My Love for a Whale's Vagina

I recently returned to the town where I became a man. (Pause for Emphasis)

(I left some blank space for dramatic effect too). It's such a memorable time when you move away from home for the first time, learn to ignore bills that come in the mail, use your tuition money for food and booze, read textbooks over your classmates shoulders, wake up whenever you feel like it..... wait a second, ok, apparently my growth to manhood is not yet complete. Where was I? Ahh yes, returning to San Diego, greatest city in the history of mankind. Discovered by the Germans in 1904 - they named it San Diego - which of course, in German means, a Whale's Vagina. But don't take my word for it, who better to trust than Ron Burgundy?


Well, I hadn't been to a Whale's Vagina in a couple of years, and turns out - I REALLY missed it. I was there for my good friends, Ross and Channel's wedding, and met up with about 30 of my old college buddies. It was a freakin' blast. I ate Carne Asada Fries three times in 48 hours and if any of you know me, you'll know that I frequently ask friends to bring me Carne Asada Fries if they're coming from San Diego. (Note: No one has yet to take me up on the offer, probably because they think I'm joking, but I would never joke about something as serious as Carne Asada Fries. I love them.) Smothered in succulent, tender morsels of Carne Asada, topped with guacamole, sour cream, and gobs of heart-stopping cheese, I live to pour red salsa like only my three favorite Mexicans know how to make - Sr. Cotixan, Sr. Roberto, y Sr. Ramon. (Impressed with my 'y'? Don't forget, I took Spanish 1, three times in high school.)

Besides my Carne Asada Fries comas, a side note was the wedding that got in the way of eating my fries. I love those guys and gals I went to college with, it was like a reunion. And everytime I'd come out of my alochol-induced blackouts, it'd be like a reunion all over again. I avoided a near disaster when I almost dropped the groom's mom on her head while dancing. Luckily the table was there to cushion our fall. We had an awkward laugh about it during Sunday brunch - ahhh, good times.

After brunch, we headed over to Pacific Beach and hung out all day and hit balls back and forth using a paddle. I'm not sure what the game is called, but me and my friend Bryce really sucked. Of course we were drinking some weird concoction of booze in a thermos all day. I swear, we hit the same girl like 8 times with that red ball. Of course, it's always a great first line when you can go up to someone and say, "I'm sorry I keep hitting you with my balls."

Man, I really, REALLY didn't grow up.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

8 Ways Silicon Valley is Taking it to "The Man"

There's little doubt that Silicon Valley has thrown the 'establishment' for a loop. Old media, like network television, radio, newspapers, Yellow Pages, are shaking in their boots as Silicon Valley startups innovate and capture the world's attention at a startling pace (and more importantly, taking advertising dollars with them). The problem with old media and the 'establishment' is that they come from old money and old money has old traditions. It's an exclusive society that moves at a snail's pace and doesn't welcome outsiders - their pulse on their audience comes from research firms. Fortunately, Silicon Valley has forced its way into the business lexicon.

As old media tries to revamp its online strategy and cut back on unnecessary expenses - like employee benefits and salaries - Silicon Valley is rewriting the book on employee morale and business etiquette. As a former 'old media' employee (I worked in local television news), and current start-up employee, the differences are less than transparent. Here's a list of ways Silicon Valley is rewriting the book:

1. Golf is dead - it used to be that business deals were sealed on the course. Nowadays, a Silicon Valley business deal can go down on the Wii! A few months ago, and this is no joke, a MerchantCircle deal was sealed over a few weeks of meetings playing Halo 3 and Call of Duty 4.

2. Too strong handshakes say 'I'm capable and solid, but I will never innovate' - I had a friend the other day who told me a guy shook her hand so hard, the ring on her finger left her with a welt! She was angry about this unnecessary handshake, which totally spells out, 'I'm old school.' I don't think anyone is impressed with strong, painful handshakes anymore. If you are, you're old. When shaking, go with firm and sturdy.

3. Put away the Tie - I've written about the death of my ties - too which I have some really, REALLY nice ones - but there's just no need. Recently, I went to a Yellow Pages Conference (the oldest of old media, especially in innovation) and even they were beginning to take heed, as over half the participants were tie-less. You will never find a tie at an internet conference. T-shirt, blazer - you're good to go.

4. 8am to 5pm? Only if she's 5'3' - OK, so that made no sense, but I had to pay tribute to Sir-Mix-a-Lot and his revolutionary ideas that mobilized a generation of thought - similar to Silicon Valley. Gone are the days when you had to be in the office at 8am. People are working their own hours as they fit their schedule and production best.

5. What you do matters - I suspect there are a ton of companies who have employees who don't ever get to see what they contribute to the end product. That's not the case with Silicon Valley companies - almost everyone has an integral part in their company and if you don't pull your weight, good luck trying to hide that from your coworkers.

6. Innovation and changing course happen everyday - Unlike George W., Silicon Valley analyzes situations and can reverse course and revamp strategy based on market conditions. This happens quickly and ideas and employees that don't work - are scrapped.

7. Alcohol is acceptable in the office - this was a crazy concept for me to get used to. You get fired for that kind of stuff in Old Media. I first heard about it from my buddy who works at EA, telling me that every Friday the company would roll out a few kegs and leave them out by the soccer field. At start-ups beer is a commonly stocked item in the refrigerator - and people celebrate at their own discretion.

8. Age is nothing but a number - no longer do kids fresh out of college or grad school have to waste years working as a peon trying to work their way up the corporate ladder - you want to be a VP of Business Development? Director of Marketing? You can be. Head to Silicon Valley, where people can make things happen without corporate bureacracy ageism, racism, or sexism. Now THAT is sexy.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Listen to the Woman... especially when it comes to Apt. 24

Here I am in my hotel room in LA at 3am writing this blog post - finished with my first wave of work. Rather than go to sleep, I thought of my blog and how therapeutic and relaxing it is for me to write. Thanks for humoring me and reading.

This last weekend I went to a place in San Francisco called Apartment 24, where the old Dolce used to be. Apparently it just reopened, and my good friend Vivian suggested I take my friend from Brazil there. Let me tell you, I have never seen such a disproportionate ratio in my life..... but here's the kicker: they were all FEMALE! I was like 'holy schnikes, what the heck is going on here?!?' I proceeded to bask in my good luck by buying all my friends Patron shots.

The odd thing about the plethora of women, was that I felt all awkward. I went out to the dance floor and literally had a girl to the left of me, to the right, behind - like 3 rows deep. I couldn't take it and I went back to the bar for more libations. I normally like to swoop in after the women have sized up all the other tools to realize that I'm a special tool. This abundance of women though, threw my game all out of whack.

The cool thing was, I felt no rush to hit on any girls because there were so many of them - so I really enjoyed the company of my friends, which I don't normally do. I learned so many great things about them - like their names, jobs, heck, my best friend even got married!! Man, friendship is grand I tell ya. So grand, by the time I assumed my rightful position on the dance floor, the ratio had went back to 60-40 male. Bastards!

So the lessons here? Forget about 'friends' - they suck. Go to a club early (I'd say 10:30, 11ish), don't let the opportunity pass you by, and hit on those hot girls before they leave - because you know hot, classy, respectable girls don't stay around past midnight. I don't know why, but it's probably because being a tool is one thing, but a drunk tool? Too much.

Also, if you're going to go to Apt. 24, go soon, because pretty soon it'll be filled with dudes and it'll be just like you're in San Jose again.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. If a girl suggests you go somewhere: do it. If they like it, other girls probably like it too!

Hola Mi Amor ... that's Hello My Love to you Silly Americans!

In my travels, I've spent a lot of time in Spanish speaking countries. Towards the end of my trip, I've always convinced myself that I know how to speak spanish - so that when I speak it to women, I have so much bravado, I essentially sound and look like the guy below (in terms of mannerisms). I'm not kidding. Have a look for yourself to get a sense of 'my game':



Adios,
Kevin L.
El Silicon Valley Bachelorio

Either Lower Your Standards or Move to New York

I didn't go out this last Saturday for the first time in recent memory. I think I have issues. I've been doing it for so long, that I didn't know what to do with myself. I knew I wanted and needed to work on my screenplay - but instead I found myself cleaning the house and wondering what I'd be doing if I were out each moment I looked at the clock.

Like at midnight, I was like 'hmmm, this is probably where I would spill my first drink on my shirt and not notice it until the next day.' Or at 1am, I was like 'this is probably where I ask a girl the same question I asked her two minutes ago.' At 2am, I was thinking 'this is where I'd be rushing to the parking lot to beat the traffic to Jack in a Box.' At 3am, I looked at my bed and thought 'this bed just doesn't seem right without a few curly fries laying by my pillow next to a 5.' (See earlier post).

Oh well, it really doesn't matter - take a look at this chart bellow that shows we're about 100,000 single women in the hole. That's a pretty huge discrepancy - but great news for you gals....and some guys (not that there's anything wrong with that)! I found the chart on Richard Florida's (not to be confused with Flo Rida, the rapper. I think that's what the kids are listening to these days) Who's Your City site.

That just means you severely game-challenged guys in Silicon Valley are just going to have to up the stakes and sell a few more start-ups and then move your butts to New York, where there are 210,000 more single women than men!!!! Gals like Julia Allison might await you (but probably not). She's received a fair amount of scrutiny from local bloggers for coming to the Valley from New York to search for some tech love. Who cares? She's still the hottest girl who's ever attended a tech event. Why she chose the Valley, I don't know. Too bad I don't like blue dots....

Sincerely,

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. The picture of Allison is from Valleywag and shows off her .... errr the men she has to choose from. Good choice Julia!

Best Single's Beaches in the World

I'm an avid beach connoisseur (arguably the most difficult word I've ever tried to spell) - always in search of the next beach destination. I love laying right where the water laps onto the soft sands of the beach - just far enough so that the water won't mess up my hair (that last part is troubling for me)..... It's really quite peaceful. Even though my single friends continue to dwindle and my unemployed friends are finding jobs, I remain optimistic that I will continue to travel to remote beach locations with good, quality wingmen and that I may find a new unemployed traveling buddy around every corner.

