The Next Fad of Facebook Posts: #SadBrag

Recently, I posted the below picture on Facebook with the caption:

If it weren't for Hungry Man's vegetable section, I don't know where I'd get my veggies from. #humblebrag #eachdaybetterthannext #betterthanyourfrenchlaundrypics

To which, two commenters stated:
- kevy this makes me sad for you!!!
and,
- Saddest FB post of the week.

First, I love the affectionate nature of "kevy," secondly, I laughed at the genuine sympathy I was receiving. I looooove Hungry Man TV dinners, just like I love my Chef Boyardee. If you read a lot of my writings, you'll see that I occasionally reference them as jokes. But it's not a joke when it gets in my belly! It is pure preserved goodness. If there is ever a zombie apocalypse, everyone should make a beeline to my house. There are so many canned food items in my closet, that we'll be good for about 10 years.

Anyhow, back to the point, we're at a saturation point on Facebook. I still go on it, out of pure addiction and insight on marketing trends, but the posts I see are just so routine. We've seen them all by now – that picture of your feet as they overlook the ocean/pool (no guy should ever do this, btw), that picture of your happy hour cocktail looking so dreamy, that check-in at the airport to show us you're going someplace new, the funny memes about how "everyone is blah blah blah, but I'm just like, 'I love wine,'" the bad day/angry at work status updates, and the "I love my wife" posts even though your wife is sitting next to you in the flesh. I'm not saying I don't enjoy these posts, I'm just saying I'd like to see something new.

Now you might be saying, "Kevin, you're smokin reefer, you f*cktard. And you're a loser! You're handsome as hell, but smokin reefer. You're the biggest humblebragger in the world! Always posting pics of yourself shirtless in exotic destinations! I bet you even tell the random stranger, whom you asked to take your picture, to hold on, so that you can take your shirt off!"

I'm guilty as charged! I can't begin to tell you how many times I've been on vacation, taken my shirt off, did 8,000 pushups, took a picture, and then desperately searched for a wifi hotspot so that I could post my latest beach pic for all to see and fawn over. It's my hope that girls want to be with me and guys want to be me. Now that I've done it all (hahaha), I don't even post pictures anymore of going to a ballgame, or laying out at a "US-based beach." That would just be way below me. Plus, I don't want to let down all my fans who expect so much from me! Can you imagine if I posted a picture of me at a pool? IN CUPERTINO?!?! I might as well be homeless!

To mix things up on Facebook and social media, I'd like to start a new trend and campaign, called, #SadBrag, aka 'the trailer trash posts.' Now I realize this may offend the thrash of the trailer park neighborhoods, but if they have internet access and are living in a trailer park, they have far greater things to worry about - like money management. So I'm going interject sad moments in my life (which are quite plentiful), thoughts with little-to-no ambition, and various posts that would make you think I would be better off in an assisted living-type of home - because no one ever posts stuff like this. The types of posts that people would read and be like, "Wow, I'm glad I'm not Kevin. I feel much better about my life."

Here are some gems you might see in the future.

Status Updates:
- "Prices on Plan B sure haven't changed much over the years."

- "The girls at Planned Parenthood, while a little disheveled, are super hot!"

- "Because I order so much from the $.99 cent menu, I can tell you exactly how much my total bill will be with tax, all the way up to seven items. If only my high school math teacher could see me now."

Picture Posts:
- Me in the shower, pre-drinking out of a sippy cup to save time. 
- Me in the living room, pre-partying alone, listening to Lionel Ritchie, pre-drinking Popov's and Safeway-brand Cranberry Juice.
- Me in the car, pre-drinking alone, and singing along to classics from N'Sync.
- Me eating Taco Bell, paired with a fine bottle of Charles Shaw Cabernet - alone.

Check-Ins:
- You know it. Wal-Mart, Planned Parenthood, McDonald's, Chevron - when I need to use their toilet, Center For Children Who Can't Read Good (hopefully they take adults too), Sporty's Bikini Bar - when I go there every day at 3pm when I wake up.... and all sorts of other goodies.

My friend, Sasha, who affectionately called me "Kevy" earlier and continues to make me feel uncomfortable around her husband with such comments and details of our juvenile dalliances, once had a running gag in high school where she would get all her friends to show off the ugliest face they could make. And there were some real good ones. A few years ago, Sasha, quote, "tried to start an ugly profile picture fad... No one joined me so I just looked ugly on FB for a few weeks."

Oh, Sasha, you crack me up. (You guys should really read her guest post about how to give a great blowjob. It has become one of my most-trafficked posts on SVB, which in no way angers me that a guest writer gets more page views than I do.) While it's easy for those to participate in an ugly picture fad when you're married or in a long-term relationship - kind of like when guys experiment with haircuts and facial hair in the same situation - I shall partake in this endeavor anyway. It's only for the brave and those courageous enough to look bad in front of their friends. And "Brave" and "Courage" are both in my middle name (when convenient). Besides, people should stop taking themselves so seriously all the time! Still #HumbleBrag it up, as I plan to do on my next trip, but #SadBrag it on occasion too! If you can laugh at yourself, life is a lot less stressful and a lot more fun.

#UnknowinglySadBraggingSince1997AfterHittingSocialPeakInHighSchool,
Kevin L.
The SVB

What You Can Expect at a Singles Auction - Douchebags and Douchettes!

I know this person, Louise, who is one of my most fervent and active readers at Silicon Valley Bachelor. This makes her my best friend. When she informs me that she's read one of my posts, I instantly tune her out and daydream about her reading my writing. It's a major fantasy of mine. It can be anyone reading my writing, really. In this fantasy, Marvin Gaye begins singing and we can't hear Louise, but we see her laughing incessantly – to the verge of tears – and tossing her hair back repeatedly while blushing wearing a silky negligee.

Now that I've lost Louise as a reader, due to creepiness, Louise is going to be in a "singles date auction" coming up this week, supposedly because she couldn't snag a date with me and wants to make me jealous. Louise doesn't drink, which is like the equivalent of her telling me that she has a penis, or that I am not funny, or that Jesus was more than just a character played by Ray Allen – thus we can never be. Anyhow, she felt bad about the pic and bio she submitted for the singles auction, in light of seeing what everyone else sent. 

To make her feel better, I am going to make fun of these other douchebags and douchettes, because they seriously deserve it. Let's start with the guys.

The first guy, Mateo, is probably the biggest douchebag of them all. These bios are self-written, so take notice of how much he tries to make himself seem like a badboy. In fact, while I was planning on only taking excerpts from people's bios, I shall take his entire bio to reprint here: 

Mateo loves seeking adventure on two wheels… can you keep up? A sophisticated hacker and office jester by day, a motorcycle rider by night, he enjoys the fun route through life. When the sun’s shining, you can find this smart, funny, SF native working on his three-quarter-leg mountain bike tan on a hill near you. Don’t worry, he cleans up well. He’ll have no problem sporting his extensive skinny tie collection, or matching his collar with the latest in eyewear fashion. His passion for calculated risk is only rivaled by his admiration for quadriceps. And no, he does not have a neck tattoo (yet).


Hahahahahahahahah. My favorites: "... can you keep up?" "smart, funny," "matching his collar with the latest eyewear fashion." "And no, he does not have a neck tattoo (yet)." OMG, (and you guys know I only use "OMG" for extreme situations!) whoever snags this guy must be some classy babe. And that's the picture he submits of a smart, funny, office jester? It looks more like the picture for "most likely to beat wife," or "wife must have plow experience." I imagine he runs on stage like Chris Elliot does during the date auction in Groundhog Day. (I love that movie.) He probably also drops a couple of dollars for tip at a restaurant, just so that his date can see, before quickly picking up the dollars once she's looking away.

Let's move on, even though there is no shortage of material here. I'm going to bag on Skylar because of his "deep in thought" profile pic. Did you ever read that post on douchebag Silicon Valley profile pics? (Don't worry, it's not written by me.) Amongst the category "very important dbag" pics, where the person is speaking to an audience, there is also the "thoughtful humanist." It's a must-read. Skylar is definitely going with the "thoughtful humanist" pic here. Other than that, never trust someone who is wearing sunglasses in their dating profile pic – like Ato, who is self-proclaimed, "tall, dark, and handsome," and "the deep voice is just a bonus." Muhahahahaha, who are these toolios?!? Spencer looks good from afar, but you also can't trust people where the subject's face takes up only 1/100 of the picture size. So, ladies, the two normal guys with normal bios and pics are Jay and Cary. Am I wrong that their bios are more endearing than the other ones?

Let's move on to the ladies. While I might be digging here, I must take all liberties to make Louise feel better. She is the one who submitted the snow bunny picture in a sea of touched up, makeup-filled, skin-showing women.

Shali - girls who take pics looking at the camera through the sides of their eyes do this to hide a large face or uneven facial features. 

Diana - oh man.... sorry, Louise, I can't think of anything here. She is pretty and sounds too good to be true. You can always be #2! Regardless of what Nelly says, some #2s are remembered. Pepsi Cola anyone? Burger King? Sam Bowie? I rest my case. 

Louise - her bio ROCKS! Clever, witty, eclectic, nostalgic and SUCCINCT! She knows we have short attention spans! She's so thoughtful! And that every woman, rugged winter wear?!?! That's a gal who spells out confidence. No need to show cleavage in every pic. A self-assured, confident, natural beauty, who will chop her own wood in the winter if needed! 

Silvia - what is this? Outside the mall glamour shots?!? If you're not a model and you hire someone to take modeling-style pics of yourself, I'm going to assume you're really vain. This is not a good idea, guys. These are the type of girls that start dating you and then try and change you. And besides that, who travels to 25 countries!?!? Who is she, Carmen Sandiego!?!? What's wrong with the good ol' U.S. of A.?!? She must not be patriotic. 

Haley - okay, fellas, this is a softball. She's going to try extra hard to please you, because she's insecure. Angled self-pic that prominently shows off her implants, using that filter that flashes out the details of a face (not like our sweet Louise's pic!). Seems a little gratuitous, don't you think? Another dead giveaway for low self-esteem? She seems to be trying too hard to capture every category that a male might like: "wine for me and beer for you." Really? She doesn't drink beer but wants her man to drink beer?!?! "wine for me – beer, golf, football Sundays, and uninterrupted porn-watching for you" might've been less obvious. 

Nyla - ............ okay, Louise, there's nothing wrong with being #3. Wendy's. Sprite. Coors Light. All very formidable. And if you're in the right mood, sometimes preferable. The Atlanta Falcons finished third last year and I remembered that (after searching Google). One of my high school teammates wore #3 and he was really good. So, there you go! Nyla, call me!

I wish I could attend this Spring Fling, because I would be the one snickering at anyone who bid on Mateo. Then, when Louise goes up, I would grandly and loudly start the bidding off before quickly being outpriced by anyone going over $10.83. I would then be the one at the punch bowl, drinking by himself, swallowing sadness. For a look at a real man's profile bio, check out mine at OKCupid. That's what it's about, mofo: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Kevinbay.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. If you're in the Bay, it's this Thursday, May 16th, 2013. Regardless of the scientific facts I've stated here, you should go and bid, or drink and mingle, it's for a good cause - something about underprivileged kids. Here's the link.

Things You Didn't Know About Bartending

I only used this picture to trick you into reading this post. Thanks.

I am a man of experiences. I want to try everything that is possible in life, which is an unattainable goal, but worthy of pursuit. I don't think my mother feels that way, but that is something I save for my conversations with my therapist. Speaking of whom, I have not returned his calls in weeks. What he helps me see in the depths of my soul scares me. And I like to run away from my feelings. Plus, it always alarms me when I answer a question and he says, "I don't know who blackened your soul a long time ago, but may God have mercy on it."

I may be wrong, but I feel that statement is counterproductive.

Anyhow, the latest experience of mine may sound ridiculous. Especially for someone that is as accomplished as I am. Hell, I am a former 3rd place science fair finisher in 5th grade, for Pete's sake!!! Not many eclectic guys built like I am anymore. So, I'll just come clean, I have ALWAYS wanted to bartend. Ever since I discovered that alcohol lowers people's standards, I have been the bell of the ball! Which probably explains why I sleep throughout the day, so that I can thrive at night, when personality and intellect matter very little.

For the past few months, I have been bartending. I feel like this is a dream come true. Of course this is not something I openly broadcast, as the type of girl I want to date would probably not be impressed with this kind of occupation. In fact, she would probably think I was a loser, which is already debatable. Really, the only girls who are impressed with a guy who is a bartender are under 25 years old, struggling artists, or raging alcoholics. While I started doing this "for fun," I have to admit that the added cash is nice. Unfortunately, the owner has been scheduling me Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights, which, for anyone who knows me, are my prime drinking nights. I, literally, go out every single one of these nights – I have perfect attendance – and wake up in the mornings with no recollection of where or who I am. It's my favorite thing to do. Now I have to go out Sunday through Wednesday nights, which is like the skank shift for girls without jobs.

I really am having a blast bartending though - and the extra money is helping bootstrap my startup, Girls On a Map. Like I said, I am a man of experiences and I have been savoring every newfound revelation. Here are some of my favorite moments, experiences, and observations:

- The first time I served a drink to someone and didn't take a drink myself, I just about burst out giggling. (Yes, giggling is what happens when you try and suppress outright laughter.) While I love throwing parties and being a host, I can't remember one time where I made a guest a drink and didn't have one for myself. I'll cherish the memory forever.

- Now that I'm not the drunkest person in a bar each night, I am able to observe the come-on techniques of guys. And it's left me wondering, "do I do that?!!? Surely my 'game' is much better...." In one instance, there was this guy who was standing at the bar ordering a drink next to a moderately intoxicated female. She was receptive, but not "all-the-way" receptive yet. You know that scene in Hitch, where Will Smith tells Kevin James that he should only lean in 90% for a kiss and let the girl come the other 10%? This guy, after like two minutes, goes in about 110% while the girl is about -20%. So he takes a short reprieve, and I glance back at them, and he's now about 120%, while she's -25%. The gap is closing! Finally, he places his hand behind her head so that she can no longer go back into the negatives and... it works!!! They're full-on making out!!! It was at that moment I thought, "well I'll be darned, is that how it works out for me as well?"

- Interestingly enough, even though I have more girls flirting with me than ever, I would say I'm more celibate than at any time in my life – including ages 5 to 12, which comes in a close second. Working on weekends really depletes the options I have each week, because, of course, I only like to meet girls at bars - where you know they have a solid head on their shoulders and good family values. I just don't like meeting girls at MY bar. I don't like the feeling that they may only be flirting to get something out of me – like a free drink or an extra lime wedge. I like to earn the affection of females through my own merits. That's why I always like to give off the feeling that I am poor, so I know no one is out for my riches. Just last month I made $27 in royalty payments on my book. That's a two-figure paycheck. That kind of cheddar really makes you question the intentions of everyone around you.

- In fact, I find drunk girls that flirt with me while I'm working rather repulsive. Maybe it's the fact that I've seen them go home with guys that bothers me. It's not like I assume girls I'm with have never been with guys before, but I don't ever witness it in action. Besides, I always thought the male bartenders who had a hoard of girls waiting for them at the end of the bar were sleazy and pathetic. Not because they were sleeping with customers, but because they just looked sleazy and pathetic. You know who I'm talking about. Those greasy, cocksure bartenders, whose best thing they have going for them is that they're a bartender - and they hang their hat on it. I don't ever want to be that guy. I yuck it up with both girls and guys equally and humbly. And I will only sleep with either for the right amount of cash tip.

- I'm embarrassed to say that I used to order Amaretto and Midori Sours at the bars when I first turned 21. I honestly cringe at the thought now and it explains a lot of the looks I received, which I had mistaken for looks of intrigue. Little did I know that they were looks of, "what a b*tch." I blame my college roommate, Marcie, for sending me down this misguided initial path. Now I only order alcohol straight up and on the rocks, because I'm on a new misguided notion that it might put hair on my chest (or on my face) – no luck yet. But, if you're over 22 and order a drink with more than two ingredients in it after 11pm at a dance club, I will assume you're a virgin. On Thursday evenings, I get a lot of young kids who order Adios Motherf*ckers (AMFs) all night and don't tip me at all. I want to kill these kids. Especially the ones who ask me my name and then use it later to get my attention, as if exchanging name pleasantries without tipping me is A-OK in my book. I now tip about $5 a drink when I go out and I feel good about it. I like to give the bartenders that look, like "hey, I'm in the fraternity now. We should have a potluck dinner at my house or play Words With Friends sometime."

Okay, well, I have way more thoughts than these, but I'll save them for another time. Or, bury them deep in my blackened soul. Remember, tip your bartender. That statement should be made repeatedly to the oblivious, along with other simple things that people should do, like: "slow drivers stay out of the left-hand lane," "re-rack your weights," and "always pay attention to expiration dates." That last one is the worst! Who knew those numbers carried significance?!?!

Sincerely,
Kevin L
The Silicon Valley Bartender

How to Travel To Cuba Illegally(?) From the United States

Ever since Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, I've been wanting to go to Cuba. That Diego Luna sure can dance!

Okay. That was a blatant lie. He was a mediocre dancer next to Patrick Swayze. It was Scarface. I just HAD to see the country that could produce a fictional character like Tony Montana. And let me just say, I was expecting high-fives walking through the streets yelling out, "say hello to my lil friend!" Nope. Not-a-one. Just a lot of Spanish curse words attached to the word "Chino". So I guess I have mixed feelings after my five night stay.

Well, if you're not Beyonce and Jay-Z, chances are you cannot legally go to Cuba on your own without being on a sanctioned tour of some kind. In doing massive amounts of research, I found out that it's not technically illegal to go to Cuba, but it's illegal to spend money there. Quite the technicality. That would be like going to a strip club and not being able to open your eyes or touch anything. (I'm good at similes involving strip clubs.) I realize that I stand a chance of being fined by the U.S. Government for visiting Cuba and helping you visit the country as well, but if that happens, hopefully I will become a martyr. I'll ask for contributions on Kickstarter and then print out shirts for people that say, "Free The SVB!" And I will use the "martyr" pedestal recklessly as I ask people to buy me drinks and to show me their boobs (men and women).

As a frequent traveler, Cuba has always held a mythical place in my mind. I had imagined I would go there for my bachelor party one day, but being as that is nowhere remotely in the distant future, I decided to surprise myself. In my mind, I thought of beautiful beaches, nightclubs, classic automobiles, and people - unspoiled by fat, obnoxious, unwilling-to-learn-Spanish, smug, culture-ruining American tourists. The fact that it was "illegal" was also intriguing. I never liked the thought of someone telling me I couldn't do something. (The NBA is still in my future, you hear me Pop?!?) I can understand the U.S. preventing us from going somewhere that would endanger our well-being - heck, we can go to places like North Korea, Syria, or Rwanda, although it's not recommended - but Cuba?!? If we should listen to Senator Marco Rubio, then it's about rights not afforded and atrocities committed by the Cuban Government against their own citizens. In that case, there should be dozens of countries on the list of places we are "banned" from visiting.

Anyhow, since I like the sound of my own voice, I'm going to play the reporter and the interviewee subject to help you travel to Cuba as well. Because I did hours of research before booking my flight into Mexico City with plans to fly through to Cuba, I know there are a lot of confused, worried people out in the forums of the world. After the Q&A, I will go into my personal experiences in Cuba - mostly about prostitutes! - if you want to skip the questions altogether.

Kevin, let me ask you... first of all, you're a handsome man. If you're not doing anything after this, we should grab a drink in my hotel room.

If you're paying for the mini-fridge alcohol, I'll be there.

Great. I brought condoms, so we're good. I don't know how I'm going to be able to concentrate through this interview now - I feel like a schoolboy again. Anyhow, IS it illegal to travel to Cuba?

That's a great question - Pulitzer-worthy. From everything I found, it's not illegal to travel to Cuba, but it's illegal to spend any kind of money there. 

Okay, how do you get from the United States (U.S.) to Cuba then?

This part is rather tedious. If you do a search on Kayak, Expedia, Orbitz, or any of the flight-search aggregators, you will not find any results for any destination in Cuba. Therefore, if you're not going on a tour or getting a special Beyonce/Jay-Z license, you will need to fly into Canada or Mexico first. I decided to fly into Mexico City first (that's Ciudad de Mexico for the Spanish-speaking layman), although Cancun is also another place you can fly into in Mexico that flies to Havana (Habana), Cuba. The ticket from Mexico City to Havana is rather cheap. Around $200 to $300, and even cheaper from Cancun. I just had never visited Mexico City before, so I decided to go there. (Loved Mexico City, btw.) 

I bought my ticket the day before in Mexico City for about $75 more from a travel agency. I just stopped in and asked them to buy it for me. I put it on my credit card too, which only lists the expense as one for the travel agency and not anything mentioning Cuba, which is where a lot of Americans are concerned. They don't want to leave a paper trail. I met a couple there while I was traveling who were from Oakland - no, they weren't pimps, nor did they have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate - and they used a Spanish-based website to book their ticket to Havana from Mexico. http://www.rumbo.es/. I had tried to use it while in Mexico, only I didn't have access to a scanner or fax machine. After you book, they send you an email asking for a copy of your credit card (both sides) and your passport and to fax it or email it to them. FedEx Kinko's have apparently not made their way into Mexico City just yet, so I decided to go to the travel agency. But, if I were you, I would go through Rumbo while you're here in the states to save yourself the hassle. The charge will be listed as Rumbo, so once again, no paper trail.

That was the longest, boringest answer I've ever heard in my life. I guess I should've cared more about this story before agreeing to this interview, because all I did while you were talking was think about how incredibly bored I was. Next question. You mentioned that it was illegal to spend money in Cuba or something, I wasn't really paying attention, but how do I get around doing whatever it was that you said I couldn't do?

You'll have to bring cash with you to Cuba to exchange, because any bank card that's connected to any American-operating bank will not work. Not to mention, I don't think I ever saw an ATM machine anywhere around - although I was mostly drunk and asleep during daylight hours. You should either bring Euros, Canadian Dollars, or American Dollars. The problem with American Dollars is that there is a 10% surcharge that Cuba takes from American Dollars, so if you trade in $100, they give you back $90 worth in Cuban Convertible Pesos (CUC - pronounced "cook") which is only for tourists. There's the Cuban Peso that the locals use. Although, if you take the time beforehand to get Euros from your bank, you're not getting a very good exchange rate, so the hassle might not be worth it. The only real worry for me was having so much cash in Mexico, but it's something you'll just have to do. The alternative is going to the ATM at the Mexican airport and withdrawing Mexican Pesos there and exchanging it for American dollars at a huge loss at one of the currency exchangers. 

Okay, how about living, hotels, where to stay in Cuba?

