Sex and the City = Sausage Fest Weekend

As every girl I know is gearing up to gather with their girlfriends to watch the premiere of Sex and the City this weekend, there will be some inadvertent effects rippling through our social economy. First of all, supermarket shelves will be light in the departments of Cranberry Juice, Lime Juice, Triple Sec, and Vodka - all the ingredients to a Cosmopolitan. Us guys could care less, as long as the there is still Pabst Blue Ribbon and Natural Ice left.

What WILL effect us, is that at first, you may think 'hey, guys night out!' Then you'll realize that every girl will be at the movie theatre with her 15 girlfriends, so you'll hit the bar and see ALL these guys, with THEIR guy's night out. It'll be a disaster and nightmare for men, as we don't normally like to talk to each other much. Fights will break out because of all the testoserone and it'll be ANARCHY!

What will matter the most following the movie, is whether Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker.... shoot, don't act all shocked. This kind of knowledge helps us guys!), ends up with the Mr. Big and gets all gushy and sweet, or if she cruises off, enjoying the single life! If it's the latter, no guy gets any lovin from their girlfriends that night. She will be out ALL night hanging with her girls. If she ends up with Mr. Big, expect some phone calls from your girl because she misses you.

If you do happen to be a bachelor, the best place to be is the movie theatre for every showing of Sex and the City. Listen in on what girls talk about so that you can tell them exactly what they want to hear. Kind of like when Matt Dillon tells Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary, that Harold and Maude is the 'greatest love story of our time.' Be sure you creepily follow the hottest group of girls to the bar they are going to afterwards and give me a call. You can be my wingman anyday! Sike.

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. 'Sike' was the best word ever. Let's bring it back. Sike.

My Life as a Failure

Nobody really liked the vulnerable, introspective Silicon Valley Bachelor. When I wrote this blog post, everyone left these comments as if I was going to commit suicide. One of my best friends said I was depressing. Well DEPRESS THIS MOFO'S!!!! I think I am going through a third-life crisis (I'm almost 30... or midlife crisis, if I live to 60).

So I decided to rent a place for the summer in the city, so that I wouldn't have any regrets when I'm old. For all the time I spent living in Podunk towns in the US, I decided I earned it. I'm still going to live in the Cupertino during the week, but it'll be on like Donkey Kong on the weekends.

But that's not all! It's like my life will end at 30. I also signed up for Spanish classes and Guitar classes during the week - all the things I started and never followed-through with. And two years from the time I started my screenplay, I will be finishing the first draft sometime this month.

If only I had this much fervor in life at an earlier age, I might have made something of myself. Instead, I shall fade into the sunset, acting like I have never tasted alcohol in my life, with each passing moment. It's too late for me... but you kids still have a shot in life. Use me as the benchmark for failure and chase your dreams!

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Sillicon Valley Bachelor

Movies vs. Books vs. Boobs

I've previously written about how reading books can help tech nerds across the valley score some bonus points with gals. Don't think you can cheat the system by watching the movie. It didn't work in high school and it's not going to work today. I recently watched the movie, 'Love in the Time of Cholera' and it was horrendous. Actors should never play old people - it's bush league! The producers should have just hired different actors to play the roles of the characters at different stages of their lives.

Not only that, but the actors were pitiful. I highly doubt they read the book. I apologize to Gabriel Garcia Marquez for Hollywood's atrocious rendering of his classic and beautifully written novel.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. On another note, there were some boobs in the movie - so I HIGHLY recommend! (Just kidding)

The World's Easiest Women: Iceland

Ok, ok, so I haven't been there, nor do I condone such blasphemous behavior as female exploitation - but I feel it is my duty as the 'Silicon Valley Bachelor' to inform you of places to 'attract the interest' of the opposite sex. Since there are no good places in Silicon Valley, let's look at a hidden gem (so I'm told): Iceland!!! Before you have a hearty chuckle, let me tell you of the ramblings of one of my coworkers.

Skeptically, I listened to him as he told me of untold riches in the form of Nordic, blonde hair, blue-eyed, curvaceous girls in a region that is ill-named. I have written about hotspots to go around the world, but this place apparently tops them all. According to him, the girls approach you and if you don't happen to be blonde and blue-eyed, you'll stick out - which is a good thing. You see, Iceland is one of the most geneticially pure countries in the world. I mean, heck, how many Icelandic immigrants have you met? Ever heard of anyone moving there?

