Goodbye Silicon Valley

When I tell people I'm going to Thailand - I typically get the skeptical 'you pervert' look that they try so desperately to hide. How crazy that an entire country has become synonomous with prostitution. For the record, I'm a thinly-veiled pervert, not an openly soul-less pervert. I've never been one for strip clubs and I would just as soon give up in life if I had to resort to paying for sexual gratification. (But I would offer my forbidden fruit to someone for the right price! Say a Big Mac w/cheese, no onions?)

Well, this next trip of mine in my conquest of all the world's beaches, will take me to Phuket and maybe one or more of the surrounding islands, like Phi Phi - home of the Leo DiCaprio movie 'The Beach'. I never saw the movie, but I can't wait to practice my punching like Leo did in the previews. Somehow, I don't think that's caught on as much as running up the steps in Philly.

Finally, I'll embark on a pilgramage back to the maiden country, Taiwan, where my parents grew up in. I've never been there, so I plan to walk around and say to random strangers 'I'm home. Welcome me in your arms, my people.' I'll hug them and shush them as I say, 'cry no more, your prodigal son has returned.'

This trip will be a much needed break. It's been a year and a half since I've been immersed in Silicon Valley and its ways, working for MerchantCircle. I'm eager to ditch the BlackBerry and its constantly flashing red-light that enslaves me. I can no longer take the incessant burning sensation that I'm missing something if I don't log into my Facebook or Myspace account. I'm tired of reading TechCrunch every waking moment and checking to see which random stranger wants to be my contact on LinkedIn. I hate that I check Google Analytics far too often to see my referring sources, traffic, and unique visits to this very blog. Who really cares?

I'm a slave to this virtual world and I love it and hate it. At this moment, I feel empty and a bit sad. There are many other reasons, but tomorrow I will be shedding a large part of my life over the last 1.5 years .......... I'm leaving my laptop at home. I will miss you Facebook, Myspace, TechCrunch, ValleyWag, LinkedIn, Yahoo Fantasy Sports (don't fret, I've already set my fantasy basketball team all the way through mid-March. PLEASE don't anyone get injured!), Google Calendar, Blogger, Dictionary.com, Wikipedia, YouPorn (see!! thinly veiled), and of COURSE MerchantCircle.

I love you.....

Sincerely,
Kevin Leu
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. You thought I was going to get serious didn't you? But for real, I love you and will miss you Mom, Dad, Alda, Jessica, Jessalyn, Reza, Wes, Hendo, Patty, Seth, Jenny, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins..... If anything happens to me, please set my fantasy lineup for me sis.

How a Real Man Uses Post-It Notes

My buddy sent me this pic and I thought it was hilarious - particularly for me, because I always, ALWAYS forget names of girls I'm talking to. I normally employ the 'it's LOUD, why don't you just enter your phone number in my phone?' and shove it into their hand as I secretly gaze over her shoulder to check what name she's entering.


















Now I'm just going to ask a name, pull out my post-it notes, write the name down and place it gently on her forehead. You know? Those 'hello my name is' stickers might work pretty good as well. I've never been slapped before, but this could potentially break that streak! If not, what a funny little ice-breaker to be followed-up with discussion of how great MAC makeup is.....

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

How Wearing Makeup Helps with the Ladies

I took a break from my glamorous lifestyle last weekend to step back into the world of reporting. If you've been counting (which I would be very disturbed if you have), it's been almost 21 months, 3 weeks, 4 days since I've been 'on-air' (not that I'm counting). That's excluding my forays as product spokeperson for MerchantCircle - to which I do a pretty darn good job! It's great to finally be able to put these good looks to use again. Sometimes I feel bad sleeping, because no one can see how good I look in those wasted hours.

So the freelance gig I got was reporting for NADA-TV for the National Automobile Dealers Association Convention at the Moscone Center in San Francisco. I got to interview Bill Ford, Chairman of Ford Motors, and Mark Fields, President of the Americas, which was pretty neat talking to two people who ensure the jobs of so many Americans. First off, I had to dust off my makeup - MAC that is. It's the best, and my face deserves it! (Just kidding, it probably deserves plastic surgery). Anyway, everytime I think about MAC makeup, I think about that TLC song '...all the makeup that MAC can make, but if, you can't see inside you.....' I bet they never thought a guy would be humming that song everytime he put on his MAC makeup.

I mostly use makeup to take the shine away, but there are some guy reporters who cake it all over their face, it's quite alarming if you ask me. Then again, could you imagine being broadcast in hi-def, with every pore left open for analysis? I digress - other than occasional weird stares from guys and girls alike, it's actually a pretty good conversation starter. I can't tell you how many situational stories I've been able to pull out of my butt about wearing makeup. It breaks the ice and girls love stories of humor, humility, and modesty.

So go out there and buy yourself some MAC makeup, 'borrow' a dress from your mom, and parade yourself around the house for an evening. You'll feel good about it. And you SURE will have some stories to tell.

Sincerely,

Kevin Leu

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Don't forget to hide your 'junk' - Silence of the Lambs style - you'll be glad you did!

What Valley Guys Do in Their Spare Time

In another stunning sign of valley life - my buddy today showed me what he built. Unlike anyplace else in the world, it wasn't an octabong (we did that in college), but a computer in a box. I was flabbergasted by the nerdiness of it all.

I congratulate you friend. But to protect your future chances of scoring with women, I will withhold your name.

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Haircuts, Oil Changes, and now Miss Michigan if you work at Google

As if Google needed one more reason to be the best place to work in the world..... they just hired Miss Michigan. I couldn't believe it when I saw the picture off Valleywag of Gina Valo. I don't even really care that she's Miss Michigan, it's more that it's unreal to have a gal that beautiful working in the valley. She'll stand out even more than normal - being as we have sub-par looking folks around here. She'll be like Aishwarya Rai, only in Silicon Valley.

I don't even know if anyone has figured out what she does - but I can guarantee you she has boosted morale for all the guys working at Google. If Google's smart, they'll keep her away from the engineering cubicles so that work will get done. Unlike the gym, guys in cubes don't work harder to impress the women.

"Hey Michigan, get a load of the code I just wrote. See that combination of C ++ and A-H-REF? Nice huh? More where that came from if you know what I mean....."

I'm sure there will be plenty of guys who will be clamoring to be her Bobby Brown, Alec Baldwin, or K-Fed. Me? I just want to be her Burt Reynolds.

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor