Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Trying to Sell a Screenplay in Hollywood?... More Rewarding Than You Think


Trying to sell a screenplay in LA is probably one of the more difficult endeavors one can pursue. Yet, every year, millions of people watch a movie and think to themselves, "I can write a movie better than that..." And, of those millions, thousands actually attempt it - even less complete it. And, of those thousands, maybe a handful actually make it. But, 99.999999999999999% of them will never make it in that first year. Or the second. Or the third. My friend, Sara, sold a movie script, has an Emmy, came from within "the industry" and still has not had a smooth ride. I don't know if I was naive to think I could actually "make it" when I chose to move to LA for several months last year, but I'll tell you one thing: it was one of the best experiences of my life.

Oh, don't get me wrong - I DIDN'T make it. But I tried. 

I see people who hate going into work every day, or count down the days on Facebook until the weekend, and I feel like people can make a choice. I guess I've always been fortunate that I worked in professions that were of my choosing. I had a fair amount of success in my chosen industries - Television News and Public Relations - and by "success," I don't mean money. I worked them because I loved what I was doing. And with that, the money came on its own. I wasn't motivated by wanting to drive a fancy car, wear expensive clothing, or make more money than my neighbors. What I wanted, and continue to want, is to be inspired, more than anything. 

When I left the comforts of my home to move to LA, I had a screenplay in hand - a story that I thought was something I would go and pay money to watch. Now, I could only find one documented story on the web about anyone selling their FIRST and ONLY screenplay, and while I fully realized my chances of failure, I took the plunge anyway. Some writers had sold later screenplays they wrote, became successful, then were able to sell their first, but not their first when it was their only. It has everything to do with getting better at something the more you do it. Oh well.

Star Struck is the story of a struggling actor who pays a troubled Hollywood starlet to pretend to date him so that he can become famous. I think of it as a very marketable romantic-comedy. A little bit of everything for both the male and female gender. For the males, we were enamored with Entourage - a show that gave us a glimpse of what it would be like to be a movie star, everything from the fame, women, sex, partying, and friends. That's what I wanted to capture and give to my audience with my male lead. In the Hollywood starlet, I wanted to capture the culture that the world has become engrossed in: the Paris Hilton's, Lindsay Lohan's, Britney Spears'-train-wrecks of the worlds who have made TMZ, PerezHilton, and USWeekly mainstream names. I wanted to see the colliding of an honest everyday-man meeting the reckless world of a hard partying Hollywood diva, with both characters learning something about themselves on the way to falling in love. I saw it as Can't Buy Me Love meets Notting Hill meets Entourage

Having now written a second screenplay, I can see that my writing definitely wasn't there. The language and dialogue could've been more succinct, less-forced, more clever, but I still believe 100% that the concept is sound and marketable. One of my main hobbies every weekend (besides excessive drinking and lewd comments in public) is predicting how well the weekend's new releases will perform, and I do quite well. I also do well in other predictions, like when I suspected that Facebook would be successful in 2010, and that there would be an iPad 2 following the iPad 1. I KNOW the concept of Star Struck is a good one - maybe one day my script writing skills will catch up. 

Ultimately, to some, it may seem like a failure. Indeed, I do deem it a failure, in that I didn't get my screenplay sold. But I deem the entire venture to be a success. I went and met a ton of great people in the industry, I learned about things I never knew before, I wrote my second screenplay, I rekindled old friendships from high school and college, became even better friends with some, made new friends, tried new things, tasted new foods, but most importantly, I continued to dream, to hope, and to love. 

I don't know if I'll ever sell a screenplay, but attempting to write one and completing it was like a childhood dream come true. Do you remember the elaborate fantasies in your mind about being a princess or a warrior, a cowboy or a cowgirl, playing house or in outer-space, and the scenarios you'd envision? How great was it to act it all out as a child and have everything happen exactly as you wanted it? Seriously, think back to that time. Imagine it. Too often in our lives, we hope for things to work out a certain way and they don't. I got to create a world on that paper, with characters I grew to love, and in the end, they lived happily ever after. 

That's what I wish for you. 

I live my dream every day, and while screenplay writing is back to being a hobby for me, I am working on an internet startup that is my current passion. Every day for you shouldn't get you towards that objective, but should START with "happily ever after..." Remember that. 

