the verge of committing suicide at any point.

One year later, Dr. Dre's album The Chronic, let us know that not only should we not care, but we should also slap some b*tches around too. It was quite a tumultuous period for a group of kids desperately trying to find out who they were before the start of those all-important high school years.

Then to throw EVERYONE for a loop, freshman year (1993) spurned such hits as Whitney Houston's I Will Alway Love You, H-Town's Knockin Da' Boots, Shai's If I Ever Fall in Love, Silk's Freak Me. What was a hard-core, gang-bangin' Asian kid living in the burbs suppose to do? All of a sudden, we had to be these introverted lovers, who, while hard on the outside, was really desperately seeking love on the inside.

But it doesn't end there. Sophmore, junior year, who woulda thunk it? Ace of Base. Salt-N-Pepa. TLC. Now we had to learn to dance while still keeping our cool around the homies. AND women had all these empowering songs like they could possibly dump us! Or *gasp* "Creep!" Once only the domain of men, now it was equal status when it came to cheating. Those pigs!

Finally, to completely F us all over. The Macarena. Enough said.

By the end of high school, no one knew who they were. I think like 75% of my class went to community college and the rest just decided to smoke pot for a few years until something interesting hit them. 11 years later? I'm STILL confused. Sometimes I do the Macarena and then go to the bathroom and slap myself around. How did I become so gay?!?!? Then I go back out in my tight muscle T and dance the night away to Bootylicious.

See you at the reunion!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Here's to the class of 1997 for almost finding your way!

Dating Advice from a Bachelor

Well, one of my friends, who has asked to remain anonymous, suggested I start a 'Dear SVB' column, like once a week - sort of like Dr. Phil, but funny..... and probably less useful.... most likely irrelevant ..... but hopefully coming from a slightly better looking guy. With all that said, here's her question:

Anonymous (but I know who you are!):

"Dear SVB, I love you. You are the best, greatest looking, funniest guy in the world. You should impregnate the world with your offsprings so that the world is a better place. (OK, she didn't really say that. I was reading between the lines). She goes on to say: 'What constitutes a date?' there is this guy who i went out for lunch with the other day, and we've made plans to go out for dinner next week. i guess it's too early to tell, but really, are there some obvious telltale signs that i should be aware of that these sort of appointments are just friendly, or if they are full blown dates?for example, The Check (which is a whole other post of its own, but...). i mean, for men, is it only considered a date if they pay? or is it not Not a date if they don't pay? i totally don't have a problem with going dutch, and always assume that we will be doing so, so this isn't a big issue for me, but i'm wondering if it's still a big factor in whether it constitutes a "date" or not.for example, i split the check with this guy i went to lunch with the other day. does that mean it's not a date? last year i went to dinner with a good friend on Xmas eve and he paid for our very expensive meal. was that a date???"

SVB Answer:

First of all, your lack of capitalization after periods is infuriating. I'm a big fan of capital letters - I mastered it in 10th grade. It was the only thing I mastered that year, so I'd like for us all to honor the capital letter.

Well, where should I begin 'anonymous?' I treat every date like I'm trying to get in their pants. I just figure, if I'm paying for a meal with a woman - I need some return on investment, even if I am unnattracted to them. The trouble here, is that many guys feel like they should pay when having dinner with a woman, even if they are just a friend. I have many girl-friends, therefore, I have learned to be more reserved when it comes to paying, lest I feel that I should now try and get into their pants because I have paid or having them have mixed emotions about why I didn't try and get into their pants after paying.

Here's a rule of thumb for me. If a girl offers to pay for half on the first date - she's not interested (not that I know what that's like). If she accepts payment, but insists on buying after-dinner drinks - she's still contemplating, but intrigued. If she accepts payment without a word, there's a chance you could take her directly home.

For a girl? If there is no clear-cut way to tell (i.e. the word 'date' is actually used, he literally asks you out for dinner, he is leaning into your every word, or his hand prefers to rest on your knee), then I would say he is either shy, or not sure if you're interested, or has decided he's not interested. Regardless of that, you should always pull out your card without a word and put it next to the check. If he allows you to do this without a word and puts his card in with yours, do you really want to date this cheapskate?!?! Anyhow, he's probably not interested.

But really, you just have to read body language. If he pays, and he's looking none-too-happy, and shows no further effort at productive conversation, then let it go. He's the one who should be sweating bullets - not you. Just go out, have a good-time, offer to pay, don't overthink it. And if he pays, sleep with him! So, about our dinner next week...... I'M PAYING!

If you have a serious question that you would like answered by a serious bachelor, email: SVBachelor@Gmail.com

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

3 Things A Woman Shouldn't Do in a Relationship

I am by no means a relationship guru - this blog has 'bachelor' in the name for a reason. Getting rid of that moniker is easy, but getting rid of it for the right girl - is hard. In my time, I've dated a gal or two and here are 3 lessons learned that may just help you extend that relationship an extra month or two.... or at least until your birthday comes around so that they can buy you a nice expensive gift.

1. Never ask your partner how many people they've slept with: I know this is a common question at some point, but just don't do it. No matter what the number, you will not be happy. "Two!??!?! I guess that was just how you was raised!" - Chris Rock. I've made it a point to refuse to answer that question. Oh they'll ask during pillow talk (because that's when we let down our guard), and make you feel like it makes no difference one way or another, but lo and behold three months later during an argument, "Well, why DON'T YOU GO OFF AND SLEEP WITH another 300 girls!!!" (300 is probably inflated, it's at least a plus or minus ratio of 5)

2. Minimize the baby talk: I know there are many times where you just want to be babied, and us guys are willing to oblige, but utimately, we want to be going out with a woman - not a child. Unless your Michael Jackson, I recommend that you guys don't encourage the behaviour by succumbing to baby voice as well. I admit, I'm guilty as charged and I've paid the price to a floodgate of more whiny baby talk in everyday situations: "You don't wub me anymore?!" Ugghh, I just vomited in my mouth.

3. Never act jealous: This really goes towards both men and women. I've been pretty fortunate recently, but there's been times where I've gone out with girls who really just want to see you jealous (it's like a sign you care... or something like that, I wasn't really paying attention). I think it's always best to convey absolute trust in the ones you're going out with, after all, when else will you find time to play video games and watch sports, than the times she's off hanging with her male friends at the ballet? You should show you care every once in awhile by putting down that Xbox controller, but you just can't handcuff a girl. It just comes off looking petty and sounding bad: "Who's this guy? Does he work out? How much money does he make? Did he ever live with his mom? Errr, not that I did or anything, that would be lame. Anyway, you can't hang out with him anymore unless he's gay." See what I mean?

Well, these are my three gems of wisdom. I couldn't think of anything more - I'm better at losing a girl. That post will be titled: "1001 ways to lose a girl...... on DAY ONE."

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

Sarah Palin the TV News Anchor ... and me

I don't know if you guys know this, but I used to be kind of a big deal. People knew me. I would perform cannonballs with reckless abandon. With no concern for my own well being, I would push little kids out of the way to another flawless ball of cannon. I also used to be on television. That's why when I watched Gov. Sarah Palin speak last night at the Republican National Convention, I knew instantly she used to be a television journalist. To put it mildly - she was riveting. (Much like me when speaking english to non-english speakers).

The difference between her and other politicians is that everyone else speaks to the masses, while Gov. Palin made it seem like she was speaking directly to you. She was having a conversation with each and every one of you, full of witty rhetoric and Democratic jabs. Which as a former News Anchor makes perfect sense, since we're taught to look into that camera and speak as if we were talking straight to our best friend. Since I had no friends, I always pretended I was speaking to Caspar the Friendly Ghost. I think it worked out well for me. I went on to become unemployed and living at home with the folks at 28. The best year of my life.

Gov. Palin on the other hand? Mayor? Governor? Possible VP? Whatever. I guess I should run for office too. Palin as the Hockey Mom can really relate to the public. I can bring my extensive knowledge of living at home as an adult, taking out the trash, and being home by midnight. I think the American public will find it endearing.

Take a look at her Anchor reel and then compare it to mine. I think McCain picked the wrong VP if you ask me......





Vice President Leu has a nice ring to it. Well, not really. But I too can be a Maverick and buck the establishment. I once didn't pick up a call from my mom at midnight when she wanted to know why I wasn't home yet. It felt good. And I even bit my lip during the spatula spanking so she wouldn't see me cry. Take that Palin!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley VP Candidate
(I wish you could run straight for VP, with no President)

Why West Virginia, Vermont and Rhode Island Don't Read My Blog

Every once in awhile I like to write a post that makes people throw-up in their mouths just a little. 4 out of my last 5 posts have been pretty serious, so it was hard coming up with a topic that would remind people that I'm generally not very well-spoken and shallow. I thought, 'what other topic could showcase this best than a blog post about me!' Do you remember the time when I wrote about how I wanted to be the most famous Kevin Leu out there? I know - ambitious life goals, but I've achieved them.

Recently I've been checking to see how great I am judging by the traffic to my blog. I now get about 2,000 visitors a month to my website! Google has this amazing thing called 'analytics' that tracks what state and country your visitors come from, how long they spend on the site, and whether you're wearing any underwear. Don't go clicking away now! It's too late to be shy around me.... *wink *wink! I too flip my underwear inside out to get maximum wearage! Take a look at the map below:

I've had visitors from 75 countries over the last month baby! I'm an international superstar! .... granted I only had one visitor from Russia, but at least the whole country is shaded in! YESSSS! U.S. is #1 by far, followed by Canadian visits at #2, then the UK, then Australia. Here are some interesting facts:

1. Australians are either really slow readers, or they really really like reading my blog. They spend an average of 5 minutes 25 second per each visit (compared with 1:36 from US readers).


2. Turkey produced 12 visitors in the last month, but amazingly they spent an average of 0:00 seconds on my blog. Either they couldn't read english good or my words were too big for them to read! Dumbies!


3. South Korea is either really good at reading english, or they really like looking at pictures of me (the likely scenario). Their 11 visitors spent an average of 2:12 on my website. Yay South Koreans! If only I could infiltrate North Korea... me and Kim Jong Ill have a lot in common I think.

Now let's move onto the good ol' United States of America. As you can see, the majority of my readers come from California, but there are 3 states that are white! Meaning those residents in those 3 states are ALL ILLITERATE. Hold on one second, while I go look at a map to see what states those are..... West Virginia, Vermont and .... and.... Rhode Island. I think it's Rhode Island, it's like a little spec on the map. Hah hah. What losers! You couldn't get any extra land???! Look at how big California is to your "little" island. "He just a little guy....."

Well, I harbor no ill will to those 3 states. It's obvious the internet has yet to reach them. I am comforted by the fact I have one reader in Cyprus (right next to Syria) that spent 12 minutes on my site looking at 3 different pages. Bless you sweet child. May my voice guide you in times of need and show you the light in moments of darkness. May the 12 minutes you spent reading my words carry you onto eternity...... Because, frankly, you can't get those 12 minutes back, they're mine now and I'm keeping them.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor