My Gay Dream That Came True

I strongly detest drama - bad drunks, jealousy, impatience, insecurity - all of these things can lead to my ire (drama-free ire, that is!). You can imagine my disdain this last weekend when I woke up in my bed with a Sheriff's Deputy standing in my doorway telling me to wake up. At first I thought this was a Lt. Jim Dangle impersonator, and then I didn't see him wearing tight shorts. My second thought was, oh this must be a private dancer that would soon be followed by a construction worker, an American Indian, a sailor, a biker (my favorite), and a cowboy.

Apparently, I looked at the clock, saw that it was 6:30 in the morning, looked at the Deputy, gave him the finger, and went back to bed. I remember my initial thoughts, but not the finger. My friend, who was sleeping in the other room was apparently behind the Deputy and informed me the next day of my actions. You see, I had hosted a pre and post-party at my house for my buddy's 30th birthday. During the post-party, one of the "attendee's" psycho girlfriend stormed past me through the garage with fireballs in her eyes. Dramatic-sounding, I know, but I kid you not. I had never seen such evil venom spewing from someone's eyeballs.

She brushed right past me, grabbed her boyfriend by the shoulder blades and neck from behind(who was seriously guilty of nothing) and threw him into the garage. Before I had a chance to pick up my jaw, she had proceeded to slap, kick, and jump him - I'm not all completely sure, because I was busy worrying about whether she had damaged one of the Jack in the Box tacos that was in his hands. Before I could check up on the taco, they had made their way onto the street with her trying to strangle him while hanging on his back. He had to throw her off his back, which he did, but apparently it was not a soft landing on the concrete.

She began screaming in the middle of my street that she was going to call the cops. Over and over she screamed this. At this point, I calmly, and undramatically thought to myself, I have to live here. While I may not know my neighbors, even though we've owned this house since '92, this is still Cupertino - quietest family neighborhood on earth. Rather than jump into this chaotic scene, I just decided to keep saying 'shh, sshhh, shhh' over and over from 25 yards away. I am drunk at this point, but relatively calm. My roommate starts banging on her door to shut us up, because her door is right next to the front door. I am standing next to 4 guys who continue to curse their heads off, surprised at the scene that just developed in front of us. I decide to 'SSHHHHH, SSHHHH' even louder to no avail.

Finally, I usher everyone into the house, where we sit on the couch and talk about the night's events. I used some eloquent words in my account of the events to my drunken friends. They are impressed with my words. I remember this, and think: 'hey, I can form drunken eloquent thoughts every once in awhile.' At this point, I'm pretty sure I grab several blankets, tell my guests of the couch they are sitting on and the spare bedroom. Then I go to my room, get naked, like I normally do before bed, and crawl in - knowing that I will sleep until 2pm, at least, but alas, this was not to happen.

About an hour and a half later, I'm told by my friends, the cops were banging on my back sliding door window saying: 'open the door, or we're going to break it down.' I am not happy learning this the next day at 3pm when I wake up. First of all, I've watched 'Training Day' with Denzel Washington many times, and I'm quite certain cops need a search warrant to break down your door. "King Kong ain't got nothin' on me!" I also learned that there were 5 Deputies in my house. Now c'mon, I know this is Cupertino, and most people commit their crimes in cyberspace, but 5 cops?!??! And I flipped off one of them!

Well, after that infamous flip-off, I remember telling the Deputy about the 'crazy' spectacle I saw earlier. My words were much less eloquent, and I only had basketball shorts on. I'm not sure if I put them on while he was standing there or what.... but I don't really want to know. I went immediately back to bed after this interrogation, only to be awakened once more by another Deputy and giving the same statement. I like sleep so much, that I didn't care that there were cops roaming around my house. I went directly back to bed, and slept well actually. I woke up at 11am to relieve myself, saw one friend sleeping on the couch, the front door wide open, back sliding door wide-open, and the garage door wide open. I closed them all and peacefully slept until 3pm.

When I finally came-to, I was more angry about the all the clumps of dirt those Deputies tracked around my house, than them disturbing my rest. Those stupid boots of theirs retain everything! I had to vacuum and then Swisher my floors for two hours! I would file a complaint, but cops in Cupertino have nothing to do, they would make my life hell.

Oh, and my "party guest" got arrested and spent 2 nights in jail too, but that d*mn dirt - I'll never get over it!!!! Drama = No Friendship. Dirt on Floor = Lifetime Banishment. Gay Dream That Came True = One Too Many Episodes of Reno 911.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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4 comments :

  1. Next time you're looking for a job, you might want to take down this post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sorry for your Buddy, he has to follow up one night of Psycho Ho'd with 2 days of cover my corn-hole.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Why!?!? I don't need to look for a job. I've made $5.12 from Adsense in roughly one and a half months. Booyeah!

    In fact, I'm thinking about expanding my staff to cover other valleys. Castro Valley..... Death Valley. I need to hire some beat writers, so if you'd like a lucrative position, stationed in Death Valley, I will get you domain name DeathValleyBachelor.com.

    ReplyDelete
  4. wow. i had a lot of posts to catch up on and i'm glad this one made the grande finale.

    ReplyDelete

 
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