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
SVB

Friday, January 20, 2012

8 Reasons Why You're Still Single


As I long since ran out of magnets on my refrigerator for all the new baby pic postcards and joyful holiday couple cards from my friends, it's given me ample opportunity to muse why some of my female friends are single and why others aren't. I'd also like to take a moment to note the controversial and possibly insensitive nature of this post as a reason for why I am also not currently married. With that said, let us begin.

1. You Have Expensive Taste - If you're making $32K a year and we see you wearing Gucci, Prada, and driving a brand-new Mercedes SLK, we're probably going to see this relationship as unsustainable. I've read somewhere that financial stress is a leading cause of divorce. I don't know if this is true, nor will I do any research on the matter since I am currently eating a pizza with my left hand and I am a self-dubbed "expert on relationships," but it sure does make sense, doesn't it? Us guys see that expensive taste and cut our losses after that first $200 date, where you ordered nothing but Grey Goose Cosmos. One, it tells us you have fallen for an overrated, marketing scheme vodka, and, two, you had no concern for the $14-a-drink vodka that is basically void when mixed with juices. Go for Ketel or Stoli if you want to impress a guy. That will only set us back $12-a-drink, but at least we'll know you get it.

2. You Had Sex With Us on the First Date - Wow. If I have a daughter one day, that is something that I will start teaching her at 3 years old. We will role play saying "no" on day 1095 of her life.

Me: "Okay, now what do you say when a guy talks to you?" 
Her: "No!" 
Me: "Good, now what do you think of poles?" 
Her: "They're gross!" 
Me: "Perfect, now go run off and play and never grow up."

I'd like to think that I have the grace of a puma, the balls of a honey badger, and the charm of Scott Baio, but when a girl puts out on the first date, I gotta think she's been with hundreds of guys. That's not something I like going through my head. If you want to know if a guy loves you so, it's not in his kiss, Cher was lying - trust me - I fake it all the time. You will find out whether a guy likes you if he has enough respect to wait for you. I'm not saying make him wait forever, but a good four whole dates should suffice. Then again, there are exceptions, if you knew each other before, got set up by good, mutual friends, etc. blah blah blah. So don't email me saying, "WTF! Me and my husband had sex on the first date!"

3. You're Dramatic - Of all my girl friends who are married, I don't think I have ever witnessed, or can imagine, them snapping their fingers and going, "Whaaaaat?!?! Oh no she did-UNT!!!" The flair for the dramatics is something that a guy just doesn't warm up to - much like the baby-voice. In fact, when a girl starts getting angry at me - for forgetting her name, throwing up on her shirt, trying to put my tongue in her mouth, etc. - it makes me calmer, which makes girls angrier. It's like they want to see you rise up to their level of dramatics, so they don't look like the only crazy one at the bar. Other signs? When they're constantly demanding, issuing directives instead of subtle suggestions, or interrupting football games with trivial things like, "the baby is throwing up! I think we need to go to the hospital!"

4. You're Too Superficial - Now I know that everyone says you shouldn't settle, but almost 50% of the girls I knew in college ended up with guys they would've laughed at back in the day. The guys they married are going to put them on a pedestal and probably never cheat on them - because those guys scored above their looks-bracket. Would they have gotten the same thing with a guy they could've gotten in college?!?! Well, it's not college anymore. And those guys are probably hosting several venereal diseases, unemployed, and blogging in Silicon Valley for a living. That guy may give you passionate highs and lows, unbelievable witticisms, and devastating good looks, but it's questionable whether he'll ever give you the stability of a guy who will worship you.

5. You're Bitter and Negative - If you find yourself aggressively trash-talking people once they walk away, you should do some inner-soul-searching. If your thoughts constantly stream towards what that "b*tch" has and what you don't, or if you're more focused on why you deserve something and she doesn't - that's just not healthy. That negativity carries through to the rest of your life in bad ways and, in particular, rears its ugly head in the form of, "You didn't just... Already?!?! I didn't even get to finish yet!!!" That's your problem. You just need to learn to finish faster.