A country of 300,000, I decided to do some research of my own and sure enough, I found stories that supported the outrageous claims of my coworker. Apparently, Iceland is a Matriarchal society, where women rule the family. They are independent and unafraid of making the first move. They view sex, as no big deal. Of course, as a former journalist, I must examine both sides and I am certain that this does not represent the entire country. Take this interview on Oprah for example, where a woman has a cow that her country's women are perceived as hoochie mamas. (She didn't say hoochie mamas, but I like those words - so lets go with it.) You will also find what you are looking for in that interview about social norms for women and men.

Here's another blog post that's excellent from a guy, who lays out why the country is the way it is. Did you know that Iceland has had three Miss Universes!?!? For a country of 300,000, that's pretty darn impressive. (Thanks Carlo for that scintillating stat!)

Read this guy's 'day in the life' travel story in Iceland. This proved that my coworker wasn't really as outrageous as I thought. But be prepared: if you want to head to Iceland, the drinks are in the $15-$20 range, and as of today, a ticket to Iceland from SFO is nearly $2,000! That's like 4,000 Jack in a Box Tacos!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

I Love Black Women

I love black women. They own me - literally.

I told this story today at work that everyone seemed to thoroughly enjoy at my expense. For me, I laugh at the experience, but it's a laugh that's secretly riddled with pain and anguish. It all happened in the 5th grade when I was on the Merry-Go-Round. I was young, carefree, maybe even a little reckless. I was a champion 'red light/green light' player, and excellent at 'four corners.' Needless to say, those skills have translated to untold riches for me.

Anyway, it was was my rightful turn on the Merry-Go-Round, when I decided that I would take my rightful place and spin to my heart's content! It was a short-lived dream. I decided I would take my place by removing a gal by the name of 'Stephanie Smith'. (Nervous chuckle). We shoved back and forth a bit, as I wedged my way into her former section of the Merry-Go-Round. She pushed me off. I landed on my feet. I pushed her back and before I knew it, I saw a flurry of punches. I saw three, but felt twelve. You remember that scene in The Matrix when Agent Smith repeatedly punches Neo in the Subway. I was Neo.

I was on my butt before I knew it. But I will tell you, she outweighed me by at least 50 pounds, the hill was slanted in her favor, and the sun was in my eye. I will also tell you another thing, I was ready to unleash a world of pain if it hadn't been for that teacher who got in my way! I think I've gotten over it quite well. It was the last fight I've even been in. Emotionally, I'm a rock. So what? A girl got in a few lucky shots. It doesn't matter that she was black either. Who cares? It only happened 19 years, 3 months and five days ago.

But I will tell you this - if Condoleeza Rice were to run for President and told me to vote for her - I would do it.

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Lover (Not Fighter)

P.S. Hey Stephanie, if you come across this blog post, I hope you're doing good! I miss you. You're so awesome. I don't live in Silicon Valley either, it's just fictional. Um, I live in Florida - bye.

The Cost of Bachelorhood

Being a bachelor is expensive stuff. Girls expect so much these days! A sit-down dinner, some form of transportation, fresh breath, a shower, and the list goes on! Where I draw the line is when they expect me to remember mundane details like what they do for a living and their interests. I mean, us bachelors already have to foot the bill for dinner, drinks, and schenanigans to entertain. (Although, my reporter friend Jessica, once had a guy take her out, and at the end of the meal, he put $10 on the table and said, 'here's my share' and then looked away! Classic! He also didn't get a second date.)

Anyways, because I once took a Statistics class in college and barely passed Geometry my 2nd time around in high school, I plan to honor my teachers by wowing the world with my math skills. I've decided to calculate the cost of being a bachelor using a complicated algorithm that I have submitted to the government to be patented. I call it the 'Alan Parsons Multiplication Project.'

First, I have decided that on average (if you're lucky), you'll spend about $100 on dinner a week taking out dates (that's one date a week, you cheapos). Secondly, as swinging bachelors, you have probably allotted two nights of the week to go out with your guy friends to potentially meet someone drunk enough to make the mistake of giving you their phone number. I have found this cost to be about $50 a night. Now this is where I make my teachers proud. You take that number and 'times' it by 2. And.... that.... number....... equals..... stalling..... (need more fingers)..... (good thing for toes).... it ... equals.... $100!!! Add that to the other $100 you spend for a dinner date and you're spending $200 a week.

Now to complete the 'Alan Parsons Multiplication Project,' you multiply $200 'times' 50 weeks (minus the weeks of Thankgiving and Christmas) and viola! You are spending $10,000 a year to be a bachelor!!!! That only leaves me with $2,000 leftover from my yearly paycheck for food, lodging, and necessities. Hmmmm, let's just say I make $11,200 for sh*ts and giggles, that means I have $100 a month to spend on lotto tickets and strippers!!!

This is not good.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Math sucks!

My Mom is Funny

My mom is the funniest person I know. She has been making me laugh all my life. Tonight, I was sitting at the table with my dad and she comes over to give me a kiss on the cheek and points at my dad and says, 'I love you more than him, because you have my blood and he doesn't' - and then proceeds to push him away even though he is sitting in a stationary spot, minding his own business.

She then said if I finished eating a pear, that I wouldn't have to pay my dad back for a $260 insurance payment. Yummy..... this is the best pear I've ever eaten in my life!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

The Loosely Defined World of COUGARitaville

I like me a Cougar! They make you feel so good about yourself and treat you like a piece of meat. Well, with that fine piece of wisdom said, I just got back from a conference in Seattle and I always make time for my good friends at Call Genie. (To protect the innocent, their names have been changed). So Mark McCormell calls Cherie McMichaels a Cougar (can you guess which one she is above?). Cherie of course looks like she's 23, but in actuality is in her early 30s. She's dating a guy a couple of years younger, so I wondered whether the term 'Cougar' now has a broadened definition that encompasses any woman dating a younger man.

For the record, reliable sources (College Humor) have dubbed the definition of a cougar as:

Definition: A Cougar is a female, usually between thirty and fifty years-old, who enjoys the sexual company of younger men.

Breeding Habits: Cougars are only usually interested in men under the age of twenty-five. Also, Cougars are non-committal, choosing to move from mate to mate without ever settling down. It is not uncommon for the same Cougar to attack (sleep with) many different men in the same group of friends. Furthermore, Cougars are older and more practiced in the ways of snaring a mate so they will rarely broadcast their intentions to sleep with you until you are already in her Jetta, headed for the condo she just bought. It is this elusive behavior that earns her the name "Cougar."

Habitat: Cougars are most often found in bars and other places where alcohol is freely distributed. She can be seen lurking in the shadows, selecting their prey with the precision of a laser-guided missile. Most often, she will have some sort of fruity concoction with a high alcohol content in her hand (see: Appletini), and a slim cigarette dangling from her heavily made-up lips.

Appearance: The Cougar, at first, appears like most older women one sees: slightly drooping breasts, somewhat leathery skin, lightly sunken eyes and clothes just a few years behind the fashion. On closer inspection however, one finds that the Cougar has taken care to make herself appear younger: the makeup is thicker, the clothing is tighter and the perfume is stronger. She clearly has spent hours stuffing her not-18 anymore body into that leather skirt and halter top and desperation reflects that.

Psyche: The Cougar is a complex emotional creature. Remember, most of her friends are probably married and have kids by now. This, naturally, leaves her feeling lonely and useless, which explains her need for companionship. However, being an older woman, she is at the peak of her sexual ability which is why she preys on younger men (who are also at the peak of their sexual ability). This odd pairing -Cougar and twenty-three year old guy - can be seen at last call in bars all over the
country every weekend.

As I am well-impressed with the definition given, I'm going to go with it, but I would have to disagree with my friend Mark - Cherie does not reek of Cougarism. I'm going to say in order to be a Cougar, you have to have at least shown some signs of aging - to which Cherie hasn't. The term is thrown out there so much these days, I wonder if it is even offensive? I sure hope not. Cherie seemed ok with it. But inside, maybe she was fuming - who knows? Her coworker Jolie Mizerati then asked me whether she looked older than Cherie, to which I am no great fool. So using my razor sharp canine senses, I quickly said 'I don't know' and looked away.

Miss Jolie also informed me that if she didn't know me, she would hate me from reading my blog, citing evidence of cockiness! I argued adamantly that I am very self-deprecating, very humble, and would never, EVER tout my amazing virtues. Ridiculous..... And for the record, you DO look older than Cherie - B*TCH!!!!

Just kidding, hahaha, I am SOOOO funny. My next post will be about how funny I am.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. I love you Jolie, you're my favorite - next to Mark and Cherie.