While I love beaches for the softness of sand and blue water, what crazy single guy doesn't hope for a happy ending? We can't all be the Jonah's Brothers, so for all others - here's my list of top single's beaches where there's a good chance you might get lucky. And if you're a Silicon Valleyian (Valleyite?).... where you might WATCH someone get lucky. Sorry guys, these girls still have standards....

(While specific beach names may be mixed with city names or regions -- just get over it. Who remembers names of beaches in foreign tongues? Heck, I couldn't even remember my sister's birthday until I was 18!!! Give me a break.):

8. Mission Beach, San Diego - this is my college hometown beach. One of the remaining few around SD that still allows you to drink in the open. Most of the beach goers here are working as servers or bartenders and are transplants from the midwest. They spend their tip money on copious amounts of alcohol while their bank accounts remain in the $13 range. I know from first-hand experience. The good thing about people without a life plan is that they live for the moment, thus the possibility that they may regret in the morning when they wake up next to you.

7. Waikiki Beach, Oahu - well.... what can you say about tourists? They're always more down for schenanigans, although this beach isn't higher on the list, because there's a good chance you're going to meet someone who is here with their parents AND staying in the same room. Good luck with that.

6. South Beach, Miami - This place has got some extreme curves and an amazing amount of dental floss as a swimsuit. And that's just me! The clubs are a headache to get into, but well-worth it once you do. I tend to play Will Smith's 'Miami' the entire flight over. Listen to the man when he says "...every different nation, spanish, haitian, indian, jamaican, black, white, cuban and Asian."

5. Mykonos, Greece - Those crazy Euros like to go all topless on ya at the beach. Not to mention, I wish someone had sent me the memo that I was suppose to wear short biker-tights-speedos like Daniel Craig in James Bond. Instead I stood out like a sore thumb with my long board shorts - casually hiking them up every chance I got. Anyway, of all the Greek Islands, this is one of the major party spots.... and did I mention topless?

4. Cancun, Mexico - While Euros party hard and are crazy, Americans party hard and are sloppy. I think it has something to do with them having partied since they were 15 and Americans not getting to do anything until 21 .... unless...... you're going to MEXICO! Because of the American parameters, sloppy drunk women for everyone!

3. Cabo San Lucas, Mexico - I'm a big fan of more intimate party scenes. Cancun can sometimes just be chaotic and there's just too many choices. I loved the fact that people are limited to pretty much one party beach in Cabo where the jams are blasting and pretty much two clubs house everyone. You get to know people by day 3 and if you strike out on day 4, you can always find the day 2 girl and rekindle the romance.

2. Tamarindo, Costa Rica - Let me reiterate intimacy - intimacy breeds quality. Long-lasting relationships and friendships (although, trust me on this, you'll lose touch sooner than later - so why bother?). Anonymity can be good sometimes, but I prefer the places where you meet people and hang out with them the whole time you're on vacation.

1. Phi Phi Island, Thailand - This was a difficult decision, but I think in terms of sheer quality, Phi Phi is the best. It's about a 90 minute boat ride from Phuket, but really worth it, because Phuket is filled with old creepy white guys with girls that look 16. Shame on them. I've previously written about Phi Phi, but it's just a cheap, fun, intimate party scene with hot women.

So there you go! My favorite beaches for possible hanky panky. Keep in mind that Ibiza has not been calculated and will probably be my next trip - unless I have a girlfriend. If that happens, going to Ibiza would be torture. I'd probably reroute to a couple's haven like Maui or start working on weekends.

Cheers,
Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

I Told the Truuuuuuuth!!!!

I just found my favorite commercial as a kid. It may be the reason why I tell the truth and why I listen to all commercials. Too bad I didn't go Mormon. I'd be married with 8 kids by now. It may also explain why I break out into song in normal everyday situations.



Go Carleton!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Truth Teller

When 29 Gets to be Old

I'm sitting at the airport right now in Phoenix in deep reflection. I mean deep. I think I need to stop drinking so much Red Bull vodka. I'm sad and nostalgic. I just got done with my friends Erin and Stefan's wedding. They even had me be master of ceremonies - why? Probably because of my deep Barry White/James Earl Jones-type voice and Brad Pitt-type good looks. It may also be because of my humility, but probably more because of my good looks.

This may seem unbecoming of such a swinging bachelor, but I'm sad that all my friends are finding such great partners while I'm still mired in the batter's box. I have another good friend's wedding in a few more weeks and my sister's in August. I'm so happy for all of them, but my remaining single friends are quickly dwindling. Is 29 old? Maybe I should start drinking Ensure with my vodka.

Is it that I'm too picky? I don't ask for much. I just want to find a girl who doesn't smoke, wants kids, drinks, loves to travel, has a job, smart, funny, down-to-earth, can be classy and elegant in an evening gown and equally as comfortable wearing a baseball cap going to a ballgame, likes to try new things, communicates well, loves to dance, likes or is willing to listen to country music..... that's not too bad is it? I'm tired of dating. But who knows? The grass always LOOKS greener on the other side.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Off to Vegas now for work, but even Vegas leaves me with an empty feeling these days.