6. You Don't Have Your Own Thing - I stole that line from NeYo. I've actually quoted him like four times now in separate blog posts. Next to Chris Brown's "Yeah 3X" - NeYo occupies the rest of my Top 10 playlist - although Michael Buble is #10. Anyhow, guys need their alone times. That's why girls need to have their own friends, who do their own sets of things, with their own jobs, and their own hobbies. It gives us guys the chance to do all those secret things we don't tell you about. Sure, there are some clingy, jealousy guys who don't want their girls to EVER do their own thing, that's when you girls should actually run (but I'll write about that next time in a post titled: "Guys You Should Avoid"). When you have your own thing, the conversation can only be THAT much better at the dinner table and when you're alone, because you're both evolving as people apart and together.

7. You Don't Pay Attention to Detail - This runs the gamut. It may be that you don't ever ask us any questions, preferring to always talk about yourself. It could also be that you have slight B.O. - which is gross and reminds me of that commercial that goes, "strong enough for a man, made for a woman". You should do some research and buy that product. Or, it could be you have bad breath, hairy arms, smelly vagina, repulsive eating habits, or you fart or burp like a sailor. (I snuck "smelly vagina" in there between less offensive traits. Good one, huh?!) We want to know that we're dating a woman - let us hold onto that belief, even after years of marriage, babies, and regular trips to Fresh Choice on Friday.

8. You Party Harder Than Us - This topic has gotten its own, complete, separate blog post, but guys don't want to end up with a girl who gets drunker than they do. And if a girl were to get drunker than me, that would mean she was probably close to death and incapacitated to the point where her movements resemble that of an infant child. It's a major buzzkill to know that you have to be the responsible party every night. If not, she just may end up with one of those sleazy guys who's the wallflower every night until "last call," when he suddenly appears out of nowhere ready to pounce on the drunkest girls. Don't be that girl. On another note, don't be that guy. You're gross and you should go to jail.


Now, there's a lot of honorable mentions, like, you don't give blowjobs, you don't put yourself in situations to meet guys, your guy just broke up with you after 10 years of dating, or you chose an ambitious career path and finding a guy isn't your top priority, but these are the core differences I see in the women who line my refrigerator and the women wondering why they aren't married yet. You can definitely stick with who you are and stay true to the mantra, "he better love me for who I am!!!"

But then again, the way you said that statement in my head is in direct violation of #1, 3, 5, and 7 on the list.

I don't have all the answers. I only have most of them. Just remember, don't have sex on the first date. Unless he sings you Peter Cetera at karaoke...

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Farting and Burping in a Relationship


I have a confession. When I was a young boy I couldn't burp or fart around my friends. It was quite sad actually, because, as most young boys know, it was a source of amusement and a status symbol for how long and loud you could fart or burp. I might as well not even have existed and continued to hide in the closet with my sister's naked Barbies. Sigh. Physically, I couldn't burp. My friends would tell me to drink lots of soda. Didn't work. Suck in lots of air. Didn't work. Shove a plunger up my ass. Didn't work. I was relegated to making a pathetic-sounding noise in my throat, that under loud freeway conditions, might've been believable as a burp. But never the type where your friends would "ewww" in agreement, or laugh about. Heck, I couldn't even blow it in someone's face, because then I would be "outed" for the fraud I was!!! I'm SOOOOO ASHAMMMEED!!!!

As for farting, I just have never really been comfortable farting around people. How does one attain such comfortability!?!? If I had tried to force one out as a kid, I probably would've shat myself and hope that I wasn't wearing shorts that day. I would've told my Mom that the color from the fruit of the Fruit of the Loom ran together to form brown and that it was ridiculous that a boy of my age would still poop in his pants.

Fast forward 20 years. If you ask any of my previous lovers or friends whether they have heard me fart, I would be shocked if they said that they did. Burping, on the other hand, eventually came around. I don't know what happened, but if I get mildly full, I just can't help but let 'em rip. It's too bad my 5th grade friends can't see me now!!! I'll show you, you little motherf*ckers!!!! Not being able to burp is an illness, NOT SOMETHING TO TORMENT A LITTLE BOY ABOUT!!!!

Back to farting. I have witnessed many of my friends fart around their girlfriends/wives, much to everyone's amusement. It's obvious that I have the classiest set of friends, but how long does it actually take before you're allowed to fart around a lover? I can't say that I have ever had a girl do that around me and I'm not sure I would like it. On the other hand, did that first fart start out as a major embarrassment? Something to never be spoken again?!?! Or was it something like, "whoops!" Then everyone bursts out laughing!??!

The only times I have farted is when you're laying in bed in the middle of the night and you fart, and you jerk awake as if it were a seizure. First, I'm like, "where the f*ck am I!?!?" Then I'm like, "oh yeah, I hooked up with that train wreck from last night! Sh*t!" You then listen for the sound of her breath and hope it's deep enough that you escaped notice. The worst is when the bathroom at your new lover's house doesn't have a loud vent and/or is located too near to the bedroom. WTF was the architect thinking?!?! Those are the ones who MUST be comfortable farting at all times, because they obviously have no consideration for those with a flatulistic conscience. GO TO HELL, DUMB ARCHITECT!!!

(I made up that word, "flatulistic", in case you were wondering. It reminds me of when Martin Lawrence told Tim Robbins that his wife was "monogamistically challenged" in Nothing to Lose - which is one of the most underrated comedies of our time. Who knew you could come to this website to learn new words!!?!)

So, if anyone could tell me how this fart comfortability evolution happens, I would LOVE to learn about something I don't know. Because it's beginning to look odd how often I excuse myself to go somewhere - "Excuse me, I think I forget to water the plants outside, I'll be right back." In exchange, I will share with you what a plunger feels like up the bunghole.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
SVB

Thursday, January 5, 2012

6 People I'd Like to See Disappear in 2012

I like to start every year with negativity. It's a trait my Mother taught me when she would belittle less fortunate people when they were out of earshot. It makes me feel better about my own life. With that nugget of knowledge now imparted on you, I shall name the people I would like to see "disappear" this year.


Tim Tebow - A lot of people take it as an affront on religion, but people's hatred for Tim Tebow has nothing to do with religion. It does have everything to do with the fact that he's trying to shove something down our throats by his unfiltered, virginous, bring-an-apple-to-the-teacher-every-day-type actions. I would be just as annoyed, if some atheist was like, "Before I answer that question, I'd like to thank my performance to my strong beliefs that there is NO God. I killed it out there today, while my teammates barely did a thing. Once again, No God. All me." Or, "I'd like thank my big Buddha in the sky. That morbidly obese Teddy Bear gave me everything I have and I owe it all to him." Just shut up and answer the question.

And if you're going to thank God each time, at least make it funny and mix it up each time: "Thank you, big baby Jesus, with your tiny, little, fat, balled up fists... Thank your Daddy for me for my performance and giving me the skill set to win today."

Ann Coulter - If there was ever a woman that I would want to shake the sh*t out of, it would be this moron. People who say outlandish things to get a rise out of people should have their nose hair plucked out, one at a time. Wait. Maybe you shouldn't go back and read any previous posts on this blog. Ann Coulter isn't even hot! I give her a 6 out of 10. Compared with any other media personality, I give her a 4 out of 10. She's got long, blonde hair. Great. It's only because she's not fat like Rush Limbaugh or old like Bill O'Reilly that people find her an attractive spokesperson for Republicans. She RUINS the credibility of Republicans. At least outspoken members of the Democratic left, like Bill Maher and Jon Stewart, do it with humor, civility, and self-deprecation.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck - While Ann Coulter is outrageous with what she says, I do believe she is an intelligent person. She knows what she says is going to be controversial, but it means she gets booked for more gigs and she makes more money from her writings. Elisabeth Hasselbeck, on the other hand, I believe, is just plain stupid. She was blessed with good-looks, and to the producer's benefit, she talks before thinking. Not that she is capable of processing thoughts that most people do in a split-second before opening their mouth. Hasselbeck just spews nonsense. If she were to have me on the show, she would demand that I apologize and that this is an attack on the entire female species. I also have to believe that Tim Hasselbeck's career as an NFL quarterback failed because he's an idiot. Guilty by association.

Kim Kardashian - I'd actually like to blame this one on the neanderthals out there who watch her shows and/or buy magazines with her face on the cover. At least the other people out there have some sort of talent - heck, she wasn't even THAT impressive in her sex tape - (Tebow - running skills, Coulter - perfect timing to stir the pot, Hasselbeck - dumb, active mouth, to balance out intelligent conversation), Kardashian on the other hand, is taking you suckers for a ride. This was her thought process: "Hmmm, I have no talent, but a very nice, big butt, a pretty face, and I can take a penis very well. Sh*t. Already did the sex tape. What else can I do to liven up my reality show? I got it! Let me find a moron to marry!!!!" Lay off of poor Kris Humphries. I truly believe he was hurt and got taken for a ride himself. He's just a big, dumb, jock.  Kardashian, laying out this courtship and divorce to Humphries perfectly within the timeframe of the show, is equivalent to a cool kid beating up Corky on Life Goes On. Humphries is just a poor simpleton. Shame on you, Kim!

Russell Brand - Who the heck anointed Russell Brand a movie star? He was not funny in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, nor was he funny in Get Him to The Greek. And now that his solo vehicle, Arthur, tanked at the box office, can we please find funny people for funny movies? Like Aziz Ansari. Or Andy Samberg. Somebody give those two their own movie!!! The only funny englishmen are Sacha Baron Cohen and Ricky Gervais. Russell Brand isn't even close. You were duped, Katy Perry. But now you can find yourself someone who is actually good-looking, funny, and drinks alcohol! Plus, his legs were way skinnier than yours in his skinny jeans, and that's just not flattering for you or him.


The Bachelor - I refuse to support a show that has never had a black, hispanic, or asian bachelor. So, you're telling me through 16 "bachelors" - all white - it's a fair representation of the United States demographic? Heck, even the girls they choose for the show have gotten more homogeneous. There, at least, used to be one black girl, one asian girl, and a few latinas. Hey, on the flip side, how about for the show, The Bachelorette?!? Yup. Same thing. The few times I've had to sit through a show, I find the show atrocious. I can't believe people sit through the same quotes and interviews each season. "I'm beginning to fall in love with her, I don't know what to do..." "I never thought I'd be in love with three women at the same time..." "Yes, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her..." If you want to believe in true love, this is not it. They break up a few months after, but not before dragging you through a show where they turn over a rose in their hands for a few minutes, while cutting away to several anguished faces. Give away the stupid rose already! This is what you should do - if you must: watch the first show, make your picks, then watch the last episode. After you do that, get a noose and hang yourself. Because your life is pathetic.

People Who "Like" Their Own Status Updates - Recently, I saw something that one-upped this gem. A guy left a comment for a girl on her status update, and "liked" his own comment. I hovered over the "thumb" because I was like, "who the hell likes this stupid comment?" And it was the own guy's name. Anyhow, if you post an update on Facebook, it is inherently believed that you "like" it. What it tells the rest of the world is that you are desperately seeking attention and are narcissistic to a degree that is unhealthy. Heck, I may do the pee-pee dance in the mirror before I shower and think it's humorous, but I'm not "liking" my own dance publicly. That would be like Aziz Ansari inviting someone over to his house to watch a video of his own standup and laughing hysterically, going, "Hahahah, these jokes are dope."


So, people, you can do something about all these egregious morons. DON'T watch them. Don't buy things they endorse. In fact, boycott things they endorse. If their show comes on the air and you only have basic cable and MUST watch something? Try these two websites for quality, free programming: Hulu.com and TV.Blinkx.com. I'm pretty sure that last website is illegal, but then again, so is Marijuana and that hasn't stopped you, has it? TV Blinkx even has Life Goes On, which, if you get THAT bored, you should probably re-tie that noose again.


Let's make a real change in 2012. Unemployment and that fat North Korean Cartman can wait.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The SVB

Quality Over Quantity


Some of you may be wondering why I haven't written anything in over two weeks. Some of you may have thought I jetted off to another far-off destination where people have loose morals and low standards for ethical human beings. Some of you may have even worried that I became a victim of alcoholic extravagance... laying somewhere on the road as hordes of people walk by, ignoring my lifeless run-over body. Some of you haven't wondered anything at all, forgetting that I even exist, and cursing that you remembered that I did. Well, I shall answer you now! Most of my writings just haven't met my expectations... plus, I've been drunk more than normal.

I hold myself to a very high standard when writing anything on this blog. I feel very fortunate that you even choose to come to this website and I want to make sure that anything you read here, will either make you laugh, cry, discuss, engage, or puke. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've spent hours writing something, only to say it sucks - then drown myself in a bottle of whiskey and sing sad country songs until the wee morning hours. I'll tell ya, Johnny Cash is straight up suicide music. He was yesterday's Adele.

I am considerate of the time you have voluntarily given to me. If I don't laugh at my own work, then I don't publish it. Maybe one day, it will be like the unpublished work of Tupac: subpar, but able to be released with a posthumous beat year after year. Heck, even his sex tape just came out now, like 14 years after his death!?!!! BTW, if anything should happen to me, please NEVER look at the folder marked "videos" on my computer. You will be shocked and probably projectile vomit through your nose.

Sadly, for the women in my life and past, my general philosophy on writing does not extend as far to the sexual realm. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, "Are you done already, you sonofab*tch!??!" I would be a rich, rich man. Like, Carlos Slim rich. In bed, I believe in the philosophy of quantity, not quality. If you were one of the unfortunate, you probably heard this in response... "oh snap! Sorry. I'll get ya next time! Time to go night night! Vibrator's in the drawer."

So, while I apologize for the lack of posts, know that you can go back to any of my previous posts I've written over the years and know that they get my seal of approval. I will NEVER churn out blog posts on a daily basis, because you lose the ability to write something truly good. You may have some hits, but most will be misses. One of my favorite writers was Rick Reilly when he used to close out Sports Illustrated magazine. His weekly article wasn't any longer than what is today's blog post. They were always insightful, funny, or inspiring. I hope that is what you get from coming to Silicon Valley Bachelor. I am grateful, and will always work hard to justify your visits.

Happy New Year and be grateful for the smiles and cries - because that's the only thing in this world nobody can take from you. My man, Ethan Hawke, said that in Training Day.

Smiles and Cries. Use them. Appreciate them.

Peace. I love you.

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Monday, December 19, 2011

8 Things That Guys Don't Tell Their Girlfriends


We all have our secrets. Not like the one where, after watching Silence of the Lambs, we came out of the shower, looked over our shoulder and then into the mirror and wedged our penis in-between our legs - which, amazingly, DOES look like a vagina! - those kinds of secrets should stay secrets forever. I'm talking about the secrets we don't tell our significant other, but lament openly about to our friends. Ladies, I'm sure you have plenty of your own secrets, but here are some things that guys don't tell you.

1. They Imagine Other Women While Having Sex With You.

My friend, Jessica, always says, "show me a hot girl and I'll show you a guy who's tired of f*cking her." That's when I gasp, and say, "you said a bad word." When I get over the initial shock of the "F" word, I realize she's pretty much right. How else can you explain any guy who would cheat on Siena Miller with a dumpy nanny, or Shania Twain with a Sandra Bernhard look-a-like, or Elin Nordegren with the latest plastic surgery success story. When it comes down to it, new ass is just a thrill that can't be replaced with same ass. It's not like guys grow up watching porn of just one woman their entire life. I'm not saying it's all the time, but ladies, you just have to know that sometimes guys are imagining that new intern in the office while bumping uglies with you. Or maybe Sofia Vergara was wearing an especially low-cut top in the latest episode of Modern Family. We're guys!!! After that thousandth time of intercourse with the same woman, we need that extra tingle anywhere it may come from. But you have to admit, Lois on The Family Guy, is one hot piece of cartoon ass.

2. We Hate Short Hair.

We will never tell you not to do it, but we desperately hope that you never try to experiment with short hair, because of how practical it is. Even Halle Berry lost major points for short hair. It's such a distraction in her movies. After looking at her cleavage, I always think, "I wonder if she'll ever grow her hair out again." And then I wonder what David Justice is up to these days... In the back of our minds, it's really like having sex with a guy. When we're raw-dogging it from behind (hahah, "raw-dogging"- so classy), the last thing we want to see is that faded crew-cut that reminds us of the male species. The only guy I like to envision is myself, as I admire my rippling pectorals in the mirror by the bed. Plus, the hair acts as a leash, so that we can guide you and make sure you don't stray too far.

3. We Don't Want You To Gain Weight.

When we say, "I'll love you no matter what you look like." - it's a lie. I've written about this before, but guys don't want their women to gain weight. That's why we take a good look at the mothers and try and figure out what's going to happen down the road. We don't want you being the next brand spokeswoman for cankle-hiding pantsuits. My friend, Ashley, commented in my last weight-gain article about the tactics her husband uses:

Tactic 1: Always enter the conversation under the guise of good health and spending time together: (Husband) "Ashley, lets get some good cardio in by going on a hike this weekend...' 

Tactic 2: Slyly implant self-consciousness by inferring that other _women_ are going to judge you on how you look. This is key! The guy has to pretend that _he_ does not care, its how your _mom_, _sister_, _girlfriends_ are going to see you. (Me, sporting yoga pants that are stretched out and ripped at the bottom) (Husband, knowing full well that I'm planning on waring said yoga pants) 'Do you have enough time to get dressed before your lunch with Jenn?' 

Tactic 3: Say whatever the f you want to say but pretend it's a joke: (Me) 'I think I'm going to cut my hair short, the baby pulls on it all the time.' (Husband) 'Great, the free fall into the mom-look begins. Ha ha just kidding! Yeah whatever you want to do.' (Me... still with long hair)

Genius!

4. We Secretly Think At Least One of Your Friends is Smoking Hot.

Of course, we would never say this. In fact, we are overly aware of competition amongst girls and insecurities, and even with your prodding, "don't worry. I know she's hot. Don't you think so?!?!" Or the more subtle, "Wow, her butt looks REALLY good in that skirt!" Don't fall for it, fellas. Your typical answer should be, "Really? I didn't notice. She's like a sister to me, that would be gross to look at her butt." And don't think you can get away with the sneak-a-peak underneath your sunglasses. That's when your girl's secret sixth sense of looking out of the side of her head and underneath your glasses comes into play.

5. We Flirt With Other Girls.

Listen, it's not like we go home with them, but it's something that guys have grown accustomed to as a ritual for friendship and bonding. When having a guy's night, that may include a lot of sports, but it also includes some light, quasi-witty banter with attractive females. If you think about it, it's only fair. When having girl's nights, you can't tell me that you're not approached by guys and/or carry-on full conversations with them! It's not fair. Girls can still see their options, even have a guy buy them a drink, because it's typical in our society for guys to do the approaching. For those guys that are attached, if we stayed in a corner and just talked to ourselves, we'd be out of topics within an hour - Tim Tebow and Kobe Bryant can only do so much for our dialogue, which would go something like this.

Guy #1 - It's great that Kobe's getting a divorce. Now he can rape whomever he wants.

Guy #2 - F*ck you. I'll rape you, you little b*tch! 

Guy #1 - FUCK YOU!!!

(Silence)

Guy #2 - So.... when are the wings getting here? 

Guy #1 - I don't know. Hey, remember when Jessica Simpson thought that wings were made from Buffalo??!!

Guy #2 - What?!?! Shut the f*ck up. 

(Silence)

Guy #1 - Hey, man, this is taking way too long. I'm going to go ask how much longer until we get our wings.

6. We Still Masturbate.

It's quick, efficient, and we can openly pretend we're having sex with someone else while watching the latest from YouPorn. Plus, we don't have to worry about foreplay and cuddling afterwards. Although, I love to cuddle afterwards. It makes me feel like less of a whore when he zips up his pants and throws $5 down on the bed and tells me to beat it.

7. We Stalk Our Exes on Facebook.

Even if we're much happier with you, we want to make sure our exes don't have a happier life than we do. Her new lover is flying her away to far-off locations!?!? B*tch. Let me post MY travel pics when I see that green light next to her name so she's SURE TO SEE HOW MUCH FUN I'M HAVING!!!! Your new lover is fairly muscular!?!? Fuck him!!! He's handsome too!?! SO WHAT!?! He's got a job!?!? Okay.... Fine. He wins. Stalking time is over and you're now hidden from my newsfeed forever!!!

8. We Get Drunk To Sexually Experiment.

So you're having a great time with a girl you just started dating - you've learned about each other, found out you were compatible, you like her, and you've already had sex. What happens next to take the relationship to a new sexual level is difficult to navigate. You don't want to call her a dirty name in the heat of the moment and have her stop and go, "did you just call me a dirty slut?!?!?" Or, you put your hands around her neck and gently choke her, and she becomes appalled and starts clawing and screaming for her life. See how things could get awkward very quickly? This is when you decide to go out and get MAJORLY wasted, so that you can try out those moves that get you off, but won't make you seem like a total perve. If she freaks, the next morning all you have to say is, "whoa, what happened last night? I got so wasted. I barely remember anything." If she liked it, heck, even took it to another level? You're golden!


Well, ladies, these are just some of the secrets we keep from you. This revealing of time-honored male secrets is sure to have my Man Card revoked... and possibly a bounty put on my head. Salman Rushdie ended up with Padma Lakshmi at one point, I should be okay, right? Anyhow, use these secrets to start an epic argument with your lover. Have fun!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

A Bachelor's Night Club Style Guide: 5 Fashion Mistakes People Make

The other night I went to Santana Row - the crown jewel of San Jose. It's the only place where people can pretend they DON'T live in San Jose, and that if they drink enough alcohol, it might be feasible to believe it's a territory within itself - in line with LA or Vegas. Why not? Persians and Asians everywhere! One thing that really worries me, though, about this bourgeois, new money crowd, is their preference for black clothing. It's cliche and reeks of uninspired boringness. I checked out all the hotspots - Sino, Straits, Blowfish - and it's like everyone came from a funeral. I couldn't find one color other than black.

People, if you want to stand out when going to a night club - wear something light. Take a chance! Pink. Canary Yellow. Powder Blue. And my favorite - White!

You think those rich celebrities know what they're doing when they put together their ensembles?






Now, I know what you're saying - "Kevin is a timeless beauty, comparable to Cleopatra, Elizabeth Taylor, Marlon Brando, James Dean... he's speaking from a vantage point that few attain. He needn't worry about fashion." Yes, yes, I know, but we all need an edge and I want to help you commoners out.

I go in and automatically light up a room - and that's even before the smile. You, on the other hand, go in with your black dress shirt and become one in a sea of dozens of dudes, instantly forgotten by the five females that are at Santana Row on any given night. Style, besides confidence, humor and dance skills, is something that can set you apart. If you stylistically stand out - in a good way - it'll add to your confidence. Each set of female eyes that make their way to your bright colors and up towards your face, is about several more seconds than they would've spent on you originally. You can just feed that into your enlarging ego and take some time to order a drink before making your move.

BUT, first, here are 5 stylistic choices you should avoid:

1. DON'T wear black.

See above. You may think you look best in black, but so does everyone else. You can wear black everywhere, just not to the club, if you want that extra edge.

2. DON'T wear a suit.

Really!?!? An ENTIRE suit? Maybe a blazer over a v-neck t-shirt or a sweater, but leave the dress shoes, slacks, and pocket square at home. It just looks like you're trying too hard to make up for a flawed face when you wear a suit to occasions that don't call for it. It reminds me of this one guy I went to high school with, whom I'll see at Britannia Arms in Cupertino (CUPERTINO, folks!!!) or out in Los Gatos occasionally and he's always flaunting several suit layers, complete with pocket square. He should just get a penis enlargement and be over with it.

3. DON'T wear shirts with phrases on them.

What are you? Still going to frat parties? Backpacking with Aussies? Those shirts with funny sayings aren't really that funny, now that everyone's already seen that saying a thousand times on their Facebook and Twitter feeds.

4. DON'T wear Ed Hardy.

Or any shirts with a mishmash of colors. Add skull and crossbones to that and you've got a recipe for Snooki. Any combination of these means your shirt is destined to go out of style as soon as you pull the tags off.

5. DON'T wear baggy jeans.

Unless you're fat. They make you look like a day laborer... or a Raiders fan. I think baggy jeans are done. I think skinny jeans will soon be done too (within the next two years), but you should be wearing form-fitting jeans, even loose, but definitely not baggy.


Once again, you're thinking to yourself, "Kevin, if you even have a shirt on, it's a white v-neck. I think that hardly counts as someone who knows and can dictate style." Au contraire, mon frere! Take a look at the other timeless beauties and tell me which picture doesn't fit?




That's right. They all fit! Destined to go down in history as images of splendor, grace, sophistication, ruggedness, manliness, beautifulness, smartness, sexiness, handsomness... and whatever other "ness'" I can't think of right now.

I like to call my style - blue-collar chic.

I consider myself to be blue-collar... if blue-collar people had no jobs, slept 11 hours a day, couldn't change the oil in cars, couldn't fix a clogged toilet if his life depended on it, and avoided anything that might cause dirt to get under his nails. Other than that, I am 100% blue collar.

Stay sexy,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor