The SVB Does Puerto Rico

Before I embark on my flight to Puerto Rico with no firm set date to return, I'd like to give a little shout-out to my Puerto Rican sponsors. While Nike, Coca-Cola, and McDonald's balked at the opportunity to tattoo me with their logos in exchange for a pair of shoes, one 12 pack, and a happy meal, The La Concha Renaissance and Mr. Joaquin Cruz were very generous in their offer to sponsor part of my trip.

In doing research for this blog (and more for my liver), I wanted to find a hotel that was on the beach. Not across from the beach. Not two blocks from the beach. But right on the beach. One of my favorite hotels and best experiences on a hotel beach (by my definition) was at the El Direa in Tamarindo, Costa Rica. I wanted that same experience of being able to stumble back into my hotel room with a red sun-burnt strip on my back without a worry or need to pack up any of my belongings. I also was looking for a vibrant, non-family focused hotel, where the decor was hip, and the morals of women were low. While that last part has yet to be determined, check out the pictures below of the hotel and you will see that it's simply the best hotel I found for all of my requirements.





I don't know about you, but I'm quite certain those ladies at the bar are the norm for that hotel. They wouldn't lie to me, would they? Anyhow, check out their website for better pictures. I couldn't find any better ones to steal off the internet and their site is in flash!

Anyhow, I'm off to test my body's limits. If you feel the need, call up the hotel and buy me a few drinks. I'm sure the bartenders by the pool will know my name within a few hours of my projectile vomiting.

I'll let you know how the hotel and Puerto Rico compare to my list of Top Single's Beaches in the world.

Sincerely,
Kevin
The SVB

How To Score With Women - The Enrique Way

There are few things that a common, average-looking man can do to woo a woman if you don’t have loads of cash to hire them to perform in your next music video. If that is your case, and your name is not Enrique Iglesias – listen up. Your life is about to change.

Enrique Iglesias, son of legendary ‘man-who-brought-latin-sexyback-to-the-states,’ Julio Iglesias, is the king. Filipino and Mexican, Enrique has mastered the art of the male seductive look. Sure, he hired Jennifer Love Hewitt and Anna Kournikova to star in his music videos – both of whom he promptly “dated” - but if it wasn’t for the ‘Enrique’ move, he would be just another hustler.

My friend, Chris, and I perfected the ‘Enrique’ starting in college while we were mere students of the art of seduction. While taking a latin ballroom dance class, (I know what you’re thinking, but just know that the ratio was 3 to 1, female to male, and that it has provided a lifetime of ‘artistic’ creativity), Chris and I would go on to master the moves of seduction – well, Chris somewhat comically. If you have ever watched an Enrique Iglesias video you will notice a move that he employs almost EVERY TIME. I’m not hating - it’s good. D*mn good!

Take notice of the screenshots below of various music videos.

Escape:



Bailamos:


Ring My Bells:



Rhythm Divine:


Hero:


Could I Have This Kiss Forever:



Be With You:



It’s the Enrique hand gesture. Allow me to explain. You use your index and pinky finger to point at the woman of you dreams (each night) on the dance floor and you motion her over into your tractor beam that we like to call the ‘Enrique’. Once she, inevitably, comes over – you look away, somewhat embarrassed, but rather it’s a look of deep, complicated masculinity with a touch of erotic passion, and then you look back at her and use the ‘Enrique’ to lightly grace her face. This is when she melts into the gaze of your mysterious eyes. (Or in my case, the drunken, blacked-out, glossed over eyes.)

Below is a step-by-step guide.

Step 1 - You start with the non-chalant look-away:


Step 2 - Then you follow that up with a dramatic, somewhat pained 'Enrique' towards the woman you yearn for.


Step 3 - These pictures are x-rated and aren't suitable to print. Let's just say there would be a pile of clothes leading to the bed. (And in my case, a look of bewildered disappointment from the targeted female.)

Well, now that I have shared with you the secrets of courtship, go out and try the move for yourself. You'll see. No words are ever necessary when employing this move. It goes from 'move' to bedroom. 60% of the time, it works every time.

Sincerely,
Kevin
The SVB

How To Tell When You're Cock-Blocking

Please accept my apologies for the crude language. I prefer using the word "penis" as to "cock", but when something is commonly and universally known under that moniker, the SVB must conform - at least on this one. Well, now that I've managed to stay classy and have safe-guarded myself from judgement - cock blockers commonly come in the form of large and/or unnattractive women and idiotic and/or unnattractive male friends.

Let's start with female cock-blockers. These women typically are not getting any play, thus they don't want anyone else to have any fun. They will make their presence known by crossing their arms and giving unfiltered scornful looks at said friend who is trying to meet new people. Male, (me), will try and win over large friend with offers of late night Jack in the Box and warm smiles that say, "I have taken part in Big Brothers/Big Sisters and have donated to relief efforts across the globe and I will totally still respect your friend in the morning." Sadly, these cock-blockers are probably right in not allowing their friends to go home with an Ed Hardy-wearing douchebag (not me).

Now let's move onto male cock-blockers. I despise the guys who don't know you and do this on purpose, but some guys just don't have any game. I will tell you one of the biggest cock-blocking moments of my life later in this post, thus forcing you to read on, but also so I can identify male cock-blockers for you first. Male cock-blockers try to eliminate you from the mix so that they can move in on said woman. Male cock-blockers can sometimes also just be naive. They linger too long when it's obvious the ratio has suddenly turned to 2 guys/1 girl, or they say something that will totally ruin your game. I once had a coworker who said to a girl I was talking to, "hey, did you tell her you live with your Mom yet?" Granted, he did this on purpose and it was funny, and I had in fact been living back at home for a short time, but you get the point.

So here are some tips on avoiding being that cock-blocker:

1. GET A LIFE!

2. Don't hate the guy - hate your lack of game.

3. If for some reason a girl goes home with your buddy and you are crashing at your buddy's house or in the same hotel room, at some point, leave the room! Say something like: "I gotta take this call. I'll be back in 2 hours." Or, "I gotta go work on my doctoral thesis, and I do this best, drunk and at 3am. I shall now retire to my room for the night and put in my ear plugs. Feel free to talk 'loudly'."

4. If you know you're not going to get any and a buddy has a very good shot - say things that will help him out. "My friend would never tell you this, but he cried during The Notebook." (Actually, that may or may not help.) Or, "My friend is humble, but you should know that he has many leather-bound books, and his place smells of rich mahogany."

5. If someone has trumped you, who cares? Respect the game. There are plenty of women in the sea! Well, not in Man Jose, but that is another story that my psychiatrist hears often.

On that last point, I will now tell you my top cock-blocking story ever. This happened one New Year's Eve and nearly ruined my night. I had met these 3 beautiful gals, who one of them was most definitely going to start a beautiful relationship with me. We met this other couple and the couple had an Australian guy with them who could not compare to my powerful physique and striking features. The guy is interested in the gal I had just met. I am not the least bit threatened. We all party it up and then decide to hop to another bar nearby. I question whether we can get in considering it's 11:15pm and the line is alway ridiculously long there. The women give me this look of, "have you seen the way we look?" And I quickly shut up. As we get to the bar, the line is ridiculous and sure enough, the women do their talking to the bouncer and gets our group in. Like any gentleman, I always let everyone go before me and everyone begins to file inside one at a time. The Australian is the next to last guy to go in and the bouncer asks him: "where does this group end?"

Australian: "It ends with me."

Me: "No, I'm with this group."

Australian: "No he's not."

And then he walks into the club. The bouncer re-locks the velvet rope. I am completely shell-shocked and then immediately furious. The bouncer tells me I have to get in the line that stretches around the block. I begin to try and think out of my fury, and decide to offer the bouncer $40 so that I can go in and sock this Australian in his face. The bouncer does not accept my bribe. I consider upping the offer to $60, but I think how silly that is to pay, just to immediately get dragged back out by the bouncers - on New Year's Eve, nonetheless. Finally, I decide not to let the biggest cock-blocker I have ever met ruin my night. I go to another bar and end up kissing an ugly gal on New Year's. This story still bothers me. I hope to one day see this guy on the streets.

Anyhow, don't cock-block, live your life, be happy drunks, and you'll live a lot longer! Well... at least until you're 31.

Sincerely,
Kevin
The SVB

The SVB is Back and Better Than Ever!

After a short time away from my blog, a few psychiatric counseling sessions, and lots of alcoholic blackouts, I'd like to announce my official return as a full-time blogger and philanderer. As many of you may or may not know, I have been heavily weighed down for quite some time. But. now. I'm. BACK! This last weekend I noticed things I hadn't for quite some time. Like birds chirping, pedestrians walking on the streets, traffic signals, parts of the female anatomy - like eyes (who knew they had them!), and personal hygiene. I am truly at peace and thankful for all the wonderful friends and family I have in my life. Thank you for being there, particularly when finding me in a voluminous mass of my own vomit.

As you get back to fervently reading my blog and constantly salivating for the next post, I will do my best to disappoint you at every turn. You will shake your head and possibly throw up in your mouth a little bit at the regression of an adult male who has neither matured or gained any knowledge from his irresponsible life experiences.


FYI: I am still seeking counseling, but my psychiatrist is not hot like the lady on The Sopranos. He is old, about 80, and he asks me whether I would like to inflict physical violence on every person that I bring up in my life stories. Apparently, I am still a ways to go before I reach the mental aptitude of a 7 year old. But the good news is I was able to fit the 4 shapes into their right spaces on the block in a tad bit under 3 hours.

Next week I will attempt to color inside the lines.

Thank you,
Kevin

Jeremy Lin, Palo Alto High, Harvard, NBA? Fan Club

Every once in a lifetime, a God-sent savior comes along that trancends societal norms and limitations. African-Americans had Frederick Douglass, Latinos had Cheech and Chong, and now Asian-Americans have Jeremy Lin. Lin, if you have no idea, is a D-1 star point guard for Harvard University who has his team on track for their first NCAA tournament berth. Lin, at 6'3, has a full two inches on me, giving him a slight advantage if we were ever to play one-on-one. Lin and I had similar high school stats - I averaged 0.6 points a game my senior year at Cupertino, and Lin led Palo Alto High to a state championship - so I think it would be a good game.


While there are the Yao Ming's, Yi Jianlin's, Sun Yue's, Wang Zhizhi's, Mengke Bateer's, and Wat Misaka's that have at one time or another graced the floors of the National Basketball Association, there has never been a full modern-day Asian-American that has played in the NBA. (Rex Walters was half Japanese.) Lin has a good chance. Against some of Harvard's best competition, he put up 30 points (including two dunks) on UConn, and 25 in a win against Boston College.


Here's a video below of essentially every single highlight Lin had against UConn and some good commentary about what Lin has faced as an Asian-American in the sport of basketball. If the 10 minute video is too long, below are some short clips of his highlights at Harvard, Palo Alto, and even some pick-up games.



UConn dunk:


Top 10 SportsCenter buzzer beating 3 (play #6):


Pick-up game dunk:


Palo Alto High crossover:


Lin's story has been picked up by Time magazine in a feature story titled: "Harvard's Hoop Star Is Asian. Why's That a Problem?" You can read the story here. ESPN also did a feature story here, titled: "Immigrant dream plays out through son". Both articles chronicle the racial taunts he faces from opposing team's fans - shameful, to say the least. I mean, haven't we learned anything from all those Disney sports movies, like Remember the Titans, Glory Road, and even Bring It On? Can't we all just get along?!?!

Lin is a better man than I am. I grew up in a small town in Texas where I got made fun of all the time growing up. I also fought a lot, so it says a lot about Lin's character to stay so calm amidst the B.S. that ignorant people can say. Lin has said he just wants to be seen as a ballplayer, rather than an "Asian-American basketball player." I'm sure he didn't sign up to be the torch-bearer for Asian-American ballplayers everywhere. It's kind of like me and women - I can't begin to tell you how many women I've dated who used to tell me that I was the first Asian guy they had ever dated. I didn't sign up for that. I just wanted to be seen as a bachelor. Not an "Asian bachelor", but a plain, devastatingly good-looking bachelor with incredible cheek bones and a voice as smooth as molasses. Inevitably, I felt that I now had to at least call them the next day, lest they spread rumors everywhere about how Asian men are such a-holes.

Anyhow, I digress. Whereas I left women disenchanted and disappointed, Lin has thus far left fans begging for more. His homecoming against Santa Clara University was a sellout. You can read that article here. Here are his career stats and one draft ranking. Here's another from DraftExpress that assesses Lin still has a way to go to become an NBA player, but an attainable one. For bringing the rain, Jeremy Lin, I support you as not an Asian basketball player, but just a d*mn good baller. I will follow your career with great interest and fanfare (this kind of sounds like a marriage vow)... til death do us part. If things weren't creepy enough, I'd like to end by quoting the great Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers: "Don't ever leave me... cause I'd find you."

Sincerely,
Kevin
The SVB

The iPhone App from Hell

After much clamoring and unprecedented demand, I’m pleased to announce the release of the Silicon Valley Bachelor iPhone App. This app will allow you to keep track of my blog and all my latest Twitter posts – that way, no matter what’s going on in your life – from unemployment, spousal abuse, famine – you’ll always be able to see what’s going on with me. Like if I’m going #2, you’re going to want to know that, because I’ll Tweet every detail.

Examples:

- Going potty. This feels good. (2:12pm)

- This started off awesome, but now I wish it would end. (2:37pm)

- I was hoping for a clean cut-off, but doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. Where are the wet naps in this mofo!?! (2:54pm)

See how exhilarating my Tweets are? Who doesn’t want to follow my every move?!?!


The app was created by these ex-Google folks, who now run a company called MotherApp. It seems most of them were with Google in 2000, so you know they’re filthy rich. This means that this new company is either really good because these guys are so smart and have no need for money, or they’re just really bored. Anyhow, they reached out to me to create this app for my blog and here I am promoting it. Genius! My 7 readers will be thrilled! They told me they were going to name it, "The Alan Parsons Project".


Right now it’s just for iPhone, but it would’ve been nice to have it for non-iPhones last week while I was in Vegas, that way I could’ve tracked my own whereabouts from 11pm to 2am. There has to be an alibi out there somewhere... Let me know how the app works, because iPhone is for losers. Nokia 5190 for life!

Sincerely,
The SVB

P.S. The App is free, why not give it a whirl? At least leave an awesome review on the iTunes store about how you can't live without the SVB - download it here.

7 Things a Bachelor Can Learn from Twilight: New Moon

Yeah I went and watched Twilight: New Moon, so what? Not for the lady meeting prospects, heck, not everything revolves around meeting women - this experience was more about learning about how to get in their pants. So with good intentions, I eagerly set to work on taking notes during seven straight previews of upcoming romantic movies, all of which had to do with a complex guy, who would break down from his tough exterior at some point and then there would be a kissing scene somewhere on the beach in the rain. What I got from this was that I should make sure to take a woman to the beach when it's raining.

As the movie got started, I settled down for the long haul and unbuttoned my pants. What?!?! I just ate. Here are the tips for you to score a woman - the Twilight way!

Tip #1 - You should start doing lots of pushups now, because when your reckless love interest splits her head open because she prefers to go from boring to death in .5 seconds, you'll need to casually take off your only shirt and give it to her to wipe her blood. In everyday situations, just wait for her to get teary-eyed or a runny nose and no matter the environment, pull off your shirt to reveal your buff chest and you'll show you're chivalrous at the same time.

Tip #2 - Read Romeo and Juliet and memorize just one passage of it. When bringing a girl over, pop the movie in (preferably the Leo DiCaprio version) and pause it right before the passage. Say you have to go to the bathroom and when you come back, she'll be like: "oh, you paused it at the best part." That's when you look at the paused scene, (as if you didn't remember it), look away and recite the coming verse in a perfect monotone. Then stoically hide anguish behind your pale skin and mysterious eyes.

Tip #3 - Always threaten your love interest with the possibility of death, because the intrigue of not knowing when it might happen is exhilarating for her. If she doesn't fear you, you're doing something wrong.

Tip #4 - Run and walk in slow motion if at all possible. That way when she sees you for the first time, she has plenty of time to check you out.

Tip #5 - When a girl thinks about future possibilities with you, she thinks about you and her running through the forest together and lying in a bed of flowers. Take several pictures of yourself laying in a bed of flowers and looking at the sky - thinking. Make sure it's a wide-angle lense so that she can see the empty spot next to you. Leave this picture around your house so she can find it.

Tip #6 - Tell her you'd never let her down. Then let her down almost immediately.

Tip #7 - Be willing to give your life for that loved one and actually come close to doing it. At that last moment as you're walking to the cliff, walk extra, EXTRA slow, because let's face it, you don't really want to die. If your toes are over the ledge and she still hasn't arrived to save you, just stop. Keep finding other ways to die slowly until she comes. Leave notes as to your whereabouts.

When she says it was always you, it's time to exhale. Well, I'm off to try my hand at love - the Twilight way - I recommend you do the same. I mean, the 3rd biggest box office opening in history can't be wrong. And neither can me.

Sincerely,
Kevin
The Silicon Valley Bachelor