Why a Recession Doesn't Scare Me

My friend sent me a text the other day, saying: 'Congratulations, your naivete in financial matters really saved your life.' After I looked up the word 'naivete,' I happily laid in bed thinking about how I never invested in 401K or bought a house. Instead, I invested heavily in alcohol. Consumption that is. It's all in my belly..... or was, mostly, until redistribution at 5am on various mornings. Not to be insensitive to other people's predicaments, but I always felt a step behind as my college friends were buying houses, cars, and getting their 401K matched by their employers. Now I can say - Boo YEAH!!!!

Hording money in CDs and Savings Accounts wasn't so stupid afterall, huh!?! It was actually a well-crafted strategy of pretend naivete. (Did I use that right?) Anyway, I just never really trusted putting my money into an "open market" with highs and lows. I'm blue collar - I don't like to think anything comes for free. I always meant to buy a house in every TV market I was in, but thank goodness I didn't. Can you imagine? I could be a home-owner in Pocatello, Idaho, or Redding, California, or better yet, Columbus, Ohio.

One thing that's helped me horde cash? I still live like I did when I was making $18,500 a year in my first job in Pocatello (albeit, with the occasional $300 bar tab on weekends). My mom was also giving me a $200 a month allowance on top of that - bless her sweet heart! Unlike a lot of Americans, I never lived above by means. I never bought something with money I didn't have. Credit cards only built up credit - they were paid off each month. If you can't pay them off each month, you might as well cut them up. The interest rate will kill you.

I also think that housing prices coming down is a GREAT thing. People were just getting out-priced by these ridiculous home costs. Hopefully they'll continue to drop, so that working class people can actually afford the homes once again - live the American dream of owning property! And once that happens, prices will start to stabilize and go up again from increased competition. Shame on all the people who bought numerous properties to make a profit - driving prices up in the process. Those guys can eat it for all I care - and they most likely can afford it as well.

So take some financial advice from the SVB - go eat at your parents house, pre-drink before the clubs like a mofo, and horde cash underneath your mattress. Remember to lay in it occasionally to make yourself feel like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal. And whenever you hear anyone coming, get paranoid and start hyperventillating and saying: 'NOTHING.... I'M DOING NOTTHHINNG. GO AWAY. I HAVE A GUN!!!!' When you're 80, single, and have lots of cash, you'll thank me.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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4 comments :

  1. You are a lucky mofo, and you deserve it. Like the time you found a crumpled up $20 bill in front of taco bravo, and you happily bought food for your friends. This buds for you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. "80, single, and have lots of cash" Is this the goal you set for yourself? Waooooo.....Your goal is so BIG!!!!!! One little suggestion, may be you should put gold bars underneath your mattress instead cash. I want to make sure you can still afford Carne Asda Fries, drinks, and dates with old ladies after 50 yrs inflation.

    Happy Thanksgiving ^_^

    ReplyDelete
  3. Inflation!?!? What's that? As long as they have the dollar menu, I'll be ok.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Check out the following website and good luck with your dollar menu.

    http://www.iousathemovie.com/

    ReplyDelete

 
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