Since I like to live dangerously, I didn't book any living accommodations beforehand. (Things always work out for me, except for that one time when I got kidnapped for several days, gang-raped, and urinated on in Puerto Rico.) I had heard about Casa Paticulares, which are private rooms in people's homes, that you can rent. It's like what Airbnb does, only they don't operate in Cuba - much like most of the internet. You can use this site that I found on the web to book beforehand: http://www.casaparticular.info/, but I didn't do it that way. I hitched a ride from the airport with my two new friends from Oakland (I feel like I got instant street cred for saying that), which cost $40 (one of the most expensive things in Cuba!) into Old Havana. THIS is the area where you want to stay. Once my acquaintances checked into their Casa Particular, the lady of the house was so amazing, she called several friends to see if they had any openings. THEN, she walked with me several blocks to find the house. It cost me $25 a night! You could stay in a hotel for four times the cost, but you learn so much more about the people living in their homes! I had everything I needed - a private room with its own bathroom and air-conditioning!

While you were answering the last question, I was on my Facebook app seeing if any of my female friends have posted any bikini pictures recently. No luck. Also, I did some more research and peeps on the internet are concerned about U.S. Customs Agents seeing that their passport is stamped twice from entry and exit into Mexico.

Yes, I had read about that online as well. Some people would ask the Mexican Customs Agents, or attempt to bribe them, NOT to stamp their passport when re-entering Mexico from Cuba. This seemed to work for some, and not for others. Being as that I was out of money, hungover, and tired, I decided that I didn't care. I let them stamp it without a peep because I didn't want to exert the energy it would've taken to open my rum-flavored mouth. When I got through U.S. Customs, they didn't even ask about the second stamp. I don't know how hard they look, as those stamps aren't exactly clear or in large print. 

Anything else I need to know about traveling to Cuba as an American citizen? Anything crazy happen to you? Like abducted by Aliens? Anal probing? Or anything that would make this interview much more interesting?

Besides almost running out of money, and seriously contemplating asking complete stranger tourists to loan me some with the promise I would "mail them the money once I returned to the States," I did have one issue with customs in Havana when arriving. For some reason, I, and the gal I had met from Oakland, had been singled out for interrogation, or questioning, however you want to look at it. I was not given an explanation, but kept for about an hour. My indignation seemed to only make matters worse. It's a really scary feeling to realize that you have no rights. I then began to realize all the things they tell you about a communist country and how I would probably not be granted any sort of trial or court hearing if I got thrown in jail. In the U.S., you can throw a temper tantrum if they undercook your French Fries - here, the interrogator let it be known, just by the way he looked at me that he held all the cards. I have never felt so powerless, as every answer to his questions did not seem to satisfy him. His look was pure animosity and was one you'd give a convicted criminal, and that's how he made me feel.  Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he let me go through, where I met up with the other girl who was also questioned. She had heard that it's a random process, because other Americans without licenses - like her friend - did not get stopped. So, I may never know why I was targeted, but it was the only bad experience of my trip. 

Okay, well, I'd say thanks, but I don't feel thankful for having sat through that interview. I really want my time back. Anyhow, I'm going to go up to the hotel room and get the mini-vodkas ready.


I had really high expectations of Cuba. I wanted it to be such a throwback, where the people hadn't been tainted by American tourism and the hustle that goes along with it. Unfortunately that's not the case. Walking around, you can tell that tourism is a significant part of the country's revenue - even minus Americans. Several people would come up to me and ask if I needed a taxi, or wanted to buy some cigars, or find a girl. It got tiring. Even people I thought were just friendly locals I was having a drink with, would eventually try to siphon me off towards someone's living room to buy some cigars or trinkets. It makes sense. Varying stories will tell you that people make anywhere from $20 to $30 a month. I spent three times that every single day. I don't really understand the intricacies of a socialistic communist society, but while they may get some money from the Government, they are also making money in other ways. There were private businesses, and people selling things on the street, the casa particulares, and restaurants amongst other things. It was odd though not to see an extreme amount of capitalism. You don't see billboards for Coca-Cola. You don't see any McDonald's or Starbucks. We live in such a society that advertisements are commonplace no matter where you look or listen, so it was actually kind of refreshing.

There are an estimated 60,000 vintage American cars in Cuba from the 50s and prior, which is just about one of the coolest things to take in as you walk around the streets. All of the buildings also have a very retro look, because, as far as I can tell, nothing has really been built since the 50s. Those buildings are all in a state of extreme disrepair and it's a tragedy. By opening up capitalism, I'm sure we'd see a lot of the buildings repaired, but we'd also see modernization, which would ruin much of the uniqueness. In 2011, the Castro administration made it so that people were finally allowed to buy and trade cars, so you'll see some newer models out on the road. The biggest loss from tourism being opened up to Americans is the money that people would have to buy new cars, rather than repair their old ones.

As it is now, the Cuban people seem to have what they need. When you live in an egregiously consuming society, like ours, you always want more. You want what those advertisements tell you you don't have. I don't want to see that kind of lust happen to pure people. When I would have a drink (common theme for me) with the people I was staying with, we would sit around in rocking chairs just talking and laughing. When they did watch TV, it was on 25 inch TVs from the 90s, and not on ultra-high-def smart panels. They didn't seem one bit concerned. I often saw kids playing baseball or futbol in the streets, as opposed to the States, where most kids are sheltered by their parents (with good reason), bundled up with their latest XBOX games or tablet apps.

While drinks were cheap at the nightclubs - about $3 - many of the girls I met were prostitutes, or possibly "became one" knowing that I had money. I knew it as soon as I'd post up at the bar and would be surrounded by a gaggle of hot women. I tried to give myself the benefit of the doubt, but then when their hands began to run amok on my body, I knew I was not THAT sexy. The woman showing me the most attention was one of the hottest girls I've ever seen. She would not leave me alone or stop eyeing me from afar. Unfortunately, I've never paid for a prostitute and didn't plan on doing it then either. I even told her this, to which she gave me a sound alibi, which is that we would hang out, dance, and have fun that night (she wasn't drinking, so it would've been cheap), then go home together, and if, in the morning, I wanted to "give" her money, I could. After much internal deliberation and personal anguish, I meekly said that I couldn't. Even for a man of such ill repute, I still have some morals.

I spent four nights in Havana, one in Trinidad, and a day trip to Varadero. Sometimes I'm amazed at how ignorant I am. Just like with Puerto Rico, I didn't know there was more than one city to explore. I guess I just assumed there was only Havana. But also, just like with San Juan, Puerto Rico (I visited Vieques and Culebra), I'm extremely glad I went outside of the main city. Four nights is perfect for Havana, one full-day is perfect for Trinidad, and I wish I could've stayed a night or two in Varadero, a touristy beach resort area, but I was running out of money.

Overall, I enjoyed my stay, but don't know how eager I would be to go back. I guess I assumed everyone would be out on the streets dancing Salsa, and the nightlife would be raw and sexy. I feel let down. There were still pockets of Salsa-infused culture, but not close to anything like Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights! My favorite moments were when I was past the "point-of-sale" with people, sitting in the casa particulares with my hosts, getting them drunk, and sharing a laugh in a language I can barely speak, or taking a spur-of-the-moment trip across the country and not being sure whether I would have enough money to make it back. Cuba should be visited. Soon. There's plenty of countries you can visit where you feel transported hundreds of years, just by the architecture and buildings, but there are very few that you can visit where you feel like you're stuck in the 1950s.

It won't always stay that way.

In Superman II, the Christopher Reeve versions, I was always confused as to why Gene Hackman asked for Cuba as a thanks for his services. I get it now. And I hope you all explore it "illegally" for as long as it stays that way.

Sincerely,
KL

What Do Girls Look Like Around the World? The Birth of Girls On A Map

After spending more than three years engaging in all of my whims and desires - something that is typically only relegated to five year-olds - I find myself to be more selfish than ever. It's a helluva thing to follow ALL of your dreams - as opposed to only on nights and weekends. Prone to rash decisions and temper-tantrums, I often eat before women and children, cut off pedestrians at crosswalks (rather than wait an extra five seconds), short change everyone on a group bill, post flattering pictures of myself where others have their eyes closed, and hang up on people after I've said everything I needed to, amongst other things.

After writing some screenplays, a book, and traveling to exotic locations - all for personal fulfillment with little thought towards monetary gain - I've now gone ahead and launched a website that has been thrown around in my mind for almost five years. This site will one day be the reason why I can afford expensive meals at the local Sizzler. GirlsOnAMap.com is the first of several websites my co-founder and I will be launching, all geared towards helping travelers engage with the world based off of niche interests. The niche in this site, if you couldn't tell, is girls - specifically, what they look like around the world, what they're like, and the best places to meet them.

After writing a post about "Iceland women" a few years back, I now "own" that term on Google searches. The post gets thousands of hits a month.The comment board has become littered with people engaging in the debate of how "hot" Icelandic women are, how well they age, how "easy" they are, and other personal stories of life and travels in Iceland. This got me thinking, there is no repository of this wealth of information about girls around the world found on one site.

That's what GirlsOnAMap.com is here to do.

Another problem I had, was that when searching what girls look like around the world, or engaging in a debate with friends about what countries have the hottest women, you could never find REAL pictures of girls. Only pictures of models, movie stars, or porn stars. I became particularly fascinated with the subject when I went to the World Expo in Shanghai in 2010 that had representatives from over 200 countries that would staff each country's pavilions with their citizens. I ended up partying a couple of nights with the contingent from Kazakhstan. The country, if you remember, was so under-the-radar, that Sacha Baron Cohen was famously able to use it as the character, Borat's, home country. What you probably still don't know is that Kazakh girls are exotic-looking and beautiful. I ended up partying with them a couple of nights in a row, needless to say. Located at the borders of Russia and China, next to Mongolia, the people looked half-white, half-Asian - which, if you ever been around one, you'll know it's a great combination. This got me curious as to what girls looked like in other border countries around the world.

That's what GirlsOnAMap.com is here to do.

Kazakh Girl

Sure, I'll be the first to admit that this sounds a little sexist, especially when it comes to being able to "rate" girls around the world based off of appearance. This is done for a few reasons. First of all, there has never been any real quantitative data in debates that have gone on - in almost all bachelor lives - about "where in the world are the hottest girls?" I hope to give a little enlightenment to this playful debate and to help people find out their own preferences on which girls and countries they "rate" the highest, so they can plan their next travel destination accordingly. As for "rating" a girl on a scale of 1 to 10, this has been done for years, ever since Bo Derek made the term "a 10" part of the national lexicon. If you've ever asked a friend - or been asked by a friend - about a girl or guy they met and what they would rate them "on a scale of 1 to 10", you've rated people yourself. Don't be a hypocrite.

If it makes any of you rabble-rousers feel better, Guys On A Map will be launching in the future - where I will equally "exploit" and commoditize guys, all in the name of selfish monetary gain. Anyhow, there are many new features we will be adding to Girls On A Map, so like us on Facebook here to get all of the updates. What you see now is really only a small portion of what the end product will be. Eventually, the site will be a place where you come to whenever you're curious about what people look like in a particular city and country. A place where you do research for the best information and travel tips based off of the "niche interest" of girls and the pursuit of them. A place that will guide you in the right direction, then help you book the best hotels, hostels, bars, and nightclubs for your style of singles. It's a community of like-minded individuals who can offer their own advice in countries they live in and/or have traveled to extensively.

I'm very proud of this launch and the team that I've put together that has helped make this happen. When it comes down to it, I may be selfish when not flushing the toilet behind me at a friend's house, but I can't be trifled with such trivial matters as I live my life with the intention of having no regrets. Every day for the last three years I've been passionate about everything I do and you can't put a price on that. Girls On A Map is a labor of my longest love. Which in no way sounds creepy or sexual. I'm proud to present it to you.

Welcome. To the World.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Guest Post: The Joys and Perils of Picking Up Girls When Sober

SVB Foreword:

I have to commend my friend, Dave, for quitting alcohol. It's a bold move and I'm happy for him. I once tried to see how long I could go without alcohol - it lasted 7 days. I wrote about it here. When I found out Dave quit alcohol, and subsequently lost 20 lbs, my first reaction was, "how does that affect picking up on girls?!?! Where else can you possibly meet a quality girl without going to a bar!??!" The thought of NOT meeting a girl at a bar seems absolutely ridiculous. So, I asked Dave to write me a guest post, and since he no longer is sh*t-faced wasted all the time, he wrote it and sent it the next day! That is the quickest turnaround I've ever had for a guest writer. You are the best, Dave! Here is his life without alcohol. It's truly fascinating.

Recently I made some drastic changes to my life. Call it growing up, call it getting old, call it what you will.. But either way my lifestyle has done a 180 in terms of alcohol consumption, health, and outlook. I’ll leave out the part that when I drink I blackout and do some extremely moronic things and just focus on the good reasons of why I quit drinking.

So that leads us to the obvious question, of how in the world do you not drink and have any chance of a normal dating life? Believe me that is an excellent question and being that I have been single for a couple years, and hooking up at bars was sort of my thing, it was a scary thing to figure out. But now being sober for a while and looking back I realize that being sober has a good amount of Pros and Cons and it’s my intention to point them out as they may either inspire some to try this sober lifestyle or reaffirm that they will never want to try the sober lifestyle. Either way I hope you enjoy the perspective and understand it's being written by someone that has experienced more drunken party nights than anyone should in their lifetime and is recently sober. So, as unbiased as I hope to be, I am certain it will come across like I’m some reborn sober panty-dropping miracle worker but if it didn’t it wouldn’t be as entertaining to read.. or write.. for.. well, me.

So since most people are pessimistic by nature and are most likely already making a mental list of the cons to sober dating, I will begin there, with the cons.

1). Hot 21yr olds want nothing to do with you – It’s true! Let’s face it we all know that the hot 21 yr old piece of ass that you want to land - just to be able to torture your friends with every explicit detail of her amazing flawless body the next day - is only after two things.. the appearance of a guy with a ton of money, and that guy to buy her and her friends shot after shot all night. So, although any guy can look like he has money while racking up a tab on his credit card all night only to report that card stolen the next morning, that type of reckless behavior sounds a lot less tempting when sober. And let’s face it, there’s no way to not look creepy buying rounds and rounds of shots to a bunch of young girls while you sit there sipping water. I don’t think it takes much explaining why that looks creepy but let’s be honest, if it worked I’d do it, but it doesn’t.

2). You’re way more picky – Every guy reading this is already thinking about the 200lb girl he gladly went home with when intoxicated and when reamed by his friends the next morning, pretended he was in anguish about the situation, secretly loving the fact that he banged a heifer. Let’s face it, it’s kind of an unspoken game with guys that when you’re really faded to a point of hooking up with a fatty you almost certainly will. The sad part is that guys secretly love this game and as a sober person you are left standing on the sidelines as Mr. happy down there isn’t going to stand at attention without some sort of alcoholic encouragement. So hang up your bull riding saddle cause you’re only going after hotties when you’re stoned sober.

3). Less likely to wait around for closing time – I can’t tell you how many times since I’ve been sober that I’ve had intentions of staying out all night like the days of when I’d drink till dawn, but your attention span or just energy level in general is not the same without all the alcohol coursing through your veins. So you tend to be much more judgmental of your surroundings, whereas when drunk hanging with 3 mediocre girls and 5 of your buddies - all trying to win their affection - is tolerable, it's just not the same when sober. So this leads to many nights conceding to your completely inebriated friends, allowing them to scrape the bottom of the barrel in your place and wait it out till last call to take home one of the girls that would’ve surely been yours. So point in case, the equation here is Quantity of Alcohol x Hotness of Girl = How much time you will put in to close the deal. So when Alcohol is gone from the equation, Hotness is the only factor in how much time you’re willing to stand around and listen to her talk about her cat named Princess.

4). You don’t mind saying some of the things that will get you in trouble – Let’s face it, women love assholes. No one really understands why women like a guy who will tell them they are unattractive or will turn a cold shoulder to their likely advances but it plain and simply works. Or at least works on the type of girl that will go home with you the same night you meet at a bar. So when you’re sober you're much less likely to say mean things or even think those things let alone have the courage to say something like “I like those pants on you but we should work out together cause I could get you in amazing shape”. Subtle, but mean as hell. Girls don’t realize that most guys age 25 and older have mastered this game and use it to their advantage to score when intoxicated.

So I know there’s many more cons to not drinking and could probably go on and on but I think most guys would agree the above four mentioned are the most important. I have to admit that when I first decided to go sober I couldn’t even remember the last time I had hooked up with a girl for the first time without being intoxicated. The thought of it was somewhat nerve racking and until you try it, it’s somewhat scary. It’s amazing how when you’ve had a couple drinks it’s so easy to lean in for the kiss and how awkward that same scenario feels when sober. But I have to admit that once I had done it once it got a lot less scary and actually really enjoyable. So that leads us to the Pros of trying to pick up girls when sober.

1). You won’t say some of the things that will get you in trouble – You are less likely to meet a slut that likes to be talked down to because of issues stemming from not receiving enough attention from her Father, or too much attention from her Step-Father. But that is a good thing. I have never been in a successful relationship that stemmed from meeting one of these types of girls and the only reason I bring it up is because, believe me, until you make the mistake of dating one of these girls you can only then truly understand the benefit to not being the asshole and attracting this type at a bar. And I know this post is about picking up girls but let's face it, relationships start from this scenario and everyone is guilty of it. Point in case, if you don’t act like an asshole you don’t end up with the Crazies.

2). You meet women in new places – When you’re not drinking you tend to stay home more and do other things outside of going to bars. For instance you might start banging the chick from your dodge ball team that you joined as an alternative to going to bars on a Tuesday night. Or you might join a gym and meet some hotties there that are on their way to getting even hotter rather than deteriorating over time from the added calories and physical effects of booze. Or you might join E-Harmony or Match.com and meet some girls that are in the same boat as you and don’t want to party their ass off every night of the week on your dime. This leads us to point number 3.

3). You save a ton of money – The amount of money you save from not drinking is incredible and until you do it for an extended amount of time you do not realize how much of your life is spent working to pay for your bar tabs. And girls that don’t drink are usually into healthy FREE activities, like going for a hike or going to the beach. And believe it or not telling girls when you’re at the bar that you don’t drink anymore can sometimes work to your benefit as you start to look much more responsible, stable and attractive to girls who are looking for the long term relationship type guys.

4).You’re game is on point – Now I have definitely saved the best for last with this one. I cannot tell you how many times I have started out talking it up with a girl and having an incredible good time only to take that one last drink or shot that seemed to turn me into a bumbling idiot faster than I could drink the last sip. It’s like game kryptonite when you get to this point. No attempt to cover up your sudden onslaught of slurring can be successful when you can no longer remember the nature of your sentence when you're halfway through it. And nothing is more unattractive to a girl who knows you’re at that point and can no longer participate in her discussion of how her cat looks in its pajamas. So all your effort, time and money spent is shot. When you’re sober this never happens! It’s actually quite the opposite; instead, you start to pick up on the girl’s level of intoxication. You can be cold and calculated and it's very easy to know when they are getting somewhat flighty and have had enough to drink to make poor decisions. This is the time to act! So you say something like, “you’re so gorgeous I just want to take you home and kiss you all over”… And somehow, despite the worst line ever, she agrees. It’s like magic. And I’m telling you once you’ve perfected this technique it works 80% of the time, every time..

So as you can see there are some added benefits about being sober at bars but I admit it does take a special type of person to be able to pull it off. And I can tell you right now, you will get much much more ass if you drink. But it goes back to the question of which one is better… Quantity or Quality? To each their own and I won’t try to convince you of which is better, as it’s definitely a personal choice, but hope you can take something from this to help you decide.

Dave

What a Successful Man Looks For in a Woman

Anyone who is an avid reader of Silicon Valley Bachelor knows that the underlying theme of everything I write is to help people. Since, I, myself, am beyond help, I figure I can teach others the errors of my ways, so that you can grow up to be productive members of society... and not a "loser" like my Mom says that I am. I like to think of myself as a modern-day Robin Hood of words... or a modern-day Nic Cage from Leaving Las Vegas.

Below is an email from a reader that makes all the time I spend writing worthwhile.

Silicon Valley Bachelor, 

Hello My name is *****. I just read your internet article on "How to score the Silicon Valley Man of your Dreams". I wanted to send you this email to thank you very much for your words. I live on the east coast, originally from Northern VA/DC area. I recently relocated to Virginia Beach, VA. I am a driven, motivated, and extremely ambitious women of 28-years-old. 

I recently got out of a 3 and half year relationship with a man that I really loved. At the end of this road, I realized something....he was holding me back from being the successful individual I know I was born to be. We had our ups and downs, and like your words stated, he himself did not have his life put together and he could not handle a woman such as myself. This morning I was surfing the internet and came across your article. I read it in its entirety and there, It hit me. You were right. Something I knew all along, but just needed to hear it from someone else. I need a man that is going to match me. Someone who is strong, intelligent, driven, motivated, and ambitious such as myself !!!!  

I wanted to take this brief time out to email you. Thank you so much for your words. They really helped me with my situation. I wish you the best in your future endeavors! Thanks again.

This email means just as much to me as my words meant to you. Thank you. To all the under-appreciated women out there in difficult relationships - stand strong, stand proud, and know that there's nothing wrong with standing alone. Here's a link to the article this note refers to: How to Score the Silicon Valley Man of Your Dreams.

I really appreciate all the kind emails, as opposed to the emails that graphically describe how you plan to urinate and defecate on my dead, lifeless body, and then dismember me and feed me to a pack of wild boars.

This is a nice change of pace.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The SVB

How to Do the Right Thing When Breaking Up

In the 98 Degrees song, "The Hardest Thing" - arguably one of the deepest, most conflicted boy-band songs ever (which is probably not that difficult), next to Usher's "You Make Me Wanna" - the band sings:

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do,

To turn around and walk away,

Pretending I don't love you.

I know that we'll meet again,

Fate has a place and time,

So you can get on with your life,

I've got to be cruel to be kind. 

I have a friend going through an emotional breakup. It's been a long, difficult trip to recovery, exacerbated by the fact that the girl keeps calling and texting him, even though she doesn't want to be exclusive. While trying to talk my friend through it all, I can't help but become angrier and angrier at this girl who won't respect his wish for her to leave him alone so that he can recover. 

This is not strictly a female trait. Many men do this to women all the time, making a drunken, late-night booty call after a break-up, even though this will set back that ex's recovery. It's my belief, that if you truly loved someone, you wouldn't let your own selfish desires trump the emotional well-being of someone you care deeply about. And it's not just about love. It's about respect. 

Let's think about this. Why would a person keep someone on the line if they have repeatedly expressed - verbally and through their actions - that they don't want that person as an exclusive significant other? It's the definition of a complete dickhead, bitch, asshole, or however you want to define it. It's 100% selfish. Them continuing to reach out to you when it's convenient for them, shows a complete disregard for you as a person. 

The worst part is, you can never really tell someone on the receiving end to stop answering the texts, the calls, the emails, because they are only holding onto the hope. The hope that this call is what brings them back together, even though history has shown otherwise. The hope of those highs they felt in that relationship can be replicated. They'll make excuses for them. "You don't know what we shared." "I can't explain our connection." "He/She's really a good person." "He/She didn't mean it." 

This is exactly what people say when they go back to someone in an abusive relationship. 

I don't really blame my friend. He's a victim. I blame the person who does the breaking-up, who doesn't leave that person alone, who doesn't let that person recover. 

As hard as it is, the best thing you could ever do is be cruel to be kind.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor