What Happens in Vegas, Never STAYS in Vegas

So I was in Vegas this weekend for my buddy's bachelor party - and unlike what the commercials say, 'what happens in Vegas DOES not stay in Vegas!' Too bad for you, I follow all directives from commercials, including when Alfonso Ribeiro told me to 'tell the truth' as a young child..... Anyway, what happened in Vegas is between me, 18 guys, the A.R.T girls, and the 3 random girls in the taxi with me when I regained consciousness.....

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

When an Ex Gets Engaged....

I'm a fan of all my exes. I love them all! They all had such great qualities that at one time or another held me captive for months or maybe a few hours.... then I would get distracted by things like flashing stop lights, pretty rainbows, commercials and things of that nature. Anyway, where was I? My exes.....

I recently had an ex who got an engaged. As far as I know, I was the last serious boyfriend she had before this engagement, which is kind of weird. I even saw pictures on MySpace of her engagement and her new family meeting the old. By all means, I am sooooo happy for her because I know this is what she wanted so desperately. It's only weird because we kind of went down that same road where our parents met each other too. Crazy!

In no way do I want to be with her, but I am still a fan. I just know so much about her, as do many of my exes, and can't help but cheer that she found the right guy. That's why I've never really understood why people can't be friends with their exes. You just get to know someone so well, you like them so much, and then all of a sudden nothing? It just doesn't seem right.

Seeing the pictures did give me a sense of the path I could have been down - and how distant I am to that scenario today. It's kind of sad that everyone is finding that right person except for me. My good friend Sasha (one of my first 'flings') got engaged last month and one of my best friends Josh both also got engaged last week. They are two of the coolest and most generous people I know. Congratulations to all the lovers in the world!

I hate you.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley BACHELOR!!!!

P.S. Come meet up with me at the Peacock Lounge in Sunnyvale, where all the single losers hang out and count down the days of their lives. They make strong drinks too!

Dance-By Freakings and Transexual Pickup Lines

Guys: Whatever you do, don't go up to a girl at a club or bar and just start freakin' them from behind. That's so early 90s and that stuff just doesn't fly anymore. OK, maybe 5% of the time with THE most hammered girls in the club, but really, it's just tacky. Unless you know that a face-first approach will get you no love and this dance-by freak session is the only play you get every week, then try walking up to a girl before she steps onto the dance floor and just say hi.

Avoid cheesy lines. Whatever you do, don't compliment her or say something that she's probably already heard all her life or has no answer to. For instance, saying 'you are so pretty,' or 'your eyes are beautiful' will not elicit a response of 'I knooooow, I AM so pretty. Some people think I get if from my mom or dad, but I think God really blessed me.' What typically happens is they'll just smile and say thanks - end of awkward hit-on session. Their looks, or eye color (for the most part) is not something they made a conscious decision about earlier in the day.

If you're going to open your mouth, say something that will engage them in lively discussion - like, 'man, your girlfriend looks WAAAYYY more faded than you do,' or 'your drink looks amazing, can I have it?'

It's also good to talk with someone first, as my friend will attest. You see, in Thailand, tranny capital of the world, my buddy didn't spend enough time talking with a gal before finding out she was a he! He even got freaky from behind and started to pitch the tent! He found out she was a he, when he went to the bar with her and the bartender asked whether he liked "Man-aise." He was baffled at first, then the smirks between bartenders helped him see the light. Give him credit though, he still bought the shemale his/her drinks before saying he had to go and look for me.

It could've been much worse. The shemale could've gone all Crying Game on him - although, I would have taken immense pleasure in his unfortunate situation! Anyway, remember when out: no dance-by freakings, compliment her booze and then grab it from her hand and drink it, and make sure you check for enlarged Adam's Apple.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

The Secrets of Hot European Tourists (and two so-so Americans) Revealed!

My vacation was great. Then again, I've never had a vacation that wasn't. But if I had to do it all over again, I would have scheduled the beach and relaxation for last. As it was, I did Bangkok for 3 days, then Phuket for one, Phi Phi Island for two, back to Phuket for one, then to Taipei for six. What I should have done was Phi Phi for 12 days and then back home.

I kid you not, when I say that the Island was single-handedly the best spot for hot girls I have ever seen in my life. Everyone I met was from Sweden, Norway, Australia or the UK. Me and my buddy Brian were the only ones from the states, but we didn't care. Unless you hate hot blondes (think Tiger Woods' Elin Nordegren), then avoid Phi Phi. Not only was it full of cheap food (you could eat a meal for about $2), everyone was 20-something, on vacation and having a good time.

I even yukked it up with some Aussies and Swedes by the pool who were having a laugh at the expense of the U.S. I swam over to respond saying we had the best national anthem around - to which they heartily agreed. We commenced to drinking more, quoting Anchor Man and Entourage, and it was good times. You see, there is a universal language on beach vacations - and that's the language of 'booze.'

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Stay tuned for my next post this week on transexuals and my buddy's near mistake of mythic proportions.

Books Women Love

OK guys, put the 'CSS-html-java-open-source-firefox-and-Me' book down please! I just got back from my stint away from the valley and learned that (surprise, surprise) women don't like that kind of stuff - not that I would ever have a coding book on me, much less understand it. Let me explain how what you read can really, REALLY help spark a conversation with a lady and not another member of the Klingon nation.

Before my trip to Thailand, I decided to pick up a book at the airport to help me cope with my ensuing 15 hour flight. What I settled in on was a book by Gabriel Garcia Marquez titled, 'Love in the Time of Cholera' - and what a decision it turned out to be. (Although I had to debate long and hard between picking up the Nobel Prize winning book or a copy of US Weekly and reading about K-Fed's bulging belly line.)

Even though I was a little concerned that there were no pictures in the book, I was soon to find out that 'Love in the Time of Cholera' was a bonafide (pardon the un-PC) chick-magnet! That was not my intention when I first bought the book; I just wanted to see what kind of book wins a Nobel Prize and I also remembered that a girl I briefly talked to loved Marquez. Trust me: when all else fails - listen to the woman.

Girls were always commenting on the book I was holding, and it even helped reverse the tide with a German gal in Bangkok who was probably surprised I even knew how to read. So fellas, please put down your Warren Buffet, Donald Trump get-rich-book and at least read a book or two that women love. Start with 'Love in the Time of Cholera,' not just because women love it, but because it's well-written and has some of the most elegantly poetic prose I've read in awhile. It will definitely help with those unpoetic code-like IMs and emails you probably write when courting your online chat-room gals. StarfoxXX69 will love it! (You will too, until you find out she's a he!)

Good Luck,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Stay-tuned all this week for posts and pics of my Thailand/Taiwan trip!