Hot Older Ladies

I must admit it, sometimes I get sick of the usual fare. It's like drinking PBR all the time, every night, 20 or 30 per night, and then you want something different. Like a fine Chateau Lafite-Rothschild.

I know I wrote about the cougars before, but that's not what I'm talking about now. Sometimes, I like the older, older ladies. Sometimes, I wonder if now that I'm living in SF, Danielle Steele will walk into the Grove and ask me to be husband number 7. I know she's probably pushing 70, but she just understands men so well! I don't know how she writes us with such astute skill and perspicaciousness.

Take for example this from her tome, "Toxic Bachelors":

"Charlie [read: Kevin] was up early [read: after 3pm], although his recollections of the evening before were a little vague. They usually were when Gray and Adam were involved. They were a fearsome trio, but their fun was harmless. They answered to no one, none of the three men were married, and at the moment none had girlfriends. They had long since agreed that, whatever their situations, they would come aboard [the boat] alone, and spend the month as bachelors, living among men, indulging themselves. They owed no one apologies or explanations, and each of them worked hard in his own way during the rest of the year, Charlie [Kevin] as a philanthropist [read: unemployed screen writer], Adam as an attorney, and Gray as an artist."

Okay, that passage might have had some homoerotic allusions, but it's me -- and Gray and Adam are just good friends, I swear.

Anyhow, I also really secretly kind of dig that lady on 'There's Something About Mary.' Not Cameron Diaz, though she's definitely getting cougerlike, but Magda. That tan skin, like a fine leather; her raisin-like pucker; the experienced cataract-ridden eyes that say, "come here, Tiger" -- I'll take her and an elegant bordeaux any day.

Sincerely,

Kevin

P.S. This post was written by my sister serenading as me. Her extensive vocabulary is a dead giveway that it wasn't me. Other than that - pretty nice impersonation. I would have gone with Two Buck Chuck Charles Shaw, but I'll let her slide!

Ladies Love the Spanish

I'm a man who prides himself on a somewhat extensive vocabulary (beer, boobs, cock, balls, etc.). So it was quite a humbling experience yesterday in my Spanish 2 class when we had to speak to each other and answer questions in Spanish. When I was talking about myself (which I love to do with all strangers), I found that my mind was much more ambitious than my Spanish vocabulary. I had to condense much of my life story to 'I like beach,' 'I like beach a lot,' 'I live in Cupertino,' 'I like eating.' This was quite frustrating, but everytime I thought of something about myself that I wanted to say, I thought better of it because I knew it would open a new can of worms that I would have no means of conveying.

I'm pretty sure everyone was saddened to not hear the story of my 4 point, 4 rebound performance against Saratoga High School my senior year. Or the story of the time I stole Monopoly money in an attempt to beat my sister at a board game. These have become classic tales revered in my mind, that are just waiting to be unleashed on the next unsuspecting female.

Speaking of females. Did I tell you my class is like 7 females and me? Granted they are almost all well over 40, I could sense a bit of desperate housewife in them as I wore my most muscley t-shirt as I pointed to abstract objects that made no sense in my telling of 'Yo vivo en Cupertino' as I flexed and pointed left and right. 'I like the beach' I would say in Spanish and point to nothing in particular, just so my muscles would flex in its peak position. I almost burst a vein in my head I tell ya!

I do have to say, I really love being back in the classroom. Who knew how much you can learn and how fun it is, when you really WANT to learn!?!? I could've made something of myself if I had this attitude as a schoolboy! Instead, I worked all my boyhood life to get to that 4 point, 4 rebound performance. That was the peak of my life.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

The Musings of Idiota Estudiante

Tomorrow I start my Spanish 2 class! I decided to jump to Spanish 2 since I took Spanish 1 twice in high school. Who cares if it was 13 years ago! I got a B- the second time, if I remember correctly. One of my top marks in high school!

My marks were always exemplary in classes the second time around. I just figured I wanted to get a better grasp of the knowledge before moving on and maybe help out some underclassmen along the way. Teachers loved me so much, they would always interrupt me during my teachings and ask me to sit in the front of class! I humored them by obliging. I was also always volunteered to read from the book or answer questions - thanks Seniora Dominguez-Yon. I will write the rest of this post in Spanish to honor you and my thirst for knowledge during my mid-life crisis! (Only 3 months left of my 20s - I gotta do some real stupid stuff before then. Because doing stupid stuff in your 30s just sounds pathetic.)

Hola! Me llamo Kevin. Yo Estoy Aqui. Enrique Iglesias es muy bien! Bailamos es mi favorito! Que hora es? De Donde Vive? Como te llamas? Si, si! Yo como todos los dias! Fin.

Whew... I'm tired now. My brain hurts. I think I'm going to skip my first class.....

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Since I'm a student again, I might as well embrace it. Keg stands and beer bongs here I come! Am I allowed to rush a fraternity in Adult Education?

The Luster of Pre-Party

We all talk about pre-partying all the time. 'Let's pre-party before we go out to the bar,' 'Let's pre-party before we hit up the concert,' ...... today, my friend took it to another level. I was heading out to a happy hour and my friend, the Reverend Seth Orvis, says 'let's pre-party before your happy hour.' I thought that was good, but then I informed him that I was going to go out in San Francisco afterwards and be drinking then too. Then he said, 'let's pre-party for Saturday!' Mind you that it's Friday. Cheers to you Seth Orvis, my hero.

I have been drinking at the pool, but I think this is pretty funny.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. I am now going to pre-party for next weekend.

How I Transfer My Narcissism

Everyone once in awhile I trade in 'excessive love for self' (I had to look it up in the dictionary. I'm a narcissist, not a genius!) and transfer it over to my company. I like to browse Facebook for 7.5 hours of each work day, but during weeks where MerchantCircle makes a press announcement, I tone it down to 5 hours and then work 10 hours on top of that. That's how much sacrifice I make for MerchantCircle. Here are some of our previous press releases - exquisitely written I must say, and the subsequent 'love from the club!' I'm hoping for some of the same later today.

Kevin Garnett summed it up best after he was asked what it was like to win the Championship Trophy with the Celtics, and he said, (but let me put it in my own words): Think back to when you were in grade school. Imagine a bully picked on you every single day. Made fun of you. Embarassed you. Shoved you. Pushed your books off your desk. Ate your lunch. Just going to school and seeing the bully put knots in your stomach. Then imagine one day after relentless torment, you stand up to the bully and with a swift blow, you knock him on his butt. That's what winning this championship feels like. That feeling you get when he's on his butt and you're standing over him. That sense of relief and joy and pride. You've won.

That's how I feel when securing that great piece of press for MerchantCircle. I don't want my name up in lights, I want MerchantCircle's name up there. All my coworkers, my teammates - it's about rewarding them for their hard work.

I love them. Going to work and hanging out with them is a joy. This is how I go to bat for them. The other 48 or so non-press weeks, I go back to loving myself.

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

My Normal Saturday - As Described by My Sister

As I sit next to my sister, my future brother-in-law, and my dad watching Game 5 of the Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals during Father's Day, my sister decides she would like to write my next blog post. I agree. Here is her rendition of my life below:

Midnight: Finally get into the club after waiting outside and pre-partying
in the parking lot. Scour the crowd for interested women -- fail.

1:00:
Frantically try to get the attention of the bartender before last call. Scour
the crowd for drunk women with low standards -- fail.

2:00: Search for
greasy food -- success!

3:00: Go home fall into bed with shoes on.

6:00: wake up, kick shoes off, pee, go back to sleep.

Noon:
Calls start coming in, they are ignored.

1:00: Look at phone, decide to
sleep more.

2:00 pm: get hungry, choose sleep.

3:00 pm: The
sloth arises.

Gym, phone calls, food -- repeat.

Thanks Sis, for summing up my life so well. I will plug your version of my life into every Saturday blog post from here on out, only the name of the bar will be changed.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

My Kind of Humor!

OK, so I've got lots of kinds of humor - tongue in cheek, broad-Jay-Leno-style, dark, cheesy, sexual innuendo, smart, dumb, REALLY dumb - I just like to laugh and make people laugh. Like remember that time I told you I was soooo funny? I'm hilarious actually. It's too bad you guys don't get to hang out with me all the time. I'm pretty busy and all playing Warcraft and ruling the world.

I wish I had made this video from The Onion. Those guys are really funny sometimes.

World of Warcraft is a funny little game that all my techie nerd friends like to play. I actually think that people would buy this game:


'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Life in San Francisco and My New Pussy.... cat

I got up early today to explore my new neighborhood in the city. First off, it was weird getting up before 2pm - I can't believe how many people are so wide awake at that hour! They wanted to talk to me, but I would just grunt.

I really, REALLY like the Lower Pac Heights area on Filmore. I ate at this place called The Grove that was pretty sweet. Only it was so busy, the only seat I could get was facing a pillar. So much for people watching. The weather is awesome though. My car bumper ALREADY got scratched last night. Oh well, what can you do....

I have some really chill roommates, a guy and a girl cousin combo, who I have barely seen in my two weekends here. That's probably a combination of my sleeping hours and them living their lives. They have this black cat named Lucky that listens to commands. It's quite amazing. For instance, I'll say "Get off my BEDDD!" and Lucky will obey. Or "Get back in the house!!" or "Stop trying to claw at my eyeballs!!!" Such a great cat.

My roommates also have one of those dry erase boards that says "Who loves to play beer pong!?" And a quote that's written "I'll do a body shot off Lucky." - Kyle. These are my type of people.

Sincerely,
Kevin
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Country Music is a Hidden Wonderland

I just got done with my first weekend of living in San Francisco and I am flat-out exhausted. I will be a poor, sleepless man, if everyone weekend is this expensive and fun. I probably spent close to $400 this weekend. That economic stimulus check sure didn't last very long, but I hope I did my part in stimulating the economy, starting with every beer garden at Union Street Fair.

Next weekend will probably not be any better, as Kenny Chesney, Brooks & Dunn and Leann Rimes roll into town at AT&T park. The cheap seats at that concert are $77 and don't even get me started on how much beers are at concerts. Factoring in an all-day concert, and I may have to take out a loan before the weekend starts. (I am sitting in my mom's kitchen right now, because this is what I do after expensive weekends - steal food from my family. I'm like the opposite of Robin Hood. Too bad she's not here to tell me funny stories.)

I love country music, and for every guy out there who doesn't know - country concerts are the single-best venue, next to Vegas, with THE hottest girls. So next time, stop yourself short when you say, 'I like all music EXCEPT country.' This isn't your father's country anymore. It's a lot more hip and sexy. Give it a whirl, you might like it.... or at the very least score some bonus points.

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor